Page 30 of Mistle-Ho

Maybe I can use a pillowcase or something. Possibly an old takeout cont—

I open the door, but instead of the cute little reptile I’ve imagined, I come face to face with a fucking dinosaur. It’s huge.At least five feet long from nose to tail, with lethal looking claws. Spikes run down its spine and it’s missing an eye. Scars mar the muted green skin of its body and a flap of skin hangs from the underside of its powerful looking jaw. The one-eyed glare it shoots my way sends me taking a step back. And thank God I do, because it starts to charge me, nails scratching the floor, maw gaping like it wants to swallow me whole.

I quickly pull the door closed and turn to my neighbor, waiting for her to meet my gaze. “Val.”

She scrunches her face in a way that wrinkles her nose and squints her eyes. “Yes?”

“That’s not a lizard. That’s a fucking monster.” I risk another peek, cracking the door a tiny bit to confirm the thing is as big as I thought it was. “You wanted me to pick that behemoth up?”

“WellI’mnot going to pick it up.” Val sounds shocked I’m not willing to grab the intruder and chuck him off the balcony. “It’s as big as I am.”

I look through the crack, then at my buddy’s wife. She’s actually not far off. Which makes me even less interested in trying to catch it with my bare hands. “Have you tried calling someone to come get it?”

Her lips press into a thin line. “They said it’s an invasive species and that they would kill it.”

I’m not seeing the problem here. “Okay…”

Her light brown eyes widen. “He isn’t hurting anything. I just don’t want him in my house.” Her chin wobbles a little and I know I’m done for. “You can tell he’s already had a hard life and I didn’t want—” Her voice breaks.

“Fucking hell, Val.” I take a deep breath, bracing for what’s to come. “Next time just tell me to shut up and get my ass in there and do what you asked. You don’t have to attack me with emotional warfare.” Whatever’s on the other side of that doorhas become the lesser of two evils, because I’d rather face it than the way she’s looking at me now.

I open the door and duck inside, closing it behind me so the beast won’t get out into the hall where Valerie is. I nearly shit myself when the lizard charges me for a second time. But instead of attacking me like I’m expecting, it stops at my feet, blinking up at me with that one eyeball. I slowly bend at the waist, lowering my hand toward it, ready to yank my fingers back at the first sign of aggression. When I brush them across the top of his head, I’m surprised to see the things sticking up down his back aren’t spikes at all, but some sort of scaly protrusions. As I stroke along its dry skin, the animal’s one eye closes, almost like he’s enjoying the attention.

An awful thought occurs to me. “You were somebody’s pet, weren’t you?”

Thanks to the temperate climate, Florida is the kind of place where all sorts of things can survive. So if an exotic animal outgrows its cage, and their owner throws them outside instead of taking them to a wildlife center, they don’t die. Instead, they stick around and fuck up the ecosystem.

Or break into million-dollar condos.

“What in the hell am I going to do with you?” I carefully hook my hands under its middle and slowly lift the lizard up. Solidifying my suspicions that it was once a pet, the animal doesn’t seem to mind. Actually, it kind of looks like it might be smiling as I carry it to the door.

I’m almost there when it opens and Fynn stares in at me, his wife peeking out from where he has her pinned behind his back. His eyes widen, expression incredulous. “What the bloody hell is that?”

“Do I look like a fucking zoologist?” I adjust my hold on the unexpected visitor. “It’s pretty calm though. Seems used topeople. I bet it was someone’s pet and they set it loose when it got too big.”

“Oh no.” Valerie darts out from behind Fynn. “Poor thing.”

Fynn snags her by the arm, stopping her from reaching my side. “Darling, that could have a disease.”

Val pushes her lower lip out, brows pinched together in concern. “You think it’s sick?”

I look over the animal, who seems perfectly happy being handled. “It doesn’t look sick. Just old.” I notice it appears a little thin in the middle. “Probably hungry.” Continuing out the door, I carry it past Fynn and Val.

My friend sidesteps, getting his body back between the lizard and his pregnant wife. “Are you taking it with you?”

“Unless you want me to put it back where I found it.” I make like I’m going to go back inside his posh home.

“No.” Fynn’s rejection of my bluff is sharp and immediate. “No. I think it’s best if you take it with you.”

“Thank you so much, Gavin.” Val gives me a smile. “You’re a sweetheart.”

“There’s a whole lot of women who would beg to differ.” One in particular. “It’s a good thing I didn’t cross your path first, or you’d be one of them.”

“Bugger off, prick.” Fynn flashes me a smile. “Before you give her ideas.”

I’m still laughing as I let myself into my condo, but as I kick my discarded bag through the open door and look down at the lizard in my arms, my laughter turns to a groan. “What the fuck am I going to do with you now?” I have no clue how to care for this thing. I don’t even know what it eats. Movement catches my attention and I glance up, finding my cat Cilantro meandering our way.

Looking back at the lizard, I tell him, “Hopefully you don’t eat cats, because if you try, she’ll tear you apart.”

---