Page 52 of The Beautiful Mess

But he’d been thinking that a lot over the past month, existing in a blissful dreamlike state. Keegan finally understood what it felt like to flourish professionally and personally. Debbie had taken him under her wing and taught him so much about what hospitality means in the restaurant industry. Cash had included him in the process of choosing an architect and scouting potential locations. His mentor listened and encouraged his ideas. Keegan no longer felt like an aimless extra on the ranch who just filled in wherever the crew needed a body. He had a purpose and a future that made him proud.

And the universe was finally easing up on Kerry. Chuck the Fuck hadn’t made a nuisance of himself since the night of the semitruck accident on the bridge. As for the lawsuit, Vinny told Kerry not to worry about it, so Kerry didn’t. The deposition was coming up on Monday, and Vinny expected Bozeman to drop the lawsuit when he saw the evidence they had on him. Without those stressors, Kerry had more free time to give to Keegan. The dates, overnight stays, and the long phone calls when they couldn’t be together just entrenched Kerry deeper and deeper into Keegan’s heart. Yet a not-so-small part of himself waited for someone to pull the rug out from under him or to jump out from a hiding spot and declare this had all been a colossal practical joke.

His next inhale hurt, and Keegan realized he’d been holding his breath…again. It happened every time he basked in the new joys he’d discovered about himself and the man he fell harder for every day.This is too good to be true.The thought would invade his happiness like an infectious disease, tainting his joy and killing his mood. And like with any sickness, the side effects were often just as painful and, in his case, took the form of additional mean thoughts.You’re being too clingy. Careful, your desperation is showing.

All the things he feared attacked him when he seemed to be happiest, like cuddling against Kerry after sex. He’d move to give Kerry space, but a big hand would haul him back and tuck Keegan tighter against his body. That should’ve been an antidote to cure his fears, but it felt more like slapping a bandage on a bullet wound and hoping for the best. Keegan tried the techniques he learned in therapy to silence the negative voices, but he’d only turned down the volume so far.

“Yes, you are.” Kerry’s husky voice caught Keegan by surprise, and he turned from the wall of windows to find him standing there with a wineglass in one hand and a bottle of water in the other. Kerry had switched to water after a glass of wine since he was driving. His responsibility was almost as sexy as the rocking body he’d covered with slacks and a white dress shirt for their vineyard date.

“I’m what?” Keegan asked in confusion.

Kerry studied him for several seconds with a wry smile that dragged Keegan’s attention to his mouth. “You don’t even know, do you?”

“Apparently not.”

Kerry set the drinks on the table beside them. He settled one hand on Keegan’s hip and cupped his face with the other. Keegan leaned into his caress, much like Kerry’s beloved cat did, and relished the warm palm against his cheek. Then Kerry moved, a gentle sway to the live music at the opposite end of the large room. The slow dance didn’t make his turbulent musings vanish in a puff of smoke, but the remaining tendrils were faint enough for Keegan to pretend they weren’t there. Kerry leaned in close for what Keegan thought was a kiss, but he put his mouth to Keegan’s ear instead. “Just now, you were gazing out the window at the beautiful sunset, and you called it utter perfection. And I said, ‘Yes, you are.’”

“Oh,” Keegan said breathlessly. “I didn’t realize I’d spoken out loud.” How often did he do that? And did he talk in his sleep? His insides curdled at the thought because that’s when the insidious thoughts lashed at him the hardest, invading his dreams and putting Keegan back in his place after he’d dared to climb too high. “I’m not perfect.”

The joy in Kerry’s gaze dimmed a little, and two lines formed between his brows when he narrowed his eyes. “You are perfect for me.” Kerry leaned in and softly kissed his lips. “I think we’re perfect for each other.” He rubbed his nose against Keegan’s. “Your courage is the reason I’ve decided to seek therapy. I still have so much shit to work through, and I want to give you the best version of myself.”

Keegan pulled back and stared into Kerry’s dark eyes. “I’m so proud of you, and I will support you however I can. Always.”

Over the past month, they’d spent hours sharing their deepest, darkest traumas and fears. Kerry talked about losing his sister and father with a naked vulnerability that stole Keegan’s breath. He understood why Kerry had protected his heart so fiercely. And Kerry never shied away from Keegan’s trauma. He didn’t back away from the tears or express pity or disgust. He sometimes had to work through anger on Keegan’s behalf, but that usually ended with them getting naked in the home gym. Kerry made him feel cared for and seen for the very first time in his life, and it was both exhilarating and so fucking scary.

Keegan closed his eyes and savored the warmth of Kerry’s body pressed to his. He allowed himself to get lost in the music as they swayed in the fading sunlight. Soft lips pressed against his, and he parted to let Kerry in, and they kissed until they were breathless. When Keegan stared into Kerry’s beautiful brown eyes, he vowed never to take beautiful moments like these for granted.

“Do you think you’ve taken enough notes for Cash?” Kerry’s husky tenor left no doubt about some alternative activities he had in mind.

He took Kerry by the hand and led him across the floor. “Let’s get out of here.”

“I had a wonderful time,” Kerry said once they stepped outside. “I’m trying all kinds of new things with you, and I really like it.”

“Glad you feel that way because I packed an impulse buy in my bag. It’s for couples, and you might think it’s lame.”

“Sounds intriguing,” Kerry said. “Give me a hint.”

“It involves nudity.”

Kerry tugged his hand and walked faster. “I’m tickled pink anytime I get you naked.”

Keegan smiled at a reference Kerry wouldn’t understand until they got back to the hotel room, and he revealed the couple’s activity he’d purchased on a whim. They were strapped in and heading down the vineyard’s long gravel drive in record time. Keegan watched the venue fade into the side mirror through a small cloud of dust stirred up by Kerry’s tires. He wasn’t driving fast or reckless, but the man was definitely on a mission.

“Can I have another clue?”

Keegan considered it and shook his head. “It will be too easy to guess.” But he had something else on his mind that he finally felt brave enough to broach. “I don’t want to use condoms with you anymore.”

Kerry had reached the end of the drive and stopped the truck. There wasn’t another vehicle in sight, but he didn’t pull onto the road. He turned to look at Keegan, eyes blazing with an intensity that sparked a response low in his belly. “I’ve wanted that since the first time our lips met. I hate anything separating us, but are you sure? I’ve always used condoms, and I get tested regularly. I could undergo another round if it makes you feel better.”

“I had a full round of screenings during my hospital stay after I escaped the compound. I’ve maintained the testing, even though I wasn’t having sex until recently. I started taking PrEP after discussing my readiness for intimacy during therapy. I…um, didn’t intend to have unprotected sex with strangers. I wanted a backup.” Keegan swallowed nervously. He’d stepped this far out of his comfort zone and didn’t want to stop now. “I need all of you, and I want to get downright filthy with you tonight.”

“Hold on.” Kerry faced the road and punched the gas hard enough to make the rear tires spin. He whooped like a wild man as he fishtailed out of the driveway and sped down the deserted road.

Keegan threw his head back and laughed at Kerry’s antics.

“Told you I was a mess,” Kerry said, but he sounded proud of it for the first time. “And we’re about to get a lot messier.” He glanced over at Keegan with a quirked brow. “I believe you said downright filthy.”

“You have no idea,” Keegan replied.

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