Page 219 of Naughty Nelle

“You wanted her out of your life.”

I say nothing.

“Just like how your mother wanted you out of her life.”

“No! It’s not like that!” I shout back.

“I don’t understand, Jane. Explain to me what you mean.”

“I thought that if I could starve or work her to death, The King would finally love me.”

“In other words, Jane, you were still searching for love. Desperate for it, in fact.”

I’m so confused. How did this suddenly get back to love?

“What happened to The King?” asks Shrink.

“He died in battle.”

“How did you feel?”

“On one hand, I was glad he was dead because he didn’t love me. On the other, I regretted I never had the chance to make him love me.”

“How did Snow White react?”

“She cried a lot. She missed her father terribly.”

“How did that make you feel, Jane?”

“It made me hate her more.” More than anyone or anything.

“Why, Jane? The King was dead. It no longer mattered.”

“She wrecked my life!”

Like how you thought you wrecked your mothers?”

Shrink’s question brings on another round of tears. I’m unbearably sad and perplexed. What if I’d never slept with The King? What if he had married my mother instead of me? What if I had never talked to my mirror? The what-ifs pile up like dirt, burying me alive. Would things have turned out a lot differently?

Shrink’s voice cuts through the madness. “Jane, listen, to me. You didn’t wreck your mother’s life. She wrecked it herself.”

“I just wanted her to love me!” I cry out, from somewhere deep inside my soul.

“Your mother was sick. She was incapable of loving you.”

Shrink’s words swirl around in my head. They do little to console me. No matter what I did, I could never own a place in my mother’s heart. My chest heaves in pain as I cry uncontrollably.

Shrink gently brushes away my tears. “Jane, you have to move beyond your past and come face-to-face with the person you’ve become. But not in a mirror.”

The chime sounds. My sobs drown it out.

“Time’s up, Jane. I’ll see you here tomorrow.” Like a flash of light, Shrink disappears.

Unable to move, I realize my vanity had blinded me. It wasn’t Snow White’s beauty I envied. It was her knowledge. She knew what love was.

I’m practically a zombie as I do lunch set-up with Winnie. She, in contrast, is like a wind-up toy.

“Jane, I won’t be in group today,” she says cheerfully.

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