Page 124 of That One Heartbreak

It was still warm even though the sun had set. He followed Kate to the chairs at the far side of the yard, beside the planter they’d made.

“Catch.” She threw something at him, and he put up his hand. A little bottle of bug spray landed in his palms.

“I put some on already,” she told him. “You should too.”

He did as he was told, spraying the pungent aroma all over him.

Then he looked at her, swallowing hard, because it was time.

“Are you okay for me to start talking?” he asked.

She nodded.

“Good. And thank you for agreeing to this.” He took a deep breath, trying not to choke when a waft of bug spray got caught in the back of his throat. And he realized he couldn’t do this with so much space between them. He turned in his chair and reached for her hand.

She gave it to him. And it felt like the best kind of prize.

“I’m so sorry I hurt you,” he told her. “I’m so sorry I said I couldn’t do this with you. Because there’s nothing else I want in the world except you and your kids. What I said that night was unforgiveable. And yet I’m asking you to listen to me, and maybe forgive me. So I can prove to you that I’m worthy.”

Kate squeezed his hand. Fuck, he needed that.

Kate’s chest felt like it was being squeezed as Marley started talking. Mostly because she knew how hard it was for this man to admit weakness. To talk about his feelings.

But he was doing it. For her.

He looked down at his hands. “The last two years… since Paul… I’ve had one thought on my mind. Keeping my promise to him. Making sure you and the kids were safe. I thought that was enough, that by doing that my guilt would be eased.”

“You shouldn’t feel guilty.” Her voice was thick. “Paul’s death wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault.”

“That was why I felt guilty. Such a painful, random act and it happened to a man with a wife and kids. When he was standing next to me, a guy who had none of that. Why him? Why not me?” Marley shook his head. “That’s all I could think about. What kind of irony is it that the one man people wouldn’t miss was spared and the man everybody needed was taken?”

Kate let out a long breath. “You would have been so missed. And Paul never would have wanted you to feel that way.”

“I know. But I think I felt it, anyway. But I just concentrated on doing what I promised. Being a good guy, doing good things. Making sure you and the kids were safe and protected.”

“You can’t live your life paying a price for a deal you never should have made.”

“It’s a good way of not dealing with the pain, though.” His eyes caught hers. “And then I’d feel guilty that I felt any pain, because I know it’s nothing like the pain you and the kids have been through. And look at the four of you. You’re thriving.”

“So are you. And it’s not a competition.” Her breath was shallow. “You’re allowed to feel pain. You’re allowed to feel guilt. You don’t have to keep beating yourself up over something you have no control over.”

The corner of his mouth lifted. “You see, now you’re consoling me.”

“No, I’m just telling you a truth. It took me long enough to learn it. And you were there for me when I did.”

He nodded. “And I’m hearing it. I’m hoping to feel it, too.” He touched his chest. “In here.” He stroked her hand with his thumb. “I went to see Paul today.”

“I know,” she admitted.

“You do?”

“I got a text from Mary. Said she saw you at the cemetery in full uniform.”

“I guess it’s impossible to keep secrets around here.”

“She was just digging for gossip,” Kate said softly. “How was it when you went?”

“I told Paul I’m in love with you. It felt right to be dressed in full uniform for the occasion.” He looked almost peaceful for the first time in days. “I wasn’t struck down by lightning so I figure he’s okay with it.” He smiled. “But what matters is you. I hurt you, and I hate that.”

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