Page 83 of Resisting my Roommate

“You let her go, Jude,” Beckham continues, not backing down despite my request he do so. “Just like you let Krista go.”

“I didn’t let Krista go,” I snap, my voice harsh. “She left me.”

“Did you give her a choice?” he counters. “After losing the baby, you checked out. Pushed her away. Pushed everyone away. All so you wouldn’t have to feel that pain anymore. She left because you didn’t give her a reason to stay. Just like you didn’t give Abbey a reason to stay.”

“I didn’t want to hold her back. Didn’t want to be her reason for staying.”

Finn skillfully removes yet another splinter from my knuckles. “You were that reason, whether you wanted to be or not,” he remarks softly. “And now you’re going to let her walk out of your life because you’re scared of loving her and losing her. Just like you lost Krista. And your baby.”

“Aspen,” I say through the lump in my throat.

“What’s that?” Beckham asks.

“We were going to name her Aspen.”

Silence settles in the room. In what was supposed to be Aspen’s room. Instead, she never left the hospital.

If I could have traded places with her, I would have. I didn’t realize that kind of love was possible until I laid my eyes on her tiny face, only to have her whisked away to the NICU, where doctors tried everything to save her, to no avail.

My brothers are right. I shut down after that. Thought if I stopped loving, I’d stop hurting.

I never did.

I lost Krista because of it.

Am I willing to lose Abbey, too?

“You think you’re protecting yourself by shutting everyone out,” Finn continues, “but all you’re doing is building a prison for yourself.”

“Let me tell you from experience,” Beckham says with a self-deprecating laugh, “prison is not somewhere you want to be.”

I look at the destruction around me, at the mess I’ve made. Not just here, but with Abbey. With everything.

“You can try to avoid love all you want,” Finn says. “Can even claim you don’t love her, but we know you, Jude. You adore that girl. No amount of refusal will change that.”

“I tried to do that with Haley,” Beckham chimes in, sipping on his beer. “Sorry to be the one to break it to you, but that shit doesn’t work. Are you willing to let Abbey walk away and find someone else, all the while wondering what would have happened if you hadn’t been such a goddamn pussy?” He smirks. “Sound familiar?”

I groan. “You’re an asshole for throwing my own words back in my face.”

“But they worked. Made me realize I wasn’t willing to let Haley go. Now I’m hoping they’ll makeyourealize you’re not willing to let Abbey go.”

“What you and Krista went through…,” Finn begins, “was fucking awful. I’m not trying to make light of it or say your grief wasn’t warranted. It was. Still is. But ever since Abbey walked into your life, you’ve been different. I’ve seen the old Jude again. The Jude who joked and enjoyed the little things in life. That’s what Abbey did for you, whether you want to admit it or not. She brought you back to life. Made you live again. If you ask me, that’s something worth taking a risk on.”

I don’t answer. Just stare at the wreckage surrounding me, the weight of everything pressing down.

I wish I could tell him he’s wrong, but I can’t. I’ve been running from my pain for so long, I’ve forgotten how to stop. Forgotten how to live.

Maybe it’s time to finally put it all behind me.

Maybe it’s time to stop running and start living again.

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

ABBEY

The subway rattles beneath me, the rhythmic clatter of wheels on the tracks somehow louder than usual. Or maybe I’m just exhausted.

I lean my head against the cold metal of the seat and stare at the flickering overhead lights. The train is packed with bodies pressed against each other, the air heavy with the smell of sweat. The hum of conversation buzzes in my ears, everything too loud for my taste.

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