Page 62 of Honey Bee Hearts

Telling the bees is a tradition with a lot of beekeepers. Rhett told me it’s a tradition so old, it transcends cultures. The hives are a part of the family, and the beekeeper is their constant. Bees keep secrets better than any person, and so the beekeeper comes out and tells the bees everything. Celebrations, new family additions, bad news, good news, it doesn’t matter. You can tell the bees everything. You can tell them every small detail. They’ll never tell anyone.

I pull on the netted hat and slowly make my way over to the hives. The gentle buzzing of the bees fills the air and makes me feel warm as I step between them. I don’t go up to any of the hives. I just sit in the middle of the dozens of beehives on the grass. I lean back on my elbows, my legs out in front of me, as I tip my head up to the sunshine. Above me, the air is filled with hundreds, maybe thousands, of bees flying to and from their destinations. Like little fuzzy shooting stars. I take a deep breath.

“I know you don’t usually hear from me,” I tell them softly. “But I needed someone to talk to, and Rhett said you can keepa secret better than any person.” The bees don’t answer. They don’t even change their patterns. I smile and settle back, lying on the ground completely and looking up at them. “I like it here. Love it even,” I begin. “This. . . being at Circle Bee, it’s exactly what I needed. . . but I’m terrified to leave.”

“You don’t have to be scared,” Jinx whispers, appearing beside me lying in the grass like I am. “But if you are, that’s okay. Even queens are afraid sometimes. They just act despite it.”

Those were words she’d used to tell me about any life-changing event I might have been nervous about. Alive, she was my hype person, my consciousness, the devilandangel on my shoulder. I was hers. We were a unit, and now I’m completely alone.

“The loneliness waiting for me back home is daunting,” I whisper to her. “You should be there, but you aren’t.” To the bees, I say, “I lost my best friend on January eighth, and I’ve been hollow ever since. The doctors think it’s my leg, that I’m having phantom pains, but it’s not that at all. It’s the hole left in my life when she died, and I don’t think I’ll ever recover.”

Jinx turns her head to look at me. I can see her here, in the place, at home with the cowboys and the bees. She would have loved everything about Circle Bee. She would have had the time of her life. Fate is fucking cruel for her never getting to experience this.

I dash the tears from the corner of my eyes with the back of my hand angrily, a bit of a feat with the netted hat on, and focus back on the sky, on the bees flying above.

“On top of that, I think. . . I may be falling for the men of Circle Bee.” I laugh at myself and shake my head. “Stupid, isn’t it? Gunnar makes sense, but the other three? I’ve lost my mind, I know. Trent pretty much me warned me away from himself. Colt, well, Colt’s red flags are alive and well. And Rhett? I’mpretty sure the longest commitment he’s ever had is to y’all, to his bees. There’s no place in his life for someone like me. There’s no place for me here at all.” I sigh. “I went on a date with Gunnar a few days ago and it feels like he doesn’t even wanna look at me today. I don’t know what happened, or if I’m reading too far into things. I just. . . I don’t know anything.”

The bees don’t answer. I don’t expect them to, but I do feel a little better when I finish. I lay there for a few minutes just listening to them, soaking in the warmth that they bring as they go about their bee business. They have bigger things to worry about than a silly, lonely woman spilling secrets.

“I see her,” I admit softly. “Dr. Julia says it’s PTSD, that it can cause hallucinations, and told me to take pills, but I stopped taking them so I can still see her. She talks to me, tells me when I’m wrong, and I can talk back to her.” Jinx smiles at me as I say the words. “But I know she’s not real. I know her ashes are in my cabin right now in an urn too simple for the bright spot of color she was. I know she’s not here with me despite how badly I want her to be.” My eyes water again as Jinx stares at me, as the phantom created from my own mind watches me carefully. “I know I’ll have to let her go to heal, but I can’t bear the thought of it.” She fades away, leaving me with just the bees, and loneliness crashes into me so hard my chest hurts.

The memory of Rhett singing to his bees comes back to me and I close my eyes. Tears run down my face to drip on the grass through the netting, leaving my own mark for the bees. I start to sing, softly at first, uncertain. My voice is shaky and probably out of tune, but the bees don’t seem to care as I sing to them. I sing one of the sea shanties Jinx and I used to love, one we sang at the last renaissance fair we’d ever been to together when the bard had called up some volunteers. The mead had hit just right and we’d both thought we could sing. It’s a memory I’ll always hold close to my heart. All of the memories I’ll hold in my heart wraparound me like a blanket and I trail off, my voice overcome with my emotion.

“That was beautiful.”

I jerk upright with a gasp and turn toward the voice, my eyes widening at the sight of Rhett standing nearly beside me. “How long have you been there?”

He tilts his head, a crooked grin flashing on his lips. “Just for the song. I didn’t intrude on your telling of the bees.”

Relief floods me. Oh, thank goodness. I don’t have any desire to explain about Jinx or my PTSD to Rhett of all people.

His eyes trace my face and for the first time, I realize he’s sporting a bruise under his right eye. When did that happen? “Have you been crying?”

“No. Of course not,” I lie, reaching up to wipe at my face in case there are lingering wet spots. “Just my allergies.” I glance around. “I’m sorry if I intruded on your work?—”

“Don’t be silly,” he says, cutting me off. “You’re welcome to come out here anytime you’d like.”

“I. . . thank you,” I murmur awkwardly. “Should I. . . leave?”

He shakes his head. “Not unless you want to.” He comes over and takes a seat next to me, folding his arms across his legs. Taking a deep breath, he pulls off his hat.

“What are you doing?” I gasp. “Won’t you get stung?”

“They know me,” he says with a smile. “Besides that, they only see humans as a threat if their hives are being messed with. We’re at least ten feet from every hive. They won’t think we’re hurting them unless we’re within four feet of them.” He reaches over and pulls the hat from my head. The bees don’t even take notice. “Just don’t be afraid. There’s no reason to be.”

I nod, nervous as I push my hair back from my face. “I’m not interrupting your work, am I?”

He smiles. “A welcome distraction.” He leans closer and bumps his shoulder against mine. “You run through my mindall day anyways, so it’s not like you’re doin’ anything out of the ordinary.”

I snort. “Alright, Casanova. You don’t have to lie to me.”

He shrugs. “That wasn’t a lie. I may be many things, but a liar isn’t one of them. I’d much rather work in half-truths, embellishments, and misdirects.”

Staring at him, I digest the information he just gave me. The honesty in his words is apparent, so that means that he won’t tell me a flat out lie, but he may change things slightly to make them sound better. I’ll have to keep that in mind.

“What is it you think you want with me, Rhett?” I ask, watching him carefully. “Is it a game?”

“Life is a game. That’s how we entertain ourselves,” he answers.

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