Page 8 of Honey Bee Hearts

Dr. Julia thinks this trip is going to be good for me. We’ve had long extensive conversations about what to expect and how to handle any situations that could arise. I’m still having panic attacks at the most inconvenient times. I can’t ride in a vehicle I’m not driving without one. I’m not sure how I’m going to handle getting to the ranch from the airport. Dr. Julia had asked if I needed a higher dose of my meds, but I’d refused. I’m not taking them, so that wouldn’t have helped me anyway. We normally meet once a week but since I’ll be out of town for a month, she’d agreed to Zoom calls if I have enough signal. Worst case, we’ll be emailing back and forth if I need help.

I throw a bunch of leggings and comfortable clothing in the bag, piling it in chaotically. It doesn’t really matter if it has wrinkles. Still, if I’m going to do anything on the ranch, I know I can’t exactly wear yoga pants, so I make sure I do at last have all my jeans and a pair of my favorite cosplay boots. I’ll look for apair of cheap cowgirl boots at the store and a hat, too. But that’s about all I need.

My eyes dance over to my sewing machine and craft kit. It sits in the corner gathering dust. The last outfit I’d been working on sits on top of it, a pretty jacket meant for fringe and for when Jinx and I were going to find a country bar to go to. It was going to be glitz and glamour and perfect, but I haven’t touched it. The sparkle is dulled right now because of the dust, but I remember when Jinx had gushed about it, how jealous she’d been. I’d been planning on making her one after I finished mine. I have the material, too.

“You should take the sewing machine with you, Everhart,” Jinx says as she appears by the sewing machine. She traces her fingers over the top of it, but the dust doesn’t move, as if no one is there at all.

“I haven’t made anything since—” I choke off, unable to say it. If I don’t say it, maybe it won’t be true. Maybe this is all a long nightmare I can’t wake up from. Maybe I’m still in the hospital on breathing machines. But no. I know that’s not true. I understand it’s not, but sometimes, we want so much for things to be different, we could convince ourselves of something like that if we try hard enough. Dr. Julia warned me against it, so I force myself to think of something else instead.

“Just in case,” Jinx argues. “You don’t have to use it, but what if you lose a button on a shirt? What if a cowboy needs an emergency patch and he has to strip naked in your room? Or, and hear me out, what if you get the urge to cosplay a rootin’ tootin’ cowgirl?”

I snort, and I can’t fight the small smile that pulls at my lips despite the sadness swallowing my soul.

“There’s a smile,” Jinx sighs. “It’s been so long since you smiled.”

I stare at her, at this phantom that isn’t really a phantom. Part of me had hoped in the beginning that ghosts were real, that she was really here supporting me, but I know she’s not. There are no ghosts here, only hauntings. And I suspect the loss of my best friend, my sister, will haunt me until the end of my days.

“You should be going with me,” I rasp, wishing that she could hold my hand right now, that I could feel her squeeze it three times like she used to, that I could squeeze it back.

Jinx tilts her head. “I am going, silly. I wouldn’t miss this for the world.”

I clench my jaw against the overwhelming urge to cry, but still, my lashes grow wet, and I have to quickly wipe my face off with the palm of my hand. Without questioning it, I swipe all the material and the jacket from my sewing table into the sewing bag. Then I quickly pack up the sewing machine and set it down beside it. My sewing kit and everything goes in the craft bag before I move it over toward the door, ready to go.

“That’s my Everhart,” Jinx says behind me, pride in her voice.

It only makes me cry harder, until the items grow blurry through my tears, but I don’t take them away. They’ll go with me because I know Jinx would demand I not give up making things. I take them because she would have wanted me to.

For Jinx. Always for Jinx.

Chapter 5

Fable

It’s good to know that airplanes don’t trigger my panic attack the same way cars do. Also, the bus doesn’t trigger it either. Apparently, it’s big enough not to feel like a car, or maybe it’s because it’s so large, it doesn’t feel like I’m in danger. So far, everything has gone smoothly. The security check point had been fast, and I hadn’t even needed to take off my shoes. The plane is on time. And now I’m in the window seat with no one in the middle, giving me plenty of room to stretch out and not feel like I have to make conversation with the people around me.

I’m really hoping the vehicle the ranch is sending to pick me up won’t be a problem. They said there’d be someone waiting for me with my name on a board. Jinx would have loved that. She would have had them write something silly on the board. Instead, I’d barely been able to convince myself to come on this trip, let alone do something funny.

The man sitting in the aisle seat in my row immediately puts on a large pair of noise cancelling headphones and goes to sleep, snoring before we’ve even taken off. They’re still finishing up their checks, but everyone is loaded now. It’s hardly a full flight,maybe half of it filled up. It’s early enough in the morning that people try to avoid this flight.

I’d almost not gotten on the plane. This is a crazy idea, running off to Wyoming on a trip paid for by my dead best friend. My heart begins thumping wildly in my chest as I debate getting off the plane and going back home.

“Consider this my dying wish,” Jinx murmurs, leaning over me from the middle seat to look out the window.

I glance over at her. “You’re already dead. It can’t be your dying wish.”

“Semantics,” she shrugs. “So what if we did things a little out of order? This is for your birthday in a few weeks, remember? You can’t just not go.”

“I’m on the plane, aren’t I?” I grunt back, my fingers digging into the arms of my seat as I lean my head back.

“That you are, Everhart,” she muses. “Remember, you gotta at least smash one cowboy for me.”

The next time I look, she’s not there. I only see the sleeping man with his too large headphones. As I stare, a massive snore comes out of his mouth and makes me jump.

“Fuck,” I sigh, leaning my head back again, settling in and trying to calm my nerves. The flight has one stop on the way, but I’ll be in the air for at least four hours. I need to calm myself down, so I don’t have a panic attack once we’re in the air with nowhere to go. I pull out my own headphones and connect them to my phone before pressing play. A song from Jinx’s and my shared playlist pops on, one of my favorites. I smile despite everything and close my eyes. The next thing I know, I’m waking up when we’re landing at our first stop. I transition planes and do the same for the second flight, sleeping through both plane rides thanks to the playlist on my phone. Before I know it, the plane ride is done and I’m stepping off it into the Southwest Wyoming Regional Airport.

Following the crowd through the airport in a daze, I keep out of their way mostly and wait for our baggage to come through the claim. When the siren sounds to let us know that our suitcases are coming, I watch for my purple suitcase and my sewing bag, only stepping forward once I see them coming. I drag them behind me and head for the ground transportation area slowly. When I come down the escalator, I take in the group of people waiting for their guests. One lady squeals and rushes forward to leap into a man’s arms, a bouquet of roses in his hand that he drops in favor of holding her. A dad kneels down to hug his son who flew by himself with his escort. An older man smiles brightly when an older woman carefully steps off the escalator in front of me.

And then there’s the handsome man holding a sign off to the side. He’s wearing a black cowboy hat and dressed in tight-fitting jeans, boots, and a green button-down shirt. His skin is a beautiful shade of sepia brown which the sun had clearly richened like a blessing. He watches the crowd with a charming smile, his bright eyes tracing over each and every person in front of me. In his hands, he holds a sign that says, “Jinx & Fable Everhart.”

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