Page 42 of Endless Love

TWENTY-TWO

Ryan

The next week went by quickly. After fucking Willow at her grandmother’s house, I couldn’t get enough of her. It wasn’t easy. In fact, it was next to impossible. One time we snuck into the women’s room of her father’s deli and while a customer banged on the locked door, I did some other form of banging against the door. The woman, who was with a young child, gave us a dirty look as we giddily clambered out of the small, cramped room. We tried to have a tryst at a local hotel—in fact, any hotel, but every room in the city was sold out because it was Fashion Week. We both skirted the issue of sleeping together—that is, in her bed or mine. On Thursday, I discussed my progress with Dr. Goodman, who was pleased but concerned that Willow staying over at my place was still off limits. Once again he urged us to seek couples therapy and told me that sooner or later I would have to get over my inability to share my bed with another woman, let alone let one stay over. He was convinced this hang up was connected to my writer’s block. Since Allee’s death, I hadn’t written anything new. Not a single word.

Dr. Goodman’s words gnawed at me all day. I just wasn’t sure if I could make it to the next step. Though I loved Willow, sharing my bed with her was something I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Fortunately, she wasn’t pushing me and seemed content with the arrangement we had. Which was a lot of stolen kisses and a few more encounters in the restroom of her father’s deli. Maybe I should look into renting a fuck pad, some small furnished apartment with a bed that had no meaning to me. No emotional attachment. Dammit. I wished I could have drinks with my love guru Duffy, but he’d left for California. His wedding, which I was attending, was next weekend. Man, it was hard to believe it was just around the corner. Time had gone by so quickly, perhaps because I now had Willow in my life.

On Friday, I had little time to dwell on my predicament. My four-year-old niece was coming in the late morning to stay for the weekend. I hadn’t done shit to get things together and I had to admit I was freaking out. This was the first time the little girl was sleeping over and I wasn’t even sure where she was sleeping. My loft technically only had one bedroom—mine—and it wasn’t what I’d call kid-friendly. Thank God for Willow. She came up with the perfect solution. Her childhood sleeping bag—a plush pink and white satin-quilted bag, which was shaped like a ballet slipper and came with a matching pillow. I gave her a hug when she brought it over. Violet was going to love it, and I could place it on the area rug in my room.

Willow insisted on accompanying me to the nearby Whole Foods on Seventh Avenue to stock up on food for my niece. Of course, my obsessive-compulsive sister had sent me a list of everything my niece required. It might have been the longest email I ever received. What was with this kid—organic almond milk, flax seed muffins, and kale for making smoothies and fresh veggie chips? And that was just for starters; attached were recipes. Was my sister out of her fucking mind? She knew damn well I didn’t cook. In fact, I almost burned down my parents’ kitchen when I was eleven trying to make pizza. I showed the list to Willow and shared my childhood cooking fiasco. She burst into laughter and continued to laugh as I showed her the second attachment: a minute by minute breakdown of Violet’s activities from the minute she woke up to the time she went beddy-bye. Holy Jesus. I was never going to survive this weekend. Nonplussed Willow told me not to worry as we drove to Whole Foods. Leaving the posh supermarket with three bags worth of stuff, we made another stop at the Gristedes around the corner and left with a bag of groceries that weren’t on the list. Then, on the way home, we made a final stop at her dad’s deli.

Stocking my kitchen cabinets and fridge with Willow’s help, I was getting more and more anxious by the second. My sister Mimi and her spouse, Beth, would be here any minute with Violet. Over the years, I’d seen them numerous times, both here in New York and Boston, where they lived. They’d both been so supportive, especially in the months following Allee’s death. I was beholden. So, when I found out that the two workaholics were flying to the Caribbean for a long weekend to celebrate their tenth anniversary, I offered to take care of Violet at my place while they were away. Now, I was having second thoughts. While I adored my niece and was also her godfather, I had no idea how to take care of a little girl. Fuck. What was I thinking? My stomach knotted, I scurried through my loft making sure everything was childproof while Willow remained behind in the kitchen preparing lunch. This was the first time Mimi would be meeting Willow…the first woman in my life since Allee…and this also made me nervous as shit. My brilliant sister-the-lawyer was very judgmental, and I worried if she would like Willow…even a fraction of how much she adored Allee. Allee, indeed, was a hard act to follow.

Then, suddenly out of nowhere, Allee appeared…sitting cross-legged on the couch.

“Relax, Madewell, you’ve got this.”

“Allee!” I gasped. “I’m freaking out. I don’t know the first thing about kids.”

She laughed. “Madewell, you’ll do just fine. I always thought you’d make an awesome father.”

A sudden cloud of sadness fell upon me. The memory of that fateful day in Paris drifted into my head. That moment I learned about her frozen eggs, harvested in college before receiving her first cancer treatments. The eggs that I’d fertilized and were still waiting for a surrogate to bear them. Since becoming involved with Willow, I hadn’t thought about them. Guilt mixed with the sorrow. Remorse.

Allee smiled at me. It was a wistful smile. A smile that gutted me.

“I know what you did, my Superman.”

“You do?”

She nodded. “One day, you will be a fine father, Ryan Madewell.” She emphasized the word “will.” Then, her smile brightened and she shot me her signature eye roll. “And stop worrying about what your sister will think about Willow. She’s gonna love her.”

The intercom sounded, and with that, she disappeared.

My emotions in a jumble, I ran to answer it.

“Uncle Ryan, we’re here!!” a sweet raspy voice shouted. Violet. My spirits instantly lifted. I was excited to see her as well as Mimi and Beth. I hit the intercom button and let them in.

A few minutes later, my adorable niece was in my arms while her moms set down her small suitcase and a doll. She rubbed my face.

“Uncle Ryan, you grew a beard!”

I laughed. God, she could even make me laugh in all the dark times. “Do you like it?”

She rubbed it again with her little hand and then scrunched up her face. “It’s very scratchy. I liked you better before without it.”

Frowning, I faked a sad face. “Does that mean you don’t love me anymore?”

“Of course not, silly!! You’re my bestest uncle.” She gave me a delicious hug, kissing my thick stubble. “Eeww!”

While I chuckled, my sister chided her. “Violet, that’s not nice. Tell Uncle Ryan you’re sorry.”

My stubborn niece hedged and hawed. She reminded me in ways of my bullheaded Allee. “Hey, don’t worry about it, kiddo.” I affectionately tugged at one of her long braids. “Beards are an acquired taste.”

“They taste yucky, Uncle Ryan.”

I chortled at her literal interpretation. She’d likely tasted my cologne or the remnants of the soap I used to wash my face. Then behind me, I heard footsteps and a familiar voice. With Violet still in my arms, I spun around. It was Willow, holding a tray with food and beverages.

“Hi, everyone. I hope you’re staying for lunch. I’ve made some sandwiches and hot dogs.”

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