Page 9 of Wildest Dreams

A funeral.

After the day softly clicks shut, I turn and see Orla standing with fresh towels.

“Go and have a nice hot bath, I’ll listen out for Lainey,” she smiles at me, her eyes kind of watery and my heart swells.

“Are you sure?” I feel like I am taking far too much of her kindness.

“Of course, go and relax. I love having a little bundle in the house and with my three rowdy boys, who knows when I will get a grandchild of my own,” she sighs, but I can see the sadness that blankets her face, her mind elsewhere.

“Thank you, Orla,” I reach out, my hand resting on the top of her arm and her hand covers mine for a brief moment.

I drop it and take the warm towels from her as I tuck myself away in the main bathroom. Locking the door behind me, I let out my held breath. What did I do to deserve someone like Orla?

My heart aches in my chest and I find myself rubbing it out.

I miss my mom. I miss the motherly love that she gave me. Maybe I was seeking that out of Orla, wrapping myself up in a blanket of love. But I knew that blanket would be snatched from me soon enough and I would be back, tossed out and brushing myself down again.

Sighing, I hang the towels on the heated towel rail and peel my tee from my sticky skin. I saymytee, when it’s actually Pacey’s.

The Montana sun is warm which heats up the cabin like a furnace.

Looking around the large bathroom, the floors are covered in an off-white tile. To my left is a his and hers vanity sink unit, a large mirror hanging over it. To my right is the toilet and ahead is a beautiful copper tub with a copper free hanging shower and a glass shower door, the floor slightly slopped so the water can run away, and to the left of the tub where your feet would be facing, is a large window overlooking the rolling green and snow kissed mountains.

Folding the tee up, I place it on the sink unit. My eyes lift from the soft material and catch my reflection in the mirror.

Tired blue eyes, puffy bags and pale skin.

I felt every bit broken, every bit tired and worn out.

I wasn't in control and that didn't help. Everything that has happened over the last twenty-four hours have not been conducted by me. This trip here was made because itneededto be made. I didn't want to come back here.

Being back in the house that I used to get sneaked into, being back in the close proximity of the only man that ever held my heart so delicately, was not because I wanted to be. I ended up here in some weird, twist of fate.

My eyes fall to my stomach, a little saggy and covered in silver stretch marks from my blessing.

I never wanted kids.

Never wanted to ever put them into a position where they could lose me. No child should lose a parent. No child should grow up without their mother.

I never wanted that for my kids.

So, my solution? Don't have them.

It was that simple.

But Lainey happened. She found me.

And I am so glad she did.

My life has never been the same since.

And I mean that in the best way.

Shaking my thoughts from my head, I tiptoe across the tiled bathroom floor and pop my toe into the copper bath. The warmth splinters over my skin and I feel myself instantly relax. I lower myself down and sink beneath the water. My eyes close for just a moment, my fingers curled round the cool roll top of the tub and my heart slows to a steady beat. When I finally open my eyes, I focus on the view in front of me. It was breathtaking. And just for that second, I was somewhere far, far away from my train wreck of a life.

The way the green hills rolled into the distance, the pretty mountains stood tall and proud, the glisten of the winter snow—which over the next couple of months will gradually melt, but only for a moment before it's back, wrapped around the top of them.

No one can see me, my view is completely unrestricted, and I imagine what it must feel like to live somewhere like this, where this is your view. Every corner of this house has a picturesque view wrapped around it. Every part of it is perfect.

---