Page 15 of Endless Love

SEVEN

Ryan

Iwas fucking lucky Dr. Goodman had a last minute cancellation at 11:00 a.m. on Monday. I usually met with him on Thursday, but I couldn’t wait that long. Stretched out on his couch, I felt like I was suffering from some kind of flu. My head was pounding and my stomach churning. Earlier, I’d even thrown up. That’s how fucked up I was.

“So, Ryan, tell me what’s going on,” began Dr. Goodman.

“That girl I told you about…”

“Yes…”

I hesitated and then the words tumbled out. “I kissed her.” I fidgeted with my ring. “And I more than enjoyed it.”

“This is certainly no emergency. What’s wrong with that?”

“Everything. I belong to Allee.”

Dr. Goodman stroked his salt and pepper beard. “Allee is gone, Ryan. It’s been almost five years.”

“Only four and a half,” I corrected. “I fantasize about her every night.”

“That’s not uncommon. What do you fantasize about?”

“That she’s still in my life. That things are like they used to be. She’s always waiting for me when I come home.” I paused. “Last night, after the kiss, I came home and I saw her. I told her about the other girl. What I did. I swear, she was happy for me. I don’t get it.”

Dr. Goodman adjusted his horn-rimmed glasses. “Ryan, Allee only exists in your subconscious. Last night, your subconscious was telling you that it wants you to let go of Allee. That it’s okay.”

I went on and told him about my dream.

“That’s a very interesting dream, Ryan. What do you think it means?”

“That I’m fucked up.”

Dr. Goodman chortled. “You’re not as fucked up as you think, Ryan. What this tells me is that two women can co-exist in your life. That you’re ready for a new relationship.”

I processed what the Doc just said. Was I really ready to move on?

Dr. Goodman cut my mental ramblings short. “Ryan, you like this new woman, right?”

I nodded. I had to admit that there were many things I liked about Willow even though I didn’t know much about her. She seemed smart, funny, and I found her attractive… make that sexy as sin.

“This is excellent. You have feelings toward her.”

Okay, so he forced me to admit I had some feelings about her…something I’d not had toward a woman—or just about anything—in a long while.

“So, Doc, what should I do?”

“Get to know her better.”

“O…kay.” That I could do. “Then what?”

“Sleep with her.”

Sleep. With. Her.The three words spun around in my head, colliding into each other like bumper cars. We may have fucked in my dream, but the reality of having her in my bed—the bed I’d shared with Allee—stabbed me in the heart. It was unfathomable.

“That’s not possible.”

“Why not?”

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