Page 21 of Warrior's Walk

I can tell Brewer anything, but the truth is, meeting Rhett did something to me. It shook something loose inside my head and my heart about the kind of soldier and the kind of healer I wantto be. It just feels private, though, like something I’m not ready to share, even with my best friend.

“When I’m at BALLS, I feel like I’m finally making a difference. Being out in the field feels like filling a hole with water and watching the sand fill it back in. It’s futile. The Army docs and the VA just treat the symptoms, not the solution to the problem. That’s all we’re trained to do. When I was over there, that truth was never more glaringly obvious to me, and when I came home, everything I saw just reiterated the idea that I wasn’t really doing anything to make a dent in the problem. I want to be the solution. I’m tired of seeing soldiers get hooked on drugs to manage the pain instead of receiving the therapy they need. It would be so easy to help them if we could just offer them the right resources.”

Nobody understands that better than Brewer. He’s a recovering addict who never would have gotten hooked on drugs, if not for his old war injury. In the same vein, he’d fallen in love with Nash Sommers, another vet turned addict because of the war. Brewer ran the addiction support group here at BALLS, while I tried my damnedest to make a difference running the Bitches with Stitches, a trauma support group for veterans.

My gaze drifts over to the table where Dylan sits with his dad. Robert was a soldier serving his country proudly until he suffered an injury during training that they deemed his fault. He wasn’t eligible for disability benefits and became hooked on drugs to manage his pain, which earned him a dishonorable discharge and disqualified him from receiving veterans’ benefits. I’m proud to serve an organization like BALLS that doesn’t turn guys like him away.

Thanks to Brewer, Robert is getting the help he needs so that he and Dylan can live a better life.

“Sounds like you’ve got a solid plan worked out,” Brewer says. “Have you heard about the position you applied for yet?”

Weeks ago, a full-time position became available in the physical therapy department, and I put my hat into the ring immediately. “Should find out today.”

“You’ll get it,” he says confidently. “ThenIcan takeyouto lunch to celebrate.”

“Let me guess, you’re treating me to a hot lunch here in the BALLS cafeteria?”

Brewer laughs. “I’m a big spender, like you.”

Liza is changing my bandages,going over my wound care instructions for what feels like the fiftieth time when I hear heavy, booted feet coming down the hallway. They slow as they approach my door, and I snap my head up, feeling hopeful. To my everlasting disappointment, Tony ducks his head in my room and my face falls, which doesn’t go unnoticed by Liza.

“Just checking in to see if you’re all ready for discharge tomorrow,” Tony chirps.

“I guess so,” I say unenthusiastically.

“So, you’re going to continue with therapy?” he asks.

“That’s the plan.” I slide the BALLS brochure toward him.

Tony picks it up and scans the front cover. “I’ve heard good things about this place. I’m sure they’ll get you back on your feet again, pun intended,” he jokes with a laugh.

My face remains passive, and Liza nudges me. “Good one,” I add, humoring him.

“All right, then, Specialist Marsh. It’s been a pleasure, sir.” He holds his hand out to shake mine, and I follow through with the gesture. I may not be crazy about him, but he’s a good guy.

When he disappears through the door, and his bootsteps fade down the hall, I turn to Liza, who’s looking at me with a raised brow.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but he’s not here today or tomorrow.”

We both know whoheis. “You gonna make me ask where he is?”

A little smile plays around her lips like she loves lording the minuscule morsel of power over me. “On his days off, he heads up to Black Mountain.”

To BALLS. I close my eyes and breathe out a heavy sigh. That means I won’t see him again before I’m discharged.

Liza finishes wrapping up my leg and throws the empty packaging in the trash. Then she snaps off her gloves and chucks them in the trash, too. “Listen, I get it. Riggs is a likable guy. Honorable, charismatic, that face… but you’re walking down a dead-end street. First of all, he’s married to his job, and nothing comes before that. In fact, in the six years I’ve known him, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him date. He works seven days a week, between here and volunteering. If you feel like you have some special connection with him, it’s a testament to how good he is at his job. He tries to make all his patients feel that way.”

I refuse to open my eyes and show her how deeply her words wound my pride. We do have a special connection; I felt it from the first night. And as much as he tries to maintain his cool distance from me, I know Riggs feels it too. I felt it when he touched me and I saw it in his eyes. Some things you just can’t fake or hide.

“Come to think of it,” she continues, “I’m not even sure of his orientation.” She’s saying she’s not sure if he’s into men or women. Both maybe? Just like me. Even if he’s never admitted to anyone that he’s attracted to men, I know he’s attracted to me. I felt the spark between us.

Even still, I might be heading down a dead-end street, like she said. I’ve been hiding my sexuality for years because I felt it was a necessity, or maybe it was just easier. Who’s to say Riggs isn’t doing the same thing? Liza said he doesn’t date, but maybe that’s because he doesn’t want to admit who he’s attracted to.

In two weeks, I’ll no longer be a soldier in the United States Army, which means I don’t have to hide anymore. I still have no idea how to come out to my buddies after I’ve hidden myself away from them for so long, but to everyone else I meet from here on out, I can be myself. My true self. After reading Drake’s letters to Brian and seeing how much time they wasted by lying, I’ve made up my mind. I don’t ever want to be in that situation. I don’t want to be the guy who lives half a life because he doesn’t have the balls to face judgment from others. From the people he loves.

Fuck that.

Rhett Marsh is a bisexual man.

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