Page 41 of Mud

“Does it matter?” he said, taking a step back.

“It matters to me!”

But, of course, he didn’t care.

My mind was working, even if I wished it didn’t right now. I was trying to think ofwhowould do this, and unfortunately for me, I only had one guess: Taland Tivoux. He’d escaped from prison and he’d somehow gotten to Michael. He’d gotten to my team leader to get his revenge on me. It was easy to see.

Had he paid him or threatened him—or both?

Regardless.He didn’t need to come close to me at all to make sure I got what I deserved.

Tears in my eyes that would have shocked me any other day because I didn’t really cry often, but Michael continued to speak.

“It really doesn’t, Rosabel. I can’t disobey orders, so I’m afraid this is goodbye. It’s for the best that you were wounded. We’ll make it painless, I promise.” And he had the audacity to smile all lovingly at me, before he stepped farther back, and turned to Erid. “Erid, if you will.”

Erid gave a look at Jim and Jam, who’d stopped speaking now. Had stopped blinking and were so white they resembled the bones rattling against Erid’s chest from where they hung on the leather cord around her neck.

“This is fucked up, Michael,” she said through gritted teeth. “So fucking fucked up.”

“It’s an order,” Michael repeated, eyes never leaving me, even though I kept looking back at the twins, who werenotgoing to even try to intervene anymore. They refused to speak at all. Jam had his hands around his head as he pacedbehind his brother, and Jim had his in his pockets and his eyes to the ground.

Meanwhile Erid had put her guns away and was holding the bones of her necklace in her fists, eyes red with rage as she looked at me—like she was pissedat me.

“I’m sorry, Rora. I’m fucking sorry, okay? I got no choice,” she spit, though her hatred wasn’t directed to me.

And I wanted to tell her,yes, you do. We all have choices.That’s what my dad used to tell me when I was little—or maybe that was just my imagination, too. I didn’t really remember much of my parents, so it was possible I’d made it up.

But maybeherdad taught her differently, so she doesn’t really care?

And what if she’d resent herself even more for this if I spoke now?

In the end, I clamped my mouth shut like I always did. Better to let the silence do the talking because it really wasn’t going to matter, anyway. These people were going tokill meright now, as perfectly absurd as it still seemed to me—and not because of me. Not because I was shocked they didn’t like me or couldn’t stand me—or secretly even hated me—but because of my family. Because of my grandmother. Madeline Rogan, former director of the IDD, the woman who’d captured and imprisoned and drained the most notorious criminals of her time within the first year of taking her position. I was her granddaughter, even if that had been my biggest curse in life.

And to cross her, even though she was no longer in charge, was to cross the IDD itself.

I couldn’t believe Michael was so stupid as to accept payment from Taland—or anyone, for that matter—to get rid of me, when she’d do everything in her power to findhim and make him pay. Not because she loved me, either—my grandmother didn’t know the meaning of the word at all, but because it would be a stain on her name. Because she would feel she had been disrespected, and her ego would never let her live with it.

“It’ll be over quickly,” said Michael, and I felt like smiling because what if this was for the best?

I’d never actually considered dying, to be honest, even with the life I lived. I’d never seriously considered it, but what if it was the blessing I’d prayed for, the blessing I didn’t deserve? What if it could finally, truly be…over?

All of it, everything. The guilt, the shame, the fear, the anxiety. Over.

“For fuck’s sake, can we just get it over with?”

Erid’s voice pulled me out of my head, and the spell of that shield was still right there, waiting for my lips to move. It was a second-degree spell, but it was powerful enough and it wouldn’t drain my energy at all. My magic was ready, too, my instincts fired up even though I was seriously considering just giving up. Just taking it. Justchoosing deathas my response to this situation.

A snap somewhere in the distance, and Michael and Erid and the twins turned in its direction.

If a catfairie was coming right now, I wasn’t sure whether I’d be happy or sad about it. But my eyes closed either way because I’d already begun to chant, and my magic, bright orange Redfire, was already slipping out of my hand.

Because as it turns out, Icouldn’tjust choose to die. I couldn’t sit there and do nothing and wait for them to kill me. Despite the situation, I had totry. My instincts were too strong, my will to live too hard to fight off. So, I caved and whispered my spell, and my magic disappeared as itmelded with the words I was whispering, and the shield rose all around me. A Greenfire spell, one of the first ones they taught us at the IDD Academy, and it always worked, though not for long. And there were four of them and only one of me, but it was okay. I still had my gun in my hand and my magic, and my wound had completely closed. Only old, half-dry blood remained on me, and I didn’t think any of them had noticed.

I’d take them by surprise, wait for them to attack, then move, throw them off, and run. Run the hell away from this forest and find my way into the Back River. Swim anywhere I could to get away from this place, and then I could figure out the rest.

All I had to do was run.

“Focus, Erid,” said Michael, and Erid’s head whipped back to me. I no longer even looked at the twins, even while Jam kept whispering, “Wrong, wrong, this is so wrong…”

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