Page 87 of Sweet Nothings

I leave my wife, and groggily head toward the nurses’ station. I rub my eyes with the heels of my hands, making sure to keep my head down, unwilling to look toward the room where I last saw my mother. An ache pulsates and thumps in my chest. Iguess even when I’m awake, I can’t escape my nightmare. Now Laurel’s living in my nightmare, too.

TWENTY-EIGHT

My body hurts and my eyes feel like they’re going to pop right out of their sockets, but I know the pain I feel right now is nothing to the pain I feel inside. Or the kind my sister is going through.

I leave Lennon in the emergency room hallway and quietly step into the room. I feel the absence of him immediately. It feels as if I’ve stepped out of a hot, sunny day and into a cold, blistering winter night. I wrap my arms around myself, allowing my fingers to graze over the silk black fabric of his suit jacket. The scent of him coming from it overpowers the sterile, unfeeling hospital smell.

Surprisingly, they didn’t put Roe in a room with one of those curtain dividers, with the potential of another patient being only feet away from her. The room is quiet aside from the beeping of the machine monitoring her heart rate. My eyes dance around the room, taking in all the machines. An IV is stuck in the back of Monroe’s hand, and a small, plastic clamp with a bright red light is pressed to the tip of her right index finger. She’s no longer wearing the red gown she wore to the party or the black wrap around her head. Her hair isn’t completely gone. Dark blonde strands feather across her forehead. Her hair is thin, and if Iclose my eyes, I can picture when it was full and layered with curls.

I stand beside her bed and reach over the railing, gently placing my hand over hers, feeling her warmth.

New tears spill over, and I suck in a breath. I’m so tired of crying. It feels like that’s all I’ve been doing tonight. Just when I think I don’t have any more left, another well fills inside me, overflowing.

“Laurel?” Roe turns her head against her pillow and cracks her eyes open. Her voice sounds weak, but I’m thankful for the bit of color that’s returned to her face since I saw her lying on the floor unconscious.

“Shh.” I gently squeeze her hand. “Everything is okay. I’m here.”

The corners of her mouth turn down into a frown, and her chin quivers. She looks at me watery eyed, and my heart breaks. She sobs and shakes her head, blinking her tears away.

“I’m so sorry,” she cries. “I’m sorry, I should have told you.”

“No.” I sniff. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“Yes, I do.” She nods slowly. “I should have told you. You deserved to know.”

I shake my head and look down, rubbing my hand over hers. I can’t imagine life without my sister. Ever since the day I was born on her second birthday, she’s been my best friend. Almost like twins born two years apart.

“I’m not angry with you,” I tell her. “Please don’t think I am. I just wish you would have told me. I could have been there for you, and you wouldn’t have had to do this all alone.” I try not to let the guilt eat away at me. I think back to the guilt Lennon told me he feels every day for the decision he made to let his mother go. I don’t want to let the feeling set in and overshadow being there for Roe.

I swallow hard, thinking back to what the doctor said in the hallway. “What happened with Steven?”

Pressing her mouth into a tight line, she turns her head and looks up at the ceiling. A nasal cannula is wrapped around her ears, feeding her oxygen. The sound of air blowing into her nose blends with the monitor beside her. Salty tears stream from the corners of her eyes as she blankly looks up at the ceiling.

“Steven left me months ago.” She rolls her head back to face me. “After we found out about my diagnosis, he decided he couldn’t handle it. I don’t know if it was money or the gravity of seeing his wife go through the suffering of cancer treatments, but he’d decided he couldn’t deal. I woke up one morning and he was just... gone.”

She looks back up at the ceiling, the story of the past year playing out in her mind. “I couldn’t wrap my mind around him leaving. I’d loved him since my second year of college. We bought a house together. And when I realized it wasn’t the cancer that ruined my dreams of a future with him, that it was him leaving me, I decided to let go. I didn’t want to be married to someone who didn’t love me with the same capacity as he did the day he married me.”

“Oh, Roe...” I trace my tongue across my lips, wrapping my head around what she’s telling me. I hate the thought of her dealing with this alone.

She turns herself on her side and reaches across to wrap my hand in both of hers. She runs her thumb over the diamond on my left finger. The one for Lennon.

“When you told me you were marrying Lennon, I almost convinced you not to. I wanted to tell you I’d stopped treatments and I no longer needed the money. But then I saw the glint of excitement flicker in your eyes as you stared up at the sign above the bridal shop. It was then I knew this wasn’t just a marriage of convenience for you or an arranged marriage for him. A partof your heart knew this was what you wanted. Your heart was in love with Lennon before it told your brain it was.”

I cry, wiping the back of my hand across my nose. I sniff and bite down on my bottom lip.

“You do love him, right?”

I don’t hesitate when I nod and look up at Roe. “I do.”

“Good.” She sighs, her eyes fluttering. “You deserve to be loved, Laurel.”

“But you do, too,” I tell her, my heart breaking at the thought of living in a world where she no longer exists or breathes.

“I’ve known what it feels like to be loved. Even before Steven. The beauty about love is that it takes many different forms, Laurel. I was first loved by Mom and Dad, and then you. I’ve known what true love feels like. Now you do, too.”

“I’ve been blessed to have been loved by our parents and by you,” I agree. “But I know what you mean. Loving Lennon is something that feels unexpected, but it isn’t. I think you’re right. My heart knew I loved him before I even knew it myself.”

“Of course I’m right.” She grins smugly, giving me a slice of her usual self.

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