Page 280 of Naughty Nelle

“You, very stressed out.” She rubs some warm, soothing oil on my back. “I give you Urma’s enchanted deep tissue massage.”

With her eight powerful hands, she begins to knead my body like dough. Angst oozes out of me. I’m beginning to feel relaxed and wonderful. I only hope she doesn’t imagine her worst enemy and press too hard. Too late! I yelp as she pounds the base of my spine. Surprisingly, she releases a lot of tension.

Halfway into the massage, she scatters hot crystals on my back. “Sea salt,” she says.

The crystals must be magic because all my problems miraculously melt away. I feel like a new person.

“I throw een aromatherapy for you.” She dabs some warm oil under my nose. “Take deep breath and relax.”

I inhale. The aroma of the oil rushes into my nostrils and jolts me upright. It’s a blend of lilies and roses. The essence of Snow White! My anxieties charge back into my body like an onslaught of flaming arrows.

Urma tells me I look faint; she says many of her clients get lightheaded after her deep tissue massages. “You need restorative mineral bath—hydrotherapy.”

Wrapping her eight strapping arms around me, she practically carries me to my next stop—a tropical lagoon. A dozen gorgeous twenty-something women are soaking in the hot, bubbly water—probably all rich, spoiled princesses wanting to be the fairest at the ball. One of them is a pretty redheaded mermaid who waves at Urma, then at me. I ignore her.

Holding onto Urma to steady myself, I glide into the bubbling bath. AAAHH! The warm, soothing water unlocks every muscle in my body. I feel wonderful again.

Closing my eyes, I let the therapeutic water wash away all my worries. At last, there’s no more Gallant, no more Marcella, and no more Snow White living in my head. I’m in a state of total nirvana.

A cheery voice snaps me out of my mindlessness.

“Hello,” says a spa fairy, carrying a gilt tray. “Can I offer you a refreshing apple?

A refreshing apple!?I almost vomit. The last thing I want to eat is an apple! Forget massage therapy, aromatherapy, or hydrotherapy. I need real therapy. I need Shrink! Help! Get me out of this place!

But I can’t leave. I’m a prisoner. Two portly one-eyed ogres yank me out of the water and drag me to the sauna. One of them pours water over the hot rocks. The other adds a drop of eucalyptus, a scent I recognize from Faraway’s Enchanted Forest. An invigorating steam fills the chamber.

Sitting on a cedar bench, I inhale deeply. On the exhale, I once again feel tension release from every part of my body. A woman, wearing a white towel, matching turban, and blue facial mask, sidles over to me. The steam clouds my vision, but I can tell she could stand to drop a few pounds. Or more.

Plopping down next to me, she says, “I bet you’re going to the ball tonight.”

That voice! I recognize it instantly. Oh no, no, no, no, no! It’s Marcella! What is she doing here? Then I remember. When we went shopping, I arranged a spa day for her—on the afternoon of the ball—just like she requested on her To-Do List.

In a panic, I bury my head between my sweaty knees so she doesn’t recognize me.

“It’s going to be divine. I planned the whole thing myself,” she continues.

You planned it? You didn’t do a damn thing, you lazy cow.

“What are you wearing?” she asks.

“Something plain and simple,” I mumble, masking my voice. “I’m actually a reporter covering the event for the Fairytale Tattler. What made me say that?

“Perfection! Emperor Armando custom-designed my gown. You’re going to die when you see it.”

I have seen it. And you’re not going to be able to get your fat ass into it!

“Well, since you’re a reporter for the Tattler, I might as well give you the scoop since my waste-of-time assistant didn’t.”

Her waste-of-time assistant!?I want to drown her in her sweat.

“Tonight, Prince Gallant’s going to make a very important announcement.”

A very important announcement.The exact words spoken earlier by The Queen of Hearts.

“He’s going to say ‘I do’ in front of the entire kingdom. Well, at least, everyone who’s anything. We’re getting married!”

They’re getting married?Her words hit me like a firing squad. I’m going to black out.

“You’re hyper­vent­ilat­ing,” says Marcella. “You’ve probably been in here too long.”

Way too long. I can’t cope with this. Any of it! I’ve got to get out of here. Now!

Dripping with sweat, I spring to my feet and sprint out of the sauna. Marcella’s shrill voice trails behind me. “See you at the wedding.”

The spa was a bad idea. A really, really bad idea.

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