Page 23 of Mama Si's Paradise

Doubt was bad. A proper killer—it had paralyzed me, had sucked the joy out of everything since I knew to recognize it.

Then a while later yet, uncertainty and guilt had settled in, too, getting comfortable on my shoulders until my body got too heavy to bear. My hair no longer looked as perfect and bouncy andhappy. My makeup no longer made any sense. My eyes looked way too big for my face with the smokey green eyeshadow Adam had put on me—and what was up with that shimmer on my cheeks?!

The dress I wore got too much, too, so I took it off, and again, I left it right there on the floor. But since the only other item of clothing I had was the gorgeous dress Mama Si had brought me, I had no other choice but to wear the fluffy whiterobe from the bathroom. With it, I sat at my spot again in the corner, and I hugged my legs and I closed my eyes and I tried to breathe. Tried to think. Tried to have faith in myself for once.

It was impossible.

When I was little, Brandon’s older sister Barbara had told me something that had stuck with me. I’d been pissed off because Brandon had been my best friend and he’d decided to go play baseball with his guy friends that day, so I’d hung out at the park all by myself. I’d sat there and I’d felt miserable about myself, and I’d cried my little eyes out until she found me and came to sit with me on the bench. She said that it was okay to be pissed off sometimes. That it was okay to be hurt and to feel all kinds of emotions, that all of it ended eventually.

I asked her how long heart pain lasted. She said,I don’t know, but not forever.The trick was, according to her, to separate the feeling from ourselves.

“Imagine the feeling is a little pool you’re swimming in. It’s okay to swim in it for as long as you want,” she told me. “Just don’t let it drown you. Swim until you’ve felt all of the water, but make sure your head is over the surface and you’re not being pulled down.”

Since that day, that was the best way I knew how to process my emotions—except today.

Too much had happened. I was too hurt, too heartbroken, too disappointed, too scared—way, way too angry. But this time even the anger couldn’t pull me out of this pool I was swimming in. I was drowning, I couldn’t keep afloat. I was drowning and nobody was there to pull me out.

A knock on the door.

I raised my head, disoriented, face swollen from keeping it lowered on my lap for so long. The sky was already dark outside, and some light slipped in from the bathroom. I musthave left the door open when I got the robe without realizing it.

Knock, knock, knock,went the door again.

I was no longer swimming in that pool for the moment. Maybe that’s why I stood up and went to see who it was.

Adam’s smiling face filled my vision as soon as I pulled the door open.

My fake smile was automatic. “Hi, Adam.”

“Hello, baby girl. Your face is swollen. Were you sleeping?” He was analyzing my face like that again, like it was a thing of wonder, and I already felt the heat radiating from my cheeks as my blood rushed.

“Just resting,” I said, keeping that smile on still. “What are you doing here?” He left my room a long time ago, and I was sure I wouldn’t see him again until tomorrow.

“Good, good, you need the rest,” he told me. “I was just passing by and thought I’d check to see if you’ve maybe changed your mind about the party tonight and want me to do your hair and makeup.” He blinked his eyes at me innocently.

“I was actually about—”to get in bed,I wanted to lie, but before I could finish speaking, two doors opened in the hallway at the same time, and three women came out running, calling— “Adam! You’re here!”

I was shocked out of words to realize who they were—three of the women who’d been lounging by the heart-shaped pool two days ago, who’d beenglowingas they relaxed and sipped their pretty drinks and talked to one another. They’d been wearing bikinis then, but now they had thin satin robes on that could very well be considered dresses with the gorgeous patterns on them. None of them wore makeup but their skins were shiny and glossy and smooth, and their hair was perfectly done, too. They hardly turned their eyes at me asthey came to kiss Adam’s cheeks and smile up at him like he held the sun in his very hands.

“Hello, dolls,” Adam said, as cheerful as ever. “Eva, you’re flawless, baby girl.” He grabbed the chin of the blonde woman and raised her head. She really was flawless—deep brown eyes that looked almost black, her skin a bit tanned, her hair a blonde almost as light as the highlights Adam had put on my hair.

And Eva giggled, both hands to her chest. “Always!”

“What aboutme?” said the other girl with hair so black it shone violet under the lights, her eyes a gorgeous light blue. She was so striking she could scare you with her unusual beauty, those full lips and the thick eyebrows that suited her hooded eyes perfectly.

“You know what I say to those eyes,” said Adam, tilting her head up next. “Icy, baby.Icy.”

“Aw, you’re so sweet,” the girl said, cheeks flushing a petal pink that suited her so well it wasn’t fair. Like she was suddenly wearing blush.

“As sugar,” Adam said, turning to the third girl, with honey-colored hair and eyes a cornflower blue you couldn’t miss from miles away. “Hannah, let me look at you, sweet-cakes.”

The way he said her name,Hannaaah—it was almost like he was both praising and reproaching her of something at the same time.

Hannah was the only one who didn’t basically melt at Adam’s attention, and when he reached out his hand to touch her chin, she moved away and put her hand on his instead. Adam laughed like he’d expected it.

“Hello, Adam,” she said, and her voice was deep and rich, like a caress against my skin. She looked at Adam from under her lashes while he leaned his head down and planted a kiss on her knuckles.

“Oh, you devilish little thing,” Adam said, and it was obvious that helovedto have this woman’s hand in his. Couldn’t blame him. She was breathtaking, the kind of beauty you couldn’t look away from. The kind of beauty youdidn’t wantto lose from your sight at all.

---