Page 18 of The Beautiful Mess

“Well, you should,” Kerry replied. Hungry eyes searched Keegan’s face. Would Kerry kiss him? “I’m not built for happily ever after, Keegan. I don’t want that. I know what it’s like to love someone with your whole heart only to have them ripped away from you. I’ve seen what pinning your hopes and dreams on someone else can do. I never want to feel that level of desolation again. You are the first person to come along and test my resolve.”

“And that’s why you could so easily rattle off the length of time between our dances?”

“Yes.” Kerry took a deep breath, and he dreaded what would come next. “But it doesn’t change how I feel, and sometimes I resent the hold you have on me.”

Keegan’s heart sank, and his show of sexy bravado melted like an ice cream cone in August. The urge to get away, to hide and cover his body, rose swiftly, triggering fear and humiliation. He pushed against Kerry’s broad chest, and he stepped back without hesitation. “I’m sorry. I know what you’ve lost, and I should’ve respected your boundaries.”

Kerry turned his back on him and strode a few steps away, stopping abruptly and running both hands through his hair. He turned back around on a frustrated growl and returned to Keegan, but he didn’t reach for him. “I don’t want your apology. I want you to understand where I’m coming from. I care about you a lot, Keegan. You radiate warmth that draws me near, and you smell like sunshine. You’ve become my happy place, even if against my will.” Kerry tried to smile to lighten the mood, but it fell flat. “You light up the world around you, and I never want to be just another asshole who dims your brilliance.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Kerry’s expression was that of a tortured man when he met Keegan’s gaze again. “This is hard for me to say, but it’s necessary. You deserve someone who will love you like Seth loves Rueben. I want you to find that guy because I can never be that for you.” Kerry’s breath hitched as he leaned his forehead against Keegan’s. “But you won’t find that kind of devotion at the Thirsty Cowboy or by looking in my direction. I don’t want to be someone who breaks your heart, so please don’t ask that of me.”

The anguish in Kerry’s eyes flayed Keegan to the bone. His honesty had cost him so much, and Keegan wouldn’t be just another person who crushed Kerry’s spirit. There was only one thing for him to do. “I won’t.”

They stayed that way for a few more glorious moments before Kerry eased back. “I’ll see you out there.”

He left without a backward glance, and Keegan had to remind himself several times throughout his shift not to look in Kerry’s direction. Not when he shadowed Allison at the hostess station and learned the ins and outs of the seating charts and the booking software. The Feisty Bull accepted reservations, but the bulk of their patronage came from walk-ins. Keegan wasn’t at all surprised when the entire ranch showed up to support him on his first night. He got a little flustered, knowing Cash was observing his interactions with the patrons. But his mentor’s watchful gaze wasn’t what made Keegan’s hands shake when he switched from shadowing the hostess to a server midway through his shift. There was no one better to observe than Nate, but serving tables included many trips to the bar to place drink orders. Keegan avoided Kerry whenever he could by giving his drink orders to Ryder, and he avoided Kerry’s gaze whenever the other bartender was busy. That was what Kerry claimed to want, but the intensity of his stare increased with each passing hour until Keegan thought he’d go nuts before the last customers cleared out.

The entire crew gathered at the bar to share a single drink of their choice to celebrate a successful night. It was a welcome reward after hustling for hours, but it didn’t signal the end of their work. They needed to restore the restaurant to pristine order before they could leave, and the crew worked like a well-oiled machine to get it done efficiently. Keegan felt like a wrench in the cog, but he was grateful to everyone for either their time or instruction.

“The night’s still young,” Allison said when a group of them exited the restaurant through the back door. “Who’s up for pizza?”

Keegan was dead on his feet. He hadn’t slept well the previous night, and it felt like he’d been put through an emotional gauntlet from the moment his feet touched the floor that morning. But pizza sounded amazing, and he didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts yet. “I’m in.”

“Mind if I get a ride with you?” Nate asked. “I rode with Kelly, but she needs to head home. She has church choir practice before the service.”

“Sure,” Keegan said. “I’m just over there.” He pointed toward the Redemption Ridge truck Cash let him drive.

“Hey, Keegan.” Kerry’s voice rang out from behind him. “Can we talk a minute?”

Several pairs of eyes shifted to Keegan, so he worked hard to conceal his dread. He clicked a button on the key fob. “Go ahead and get in,” he told Nate. “This won’t take long.”

Nate darted a glance between Keegan and Kerry, then furrowed his brow. “Is everything okay? I couldn’t help but notice you kind of avoided Kerry tonight.”

Well, darn. So much for not being obvious. “Everything is fine. I’m sure he wants to ask me something about Sven.” Nate sent one last questioning look in Kerry’s direction before he walked away. Keegan pivoted and made his way to where Kerry stood next to the building. The area was heavily shadowed and kind of creepy, but he wasn’t scared. Much. “Hey,” he said casually.

“What the hell was that back in there?” Kerry’s voice was low and gruff. He gestured toward the building in case Keegan needed clarification.

Keegan had thought his emotional tank was empty when he stepped outside, but Kerry’s surly attitude reignited his spark. He straightened his shoulders and notched his chin higher. “I gave you what you wanted, Kerry. You said you didn’t want me to look in your direction.”

Kerry growled his frustration. “I didn’t mean ever. I just don’t want you to look at me with those bedroom eyes.”

“I don’t even know what that is, so I best keep my gaze averted.”

“Please don’t,” Kerry said.

“Please don’t what? You tell me not to look at you but then get upset when I do what you ask. Do you even hear yourself?”

“I know,” Kerry groaned. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just don’t want hard feelings between us. My family adores you, and they’d never forgive me if you stopped coming around because I’m an asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole,” Keegan said. But he intended to scale back his time with the Hart clan. He would miss them like crazy, but his mental health wouldn’t survive their matchmaking attempts. Keegan didn’t really believe Kerry’s standing with his family was in jeopardy, but his concern seemed sincere. “Everything will be okay. Tonight was just…raw. I’ll see you around.”

“Christ,” Kerry bit out. “I recognize a brush-off when I hear it.”

Keegan forced a laugh. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“So, you’ll be at dinner tomorrow night?” Kerry pressed.

“Unless something comes up.” And it would.

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