Page 44 of The Beautiful Mess

Cash chuckled. “What do you think about having events like Darryl described? Live bands and special cuisine to celebrate occasions?”

“I love that idea,” Keegan admitted. “I just don’t know how to implement any of that.” Just thinking about it made his chest tighten.

“You don’t have to,” Cash replied. “I’ll hire architects to design the layout of the spaces in the vineyard. An event planner will organize the celebrations from top to bottom and book the best chefs. You’ll be the charming one who works the front of the house and assures our guests are happy.”

Keegan exhaled. “I really want to make something special of this opportunity.” His heart raced whenever he thought about it. Not as much as when Kerry was near, but fast enough to let Keegan know this was something he wanted. “I just need to work through my insecurities.”

“And I’m here to help you do that,” Cash replied. His cell phone rang, and he checked the caller ID. “It’s about time he called me back.”

Keegan took that as his cue to go.

“Hey, Kee,” Cash said before he reached the door. “Your potential is limitless. You’re intuitive, kind, and smarter than you realize. I’m determined to help you believe these things about yourself someday.”

Keegan was too choked up to speak, so he just nodded before he stepped into the hallway and closed the door behind him. He wanted to have the same faith in his abilities as others did, but he hadn’t achieved that level of confidence yet. Keegan saw glimpses of his promise occasionally but still considered those instances to be flukes. Maybe he would bring it up with Brendan during therapy later.

Someone had placed a stack of mail on his desk while he was in the meeting. He was used to seeing business correspondence, but the top envelope was addressed to Keegan. There was no return address on the plain white paper, but he would’ve recognized Miriam’s loopy handwriting anywhere. He’d expected this day ever since he filmed the web series interviews about the abuse he suffered from his mother and the monsters at Salvation Anew. Keegan wasn’t sure how long it would take for word about the interview to cycle to her. Miriam had fled with the other rats when the ship started to sink. He had no idea where she’d landed, but he would’ve bet money that some of the most fanatical ex-members would’ve formed a secret faction to keep the movement alive.

No one was more zealous than Miriam Scott, who manipulated her gay son into conversion therapy by threatening to disown him after reading text messages between Keegan and his secret boyfriend. People who’d never been abused would question why Keegan didn’t walk away from him. He was glad they couldn’t comprehend his choices because it meant they weren’t caught up in a vicious cycle of abuse. It meant they hadn’t faced homelessness and starvation because their only parent thought they were an abomination. Keegan could’ve gotten help if he’d been brave enough to ask his boyfriend for help at the time, but he’d been too scared to defy Miriam.

And he’d paid dearly. Starvation was the kindest form of abuse he’d survived. He had begged her for help, but she turned her back on him. When the leadership decided the only way to cure Keegan’ssicknesswas to force him to have sex with one of the ladies in the cult, Miriam had chosen the woman and expected Keegan to thank her. He’d refused and had suffered more physical and verbal abuse than he’d believed possible. But he had survived her. He got to live in the sunshine while she had to hide in the shadows. He surrounded himself with love while she festered with hate. He broke the cycle. He won. Keegan needed her to know it.

The former Salvation Anew members had too much hate in their hearts to not keep an eye on things happening at Redemption Ridge and in Last Chance Creek. Keegan had known his interview would draw her ire, but he did it anyway. His association with Redemption Ridge was public knowledge, making it easy for people to find him. He did it anyway. Miriam would never miss an opportunity to berate his failings and for speaking out against the men she deemed godly. He did it anyway. Keegan knew he’d never get the apology he deserved. But he did it anyway.

Keegan picked up the envelope and bounced it in his hand. The correspondence weighed next to nothing, so she couldn’t have said much. Acid churned in his stomach as he debated opening the letter or just putting it through the shredder so that he could have the last word. If he didn’t open the envelope, he’d wonder for the rest of his life. With a heavy sigh, Keegan removed his letter opener from his desk drawer and sliced it open. After a few deep breaths, he pulled the sheet of paper free and read it.

I wish you’d never been born.

Two years ago, Keegan would’ve agreed with her. Hoping for a merciful death seemed like the only opportunity he’d had for freedom. But he’d escaped that hellhole. He’d learned the beauty of found family. Keegan had people who championed his recovery every step of the way. And he’d danced with Kerry that fateful night eighteen months ago, and those three minutes changed his life. He hadn’t just survived the monster; he was fucking thriving despite her.

Keegan turned his chair and fed that toxic vitriol through the paper shredder. He watched until the last of the note disappeared and the high-pitchedwhirof the motor stopped. “Never again, Miriam.”

The cycle was over.

“What’s going on with your face?” Brendan teased.

Keegan raised his hands and felt around his mouth, cheeks, and chin. “What do you mean?”

Brendan circled his finger in the air and gestured to Keegan. “I asked what else is new with you after you told me about the letter from Miriam, and you gave me Joker lips.”

That made Keegan laugh. “You’ve heard me mention Kerry before, right?”

“Once or twice,” Brendan teased.

Keegan suspected the number was much higher. “Well, he and I…we, um…” The inability to express himself was interesting. Sexuality had been a major part of their conversations. Keegan had talked about his loneliness and horniness and other humiliating things with relative ease. Why couldn’t he tell Brendan that he’d not only had sex but had it with the guy he’d been pining after for nearly two years?

“I won’t judge you,” Brendan said.

“I know.” But he might suggest it was a bad idea or urge caution.

“You don’t have to earn my approval,” Brendan added.

“I know that as well.” Keegan took a deep breath, then said, “We had sex. Fantastic sex. And I didn’t feel shame afterward. I wanted to do it again.” A rush of emotions surged inside him, pushed against his ribs, and filled his eyes with tears. “He sees me. Really sees me. Kerry understands how fiercely I need to be in control of my destiny, and he supports that. I’ve never wanted anyone the way I do with him.” Keegan frowned as he considered his next words. “I don’t think anyone has ever wanted me as intensely as he does.”

“And it’s scary?” Brendan asked.

Keegan nodded. “It’s terrifying. What if it doesn’t work out? I could lose Sven too. What if I swing and miss and end up back where I was before?”

“Before you met Kerry or before you started therapy?”

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