Page 27 of Tormented Dreams

Grace snorted inelegantly and shook her head. "God! Right now, I'm wondering what doesn't need to change! I'm not sure I even know where to start."

"You've always seemed so well suited," observed Trinity with honest speculation. "Surely, there's nothing wrong with your kink compatibility?"

"No, I can't deny that if sex was all there was to it, then there'd be no problem whatsoever," Grace admitted, flopping back on the comfy padded armchair in a slump.

"Ah, well, that's a positive start, surely. Kink and sex are important components in our kind of lifestyle."

"I don't disagree, but they're not the only things." She straightened slightly and crossed her legs in an effort to appear less boorish.

"So I'm guessing that maybe the Master/slave dynamic isn't working for you then?" queried Serenity, watching her intently. "Is there something in particular, or is it the whole thing in general?"

Grace pondered the question, biting absently on her bottom lip as she did so. "I guess part of the problem is I actually feel more distanced from Xavi since we entered this aspect of our relationship than I did beforehand."

"You were expecting it to bring you closer together," Trinity observed. It wasn't really a question, but Grace answered anyway.

"Of course, I did. Wouldn't you have had the same expectation from that kind of dynamic? Surely, there can't be anything that implies closeness as much as an M/s relationship, where the whole ethos revolves around one person being completely cared for by the other?"

"I agree." Serenity nodded with a gentle contemplation. "That would be my understanding too."

Trinity frowned again. "I hear what you're saying, but I guess that's what I meant when I asked how you made it work, since you're not living together. Is that why you're having issues with it yourself?" she asked frankly, leaning forward with her elbows on the table in genuine interest.

"I don't know, to be honest. Maybe that's part of it. But really, I'm not sure I'm cut out to mindlessly follow somebody else's dictates."

Grace leaned back, slightly uncomfortable with the attention, and rested her neck against the back of the chair, staring sightlessly up at the ceiling as if it held all the answers in the universe, before sitting up and facing the two women again.

"I certainly don't think I've discovered anything worthwhile during this whole process. In fact, if anything, I feel like I've lost more than I've gained," she grumbled, picking up the crumpled napkin and scrubbing it distractedly against the tabletop.

"Xavier seems more distant. The times we spend together are far more regimented. There no longer seems to be any room for anything spontaneous or impulsive." Grace threw down the ruined tissue and flopped back again, plucking at her bottom lip, oblivious to the noise around her, the sights and sounds and smells of the club, her consciousness mired deep within her swirling thoughts.

"It's like I've swapped what I believed was a budding, good humoured relationship for something staid and stern, where all I get out of it is someone telling me what to wear and when to eat."

"So I take it you're not a fan of accountability and punishment then," Trinity interjected drily as she cocked an eyebrow in what might almost have been amusement.

"Oh come on!" Grace retorted, slapping a hand down onto the leather of the curved bench seat. "Like there can really be any kind of accountability… well, unless I'm going to be accountableto myself, and that is pretty much what it boils down to. And I’ve been doing that my whole life!"

She scowled fiercely. "Xavier isn't around to evaluate my actions…or lack of them. The truth is he doesn't know if I eat the healthy diet he tells me to, or if I lunch at the time I'm supposed to. He has no way of knowing if I've actually worn the clothes he's chosen for me or something completely different. He can't even tell if I've gone to bed at the specified time. Because he's not there!"

Grace swivelled her head sharply and looked from one woman to the other. "I mean, what exactly am I supposed to be getting out of this? Because I can tell you with absolute certainty the only incentive I have to do any of this stuff is a somewhat jaded desire for Xavier to be happy. And believe me, that's waning at one heck of a rate!"

"Have you spoken to him about how you feel?" Serenity interjected calmly. "One of the things both Trinity and my husband drummed into me, is the importance of clear communication, and I have come to learn how very true that is through my own experiences."

Beside her, Trinity nodded in contemplation, adding her own quiet agreement to the redhead's words.

Grace sighed and the anger seemed to deflate right out of her. "You're right, of course. I do know that. But I've been putting it off in an attempt to settle into things, thinking they might improve with time. I didn't want it to seem like I was complaining about everything before I'd even given it a chance."

"Well, that's a worthy philosophy, but I think you can safely say that you've done that at this point. He's not going to know there's a problem unless you tell him."

"And here I thought these almighty Doms were always supposed to be able to tell when their subs were unhappy," Grace retorted sarcastically.

Trinity laughed out loud, and even Serenity grinned.

"He may well know there's something wrong and have an idea you're not completely happy," Trinity agreed. "But that's still not going to supply him with the specifics. He's not a mind reader, you know. None of them are, regardless of what they might like us to think. Which means the onus is on you to tell him."

"I do need to talk to him," Grace accepted graciously, blinking against the unexpected sting she felt behind her eyes. "And I will…if I can ever find the time to sit down face to face and actually have that conversation. I mean, seriously, I'm not even sure what Xavier's getting out of this relationship as it stands. He says he doesn't have time for a conventional relationship with his job and his additional commitments to the A&E department."

Grace let out a throaty noise that sounded suspiciously like a growl. "And that's a damn joke as well. I mean, he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart in an effort to give back to the community, but I swear, they're taking advantage instead of making any real effort to fill their staff vacancies. He's there every single week, usually more than once, and that's after he's put in a full day at his practice, or on his days off, never mind his research hours…but I'm going off on a tangent here. That's not relevant. Well, it kind of is, but I'm getting off track."

Grace took a breath and reached for her wine again, sipping far more demurely this time.

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