Page 55 of Barbed Wire Hearts

“What? No!” I cry, moving to step in front of the calf where the mama still cleans it, clearly uncaring if her calf is some sort of anomaly. “He’s fine! He’s alive!”

Levi sighs. “Kate, things work differently out here. That calf won’t live past a few days at most. He’ll be lucky to last through the night.”

“You don’t know that!”

“I do!” he growls, running his hand down the mama’s hide. “I do know that. It’s my job to know that. We can’t save it, Kate.”

The mama still nuzzles her baby, and the calf makes a soft strange bleating sound. “Give him a chance,” I croak.

“He’s going to die, Kate,” Levi says angrily. “Mother nature made a mistake. It happens sometimes?—”

“Give him a chance!” I shout, desperate, my heart breaking for the mama. “She wants him. She’s taking care of him!”

Levi’s face hardens. “I’m not going to watch it die.”

“You don’t have to,” I say, lifting my chin. “I’ll stay with them. I’ll take care of them.”

He scowls, but there’s sadness in his eyes, too. I get it he knows what’s going to happen, but Winnie deserves time to love her baby. Shedeservesthat.

“I’ll take care of them,” I repeat, my eyes welling. “Please. Just give them a chance.”

“Fine,” Levi rasps. “But take them out in the pasture. I have to clean up in here.”

So I do. We wait until the calf is able to get to its feet, until it unsteadily tries to move toward the mama, before I step in to help. He’s top heavy and has a hard time, but once the mama is let out, he follows on unsteady feet. We don’t go far, just outside the barn, and when the calf tries to drink milk, it’s an awkward and difficult task. Eventually, we make it work and then the mama finds a soft patch of grass to lie down on. The calf nestles against her side and collapses there, so I settle against her side and let the calf lay its two heads on my lap.

At least we’re beneath the stars. At least this baby will know his mother’s love and the stars above him. He’ll get to see twice as many stars as I do. My tears drip down my cheeks as I pet both of them, as the mama wraps her head around me until her nose touches her baby’s, as she rests. Soon, she’ll have to mourn this baby, if Levi is to be believed, but for now, she’s a mother, and she’s content.

I focus on the stars, my heart breaking for them, knowing that Levi is probably right. Still, I don’t want to accept it. I don’t want to think about us making that decision when he could have had a chance.

Levi appears a little while later, a blanket in his hands, his head hanging down. I didn’t even realize I was cold until he appeared, so wrapped up in the cows currently resting against me.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly, his eyes sad. “Can I join you?”

I nod and make room for him against the cow, shuffling just enough. Winnie makes a sound of annoyance, but happily moves to rest her head on him instead. He settles back and covers us with the blanket before holding me against him. He pets the sleeping calf almost absentmindedly, his frown still on his face.

“I didn’t mean to sound cruel—” he begins.

“I understand,” I whisper. “But I couldn’t let her not have the chance to at least know her baby. She deserves that.”

He studies me, his eyes taking in my tear-streaked cheeks. He reaches up with his other hand and wipes them away, almost reverently. “He’ll remember you,” he says. “And she will, too. They’ll remember your kindness. People don’t realize how smart cows can be.” He tilts his head back. “At least he’ll know that kindness.”

Together, we lie there, until I fall asleep, the calf laying its two heads in my lap, the mama resting after a difficult birth. Levi must fall asleep at some point, too, his head resting back against Winnie when I wake up with an ache in my hip a little while later and shift closer to him. It isn’t until the first rays of the sun crest the horizon that I realize we’d stayed out all night, the light hitting my face. I jerk awake and look down at the very heavy weight on my thighs as I try to rub the sleep from my eyes.

My heart stops.

“Levi,” I croak, tears springing to my eyes. “Levi, wake up.”

He stirs and looks down at the same sight I see and immediately pulls me against him as I start to cry.

At least he got to see the stars.

When Winnie stands and realizes what’s happened, her bawls of pain destroy me until I can’t walk. Levi has to lift me into his arms and carry me back to the cabin. I cry the entire way and Winnie’s sounds follow me inside. I’ll never forget the sound.

I’ll never forget her pain.

But at least he got to know his mother’s love and the stars.

At least he got that. . .

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