Page 282 of Naughty Nelle

What’s wrong with me?I just had the opportunity to kill the woman who’s made my life so miserable and is marrying the man I love. But I didn’t.

Marcella’s expression turns to rage. “Get the dress on me. Now!”

My eyes travel up and down her distorted body. It’s time for a new plan of attack. I tell her to step out of the gown that lies crumpled at her feet.

“Now what?” she snaps.

I detach the long red satin train and lay it lengthwise on her bed. Then carefully, I slip the gown over Marcella’s head and gently pull it down.

“You’re going to ruin my hair and makeup!” she shrieks.

Truthfully, I’m much more concerned that her over-the-top makeup will ruin Armando’s work of art. I pass the first hurdle—getting the gown past her cannonballs. Very carefully, I edge it over her balloon of a belly. Success again. And then, the final challenge—getting it past her fat ass. Slowly, with little tugs, I manage to lower the gown to her feet. The feeling of victory eludes me as I reattach the twenty-foot train.

Shoving me aside, she struts up to her vanity and admires herself in the mirror, oblivious to her rolls and bulges.

“Perfection!” She blows a kiss at her reflection. “Gallant will love it.”

The mention of Gallant’s name makes my heart ache. I fight back tears. Why didn’t I pull those strings until she dropped? Why?

“Jane, I need my shoes!”

I should have killed her.

Reluctantly, I search her room-size closet. There must be over three hundred boxes of shoes, stacked helter-skelter plus another two hundred pairs scattered all over the floor. Thank goodness for Elz’s innovative glass coffin shoeboxes. I spot the ruby slippers right way.

Marcella snatches the shoes from me as I step out of the closet. She cuddles them, then tosses them onto the floor. I enjoy every grunt and groan as she tries to squeeze her big feet into the dainty shoes. No luck. She tries stretching them to make the fit. No luck.

“Jane!” she yells. “My feet are swollen. Why didn’t you get me a foot massage?”

Ha! She’ll never get her Size 9 feet into the Size 6 shoes.

“Don’t just stand there! Get me a bucket with hot water so I can soak my feet!”

Biting my lip to keep from laughing, I scurry to her powder room.

When I return with a bucket of water, Her Royal Skankiness is glued to her bed, massaging her red, swollen feet. I set the bucket on the rug. She plunks her feet inside.

“AAAAGH! This water’s scalding hot.” She yanks her feet out of the bucket.

I deserve a big laugh after all I’ve been through today, but I refrain.

“Quick! Get me my Miracle Foot Potion,” she shouts. “It’s in the medicine cabinet.”

I hurry back to the powder room. I search the cabinet above her sink but only find makeup. About to leave empty-handed, I notice that the large cabinet against the wall, which is usually locked, is ajar. Could her Miracle Foot Potion be inside?

Whoa! This is no ordinary medicine cabinet. It’s practically a factory of potions, lotions, and herbs. Crammed with my bogus Lose Pounds Fast diet potion is a slew of other magical potions. To name just a few:

Forever Young Youth Potion: Knock years off your age. Use daily for best results.

I shake the bottle. There’s nothing left.

B-Cup No More Potion: Rub gently on breasts and watch them grow before your eyes. CAUTION: DO NOT OVERUSE.

Obviously, the skank didn’t read the warning.

Smooth and Silky Skin Potion: Apply liberally all over. Gets rid of dry scaly skin. Important! Use frequently to prevent scaly build up and recurrence.

Go-Blond and Beautiful Hair Potion: Covers unsightly gray and leaves hair manageable. Blondes have more fun!

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