Page 97 of Pretty Heartache

She sobs into my chest, giving in and unraveling her arms around her legs. I hold her while she cries. I hold her until the water changes from hot to lukewarm. Her face is still pressed to my chest when she finally speaks again, and I run my fingers through her hair

“Can I ask you something?” Her voice cracks, racked with sadness.

“Anything.” She lifts her head from my chest, and we sit facing one another.

“When you held the hammer against Maddox’s chest...”

I swallow the lump in my throat because I know where this is leading. I know what Adeline is going to say.

“I could see the pain in your eyes. The anger fueling you. You became someone else.”

I bend my legs on either side of her and rest my arms on my knees, then I sniff and close my eyes, relieved to know the claws that once plagued me have gone. Maybe it’s because I’ve crossed some path or bridge I’ve been standing in front of for the past several years. Maybe it’s because of Adeline’s love. Her love has set me free from the cage I’ve lived in for the past ten years.

“When I saw Maddox taunting me, my vision turned red,” I begin to explain. “I slid the hammer down his chest and pressed it to his neck.”

She inhales a shaky breath, and her lips part slightly.

My stomach flips, and I worry this will push her away, but she’s asking me to be vulnerable, so I share the piece of myself I’ve never shared with anyone. The deepest, darkest pieces of my soul.

“As the days went by in prison, I was left with nothing to do but think about the choice I’d made. I thought about how the police and prosecutors barely batted an eye, believing I did all these things. All because I was a Harding. An endless, vicious cycle of thoughts ran through my mind about the ramifications I would face once I was released.” I swallow, thinking about the first night I spent out of prison. “The first night after I was released, I spent it in my penthouse in the city. It’s funny. I spent two years feeling completely isolated, but that night, I’d never felt more alone, more outside myself. I laid in bed, and when I closed my eyes, I felt them.”

“Felt what?” she asks, wrapping her hand around my arm.

“The claws digging into my mind.” I place my hand over hers, watching our fingers move together.

“Claws?” Her eyebrows pull together.

“My brother Jude used to say he feared he would end up like our father. He’d struggled with alcohol and the pressure of society, and at one point in his life, it cost him everything that mattered to him. I never understood him until the night I felt the claws in my mind appearing. They were worse when I looked in the mirror. Instead of me staring at my own reflection, I saw him. I saw that I was now existing in a world where I was closer to becoming him than I had my whole life. No one would ever see me as anyone else. I was the one others would look at, unsurprised I turned out just like him.”

“But you aren’t.” Adeline tightens her grip on my arm. The bath water ripples as she pulls herself impossibly closer so the warmth of her body surrounds me.

“I lived with the claws and pain for years after I was released. All the money in the world couldn’t erase them, though. I tried my best to return to my old life, but I wasn’t the same person. Prison changes you whether you want it to or not. I admit, I made poor choices. When I told you I was taking a break from work, it was because I nearly cost our family’s firm a deal we’d made. I was living in the past. Living in complete darkness… Until there was you.”

Tears line Adeline’s eyes, and the hint of a smile tugs on her mouth.

“I didn’t realize it until earlier when I was holding the hammer to Maddox’s neck,” I confess. “I didn’t realize the claws had all but disappeared, and when they returned, turning my vision red, I felt him. I felt my father, and saw him in Maddox. Anger and rage took over, and I pushed all my pent-up resentment into that hammer. I shouldn’t have done it, but I couldn’t stop. But then you touched me and pulled me back.”

I press my hand to Adeline’s wound-free cheek. She closes her eyes and leans into me, breathing me in.

“I love you so fucking much, Adeline, sometimes it aches,” I tell her, and she opens her eyes. “You said you didn’t need anyone to save you, and while earlier you’d said that I saved you, it’s you who’s truly saved me. You jumped in without hesitation and pulled me from under the water. You’ve given me back what I thought I’d lost, and a chance at a life I thought I’d never get to live.”

She nods, and for the first time tonight, I see her crack a smile. She winces and tilts her head to her shoulder, pressing her cheek against it. “You’ve done the same for me.”

I wrap my arms around her and pull her close. All the pain I’ve felt in my life suddenly disappears. None of it matters when I’m with Adeline. Hope inflates my chest, overwhelming me. The darkness is replaced with light, and while I felt I’d missed out on the most crucial moments in my life, I see the opportunity with Adeline now. I may only be thirty-three and witnessed my brothers living full lives by the same age, but I don’t feel left behind like I did before. I’m right where I’m supposed to be.

With my fingers under her chin, I tilt her face to mine and press my lips to her broken skin. She tentatively gives me a kiss, whimpering.

“You’ve given me a chance at life, too,” she whispers against my mouth. “Let’s start living it.”

TWENTY-SIX

It took seven days for me to resume my work on the garden box and another seven to step back into Micah’s bedroom. We both moved into the room I’d stayed in when I first came to live with Micah, keeping the door shut on his until we were ready.

I simply couldn’t face the evidence of what Maddox had done to our home and the space I’d shared with Micah. I didn’t assess the damage until after the police searched our house, and I’d returned from the hospital that night with bruised ribs and fifteen stitches on my right cheek to find broken furniture and picture frames scattered around the house. I’d stood in the doorway of Micah’s bedroom, unwilling to step inside, afraid I’d have to relive the physical and emotional trauma caused by my ex. Shattered glass was sprinkled across the floor in front of the broken mirror, with blood splattered amongst the shards. I couldn’t face it even after the cleaning crew came in and replaced everything.

But it’s been nearly a month since the incident with Maddox now, and I’ve never felt freer than I do.

I’m bent over the edge of the garden box, trimming a few of the flowers I planted the week after the terrible rainstorm that flooded the garden. I had to start from scratch and remove allthe seeds I’d planted before, but something about completely gutting it and starting anew sparks joy in my heart. Joy I almost lost the night Maddox tried to ruin my life.

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