Page 10 of Say Uncle

“I didn’t say it wasn’t good enough.”

“You said it’s just all right. Look around, Mattie. It doesn’t get better than this.”

Nicky popped up again, telling Cass about some kind of fish he identified, and Sam waved to him, smiling. He never smiled at me like that unless he was laughing at me.

“Have you ever snorkeled before?”

“It doesn’t look difficult. I mean, if Nicky can do it, how hard can it be?”

“It’s not difficult once you get the hang of it. I could show you,” he offered. “There’s a really cool shipwreck out there. Who knows, might be something worth seeing.”

The only answer I gave him was a shrug of my shoulders. Yeah, I wanted to check it out. I didn’t even mind having Sam be my snorkel instructor, but I wasn’t going to make a fool of myself like Nicky was, and I’d rather swallow a sea urchin than be mistaken for agood boylike Nicky, just because I decided to play along for a couple of hours.

“Maybe you should stop sulking like a fucking toddler and grow a pair of balls. If you spend some time with him, maybe you’d see what makes him so special.”

“I’m good, thanks.”

“Suit yourself.” He pushed to his feet, adjusted his mask and snorkel, and dove into the crystal-clear water. His toned body sluiced effortlessly through the calm surf as he made his way toward Cass and Nicky.

The longer I sat and watched them having fun together, the more my chest burned. Acid reflux had been my constant companion lately. Whether I was filled with anxiety or irrationally angry, it would hit with a vengeance. But this time I realized it wasn’t either of those things I felt. It was jealousy, pure and simple.

Lately, I felt as if my struggle to fit in and feelnormaltook every ounce of my energy, and yet I stillfailed miserably. I just didn’t feel like I fit in anywhere, with anyone anymore, like I was wearing a skin suit that was two sizes too small. I just didn’t feel comfortable being me.

Yet Nicky made it look so easy. He was annoying and hyperactive and clingy and childish, but he was undeniably happy, and apparently loved by everyone. Certainly by Cass and Sam. What did he have that I didn’t? And why did I even fucking care?

Because you want to be loved and happy.

Fuck Nicky. Fuck Cass and Sam. Positioning the mask over my face, I popped the mouthpiece of the snorkel between my lips and dove into the water.

And came up choking and sputtering for breath. Just another thing Nicky made look easy that wasn’t!

Sam swam over to me, looking concerned. “You good?”

“Yeah,” I coughed, spitting out a mouthful of salty water.

“First, let’s start with your mask.” He plucked the foggy lens from my face, dipped it in the seawater, and then spit in it, using his hand to polish the lens. “That should do it.”

Sam repositioned it over my face and he was right—it didn’t fog up this time. “Thanks.”

“Now for the snorkel. It’s okay to go underwater with it, but you’ve got to give it a good hard blow toclear the water out before you take a breath, got it?”

“I’ll try.” I blew hard on the rubber, trying to clear the water from the tube before experimenting with breathing through it. I could still feel droplets of water entering my lungs, but it was bearable, and also very,veryloud. I sounded likeDarth Vaderwith my heavy breathing.

“Come on, follow me.” He kicked off, his flippers splashing water in my face.

We caught up with Cass and Nicky, who were stalking two sea turtles. He popped up again, grinning at me like a loon.

“Did you put on the reef-safe sunscreen I gave you?”

“Uh, no, I’m not wearing any.”

His eyes popped out of his head. “You’re gonna burn, Mattie!”

“It’s Matt, and I don’t burn easily. I’ve got olive skin.”

“Don’t worry, I have aloe vera gel on the boat. I’ll rub you down later.” Then he drove back under the water in search of turtles.

Like I’d let that do-gooder brown-noser put his hands on me. The only thing more annoying than Nicky was the way Sam was grinning at me, like he knew exactly how annoyed I was.

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