Page 68 of Paddy

“I admit I had my suspicions,” Tadhg calmly answered first. “One day his number two was here. The next day he wasn't.Wasn't hard to put two and two together.” Tadhg had worked with and for Pa the longest, and those types of things he silently observed better than anyone.

“I don't understand. Mum was unfaithful?” Cillian asked, hurt and confusion of his tone.

“We're still brothers, Cilly. I just may not?—”

“I don't want to hear this horse shite!” Bellamy interrupted, unable to hide his anger. “My little brother's a fucking Sullivan.”

Bellamy held my face in his hands, to make me look him in the eye. “My brother got beat the shite out of him,likea Sullivan. My brother fuckslikea Sullivan. He fucking killslikea Sullivan. Youarea Sullivan.”

Bellamy aggressively pointed to the tombstone, rage fueling his words. “Thisis not your father.Pais. You even put your mate down, so if anything, you're more like our father than we are. You areOisín’sson! And I better not hear this shite mentioned ever again.” Bellamy stormed off, putting as much distance between himself and the grave.

Órfhlaith, being the only one equipped to comfort me, asked if I was ok and if I wanted something specific when we reached her home. Cillian still seemed shaken up by the news. I’m sure it hurt to realize our childhood was basically a lie. He had a chance to do better, which he was doing every day. But you couldn’t get rid of the hurt behind the truth.

Tadhg was ok. Or at least, in the way Tadhg dealt with things. If anything, he was the strongest of us in that regard. Who knows the kinds of secrets he’s been forced to keep outside ofwhat we did.

After today, I came to terms that I was, and always would be, a Sullivan. According to my siblings, they'd always see me as one too.

***

I was in a bad way once everything calmed down, so it’d been a good idea to stay with Órfhlaith for a while. At least I felt useful when I was here, and for my mental health, I didn’t think I could be alone right now.

Even with all my losses, at least I had family. Pushing my feelings down had made me numb in the last few weeks, but it was for the greater good. I worked better when I was numb.

Honestly, with me gone an entire month, there’d been plenty to do when I got back, as there’d been assignment kills Tadhg admitted he couldn’t trust with anyone else. I was happy to get back to work, honestly it just gave me something to do to get my mind off…her.

Most times, if I wasn’t taking care of business, I didn’t leave the house for more than long drives and confession.

A light knock came at my door, and despite it being on the gentler side, it still made me jump up, given it was random. Órfhlaith popped her head inside the door. “Hey, Pad. Think you can take a look at a leak I've got in the kitchen?”

“No repairman?” I suspiciously questioned.

“You said you didn't fancy strange men in the house, unless you're here. I haven't made time to call one. Wanted to see if it was even necessary, so I'm asking you.”

“Fine, I'll be right down.” Readying myself to assess the damage, oblivious to the fact Órfhlaith hadn’t followed me, when I reached the kitchen, I finally knew why.

There had been no leak at all. Pretty sat at Órfhlaith’s kitchen table, coming to a stand when I entered the room. “What are you doing here?” I asked defensively.

Well, you haven't exactly been taking my phone calls. Or at the very least answering my letters,” she said, as she pulled off her gloves. “I wanted to see for myself that you were all right.”

“Well, you see now. Happy?” refusing to give her more than a glance. If I gave her more than that, then I’d notice how beautiful she looked, and how much I bloody missed her.

“Can we talk in private?” She asked in a desperate, yet sympathetic tone.

“Pretty you said enough to me that day we agreed to cool down.” Her words, they fucking destroyed me. But maybe it was because that's how I felt about myself. That I was everyone's mistake. Hearing that from the woman you loved just made you feel small.

“Paddy,please. I have too much to say to you to just leave.”

“Fine!” Giving in, as I led her to the room I stayed in, closing the door behind us. We both sat on the bed, but I was committed to not giving more than one glance. Being around her was hard enough.

“I really miss you.” Her voice heavy and teary eyed.

“Yeah, well, I missed you too, but my pride can't go over all the things you said to me that day.”

“I know Paddy, and I'm so sorry?—”

“You ripped my heart out Pretty. And then, you seared it on a grill and you served it up to me. Loving you made me stupid. I'm just not ready to put myself through that again.” Ashamed at how much pain I let her words cause.

“Paddy, I know what I said to you was wrong. Most of what I said was out of frustration and anger, fear. I thought my life was falling apart.”

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