Page 62 of Mama Si's Paradise

I swallowed hard. “Power.”

“Yes—power. And it’s okay to want it, doll. I’d be concerned if you didn’t.”

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath. “What about you?” I asked. “Haveyouthought about it?”

At that, she turned around and started walking close to the trees again, to the other side of the orchard. “I have,” Mama Si said with a deep nod. “And I’ve decided that you deserve a chance—only because the Burrow already let you in. That means something to me. My land, my people—they are everything to me.” She met my eyes, the colors in them so damn vibrant it felt like I was looking at a whole galaxy. “And I will doeverythingfor them, doll. Anything at all.”

Goose bumps broke on every inch of my skin. My heart tripped all over itself, recognizing how true her words rang. “Thank you,” I forced myself to say, and Mama Si stopped in front of me again.

“Thank the Burrow,” she whispered. “After all, I will forever be at its service.”

I understood that. She was loyal to her land and I admired her for it, but… “I can’t…I just can’t make up my mind about it.” The unknown was too much. Too scary. Too confusing.

“This isn’t about the mind, Fall Doll,” Mama Si said, and she reached for my hand, then pulled me a little to the side, to one of the trees, their trunks so much smaller than the ones in the forest. She pressed my palm against the rich brown bark and kept her hand right over mine—her glove gone. “This is about here.” She brought the other one to her chest. “This is about the heart. This is about the soul, about what you feel, not what you think. So, close your eyes and feel it.”

I didn’t hesitate.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I focused all my being on that tree. My palm was comfortable against it. Almostsmoothon my skin—and I did feel it. I felt the magic almost pulsating against my hand, like the tree had a heart of its own and it vibrated inside me.

“I feel it.” It was as clear as my own heart beating in my chest.

“And, Fall Doll? What does it feel like?” Mama Si whispered.

My eyes opened, stuck on her hand over mine, on the tree trunk, on the leaves over my head, the ocean and the sky. In those seconds, it was perfectly clear to me what I wanted, despite everything I knew and everything I thought I wassupposedto want.

I wanted to start over. I wanted to be different than the rest of the world, no matter how that sounded.

But I didn’t want to cut ties with the Fall I used to be, the Fall that had brought me here, the Fall that shrunk herself to make everyone in her life feel big, who put her needs and wants on the back burner because everyone else came first. No—I wanted to keep those memories forever so that I never went back to that again when I got smarter. When I got wiser. When I became better.

That’s what I wanted—to bebetter, and I couldn’t be anything if I didn’t have freedom. I couldn’t be anything if I didn’t have power.

“It feels like…awakening,” I said.

Mama Si took her hand back and smiled like she’d seen all that she needed to see. “Then you are ready.”

I believed her with all my heart. “I’ll do it,” I said, and it wasn’t hard. It wasn’t confusing. It wasn’t scary at all—it was right. My body was calm, my heartbeat steady. Even my thoughts had finally—finallycome to order after what felt like months of chaos to me.

“I’m glad,” Mama Si said with a deep nod.

“But I need to know how I can pay you first,” I said, so fucking relieved to have made the decision I could hardly believe how heavy my shoulders had been until now. “I can’t just accept this—I need to know what the payment is and this time be sure that I can actually afford it.”

“You will be paying me, Fall Doll. Of course, you will,” Mama Si said.

“How?” Because I had no money, and I was most definitely not going to work for her as a doll, so…

“With power,” she whispered. “You’ll pay me with power. If you get chosen, you will be giving the Burrow a lot of power. You will be givingmea lot of power, too.”

Her wide eyes glistened, and I was almost scared of her sudden smile. I don’t know why that set off all the alarms in my head so suddenly. “And if I don’t?”

The smile vanished from her face and she leaned back. “If you don’t, doll, you’ll still belong to me forever. You’ll do as I say. You’ll work to earn your place here.”

I fisted my hands so tightly my nails sank into my palms, breaking my skin. “You? I’ll still belongto you?”

Mama Si blinked, and her face transformed yet again, into her usual self. “The Burrow, I mean. The Burrow and I are one and the same because I am its ruler.”

Yes, she’d mentioned that before.

“I see.” If I wasn’t chosen, I’d be back here. I’d live in the Paradise, and I’d work for Mama Si. I’d be like Hannah.

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