Page 189 of Naughty Nelle

CHAPTER 9

When I awaken in the morning, Elz is bawling. I don’t get it. Last night, she was deliriously in love; now; she’s deliriously in tears. I make a mental note: Reminder! My roomie is a loony. Proceed with caution.

“What’s the matter?” I ask.

“I’m so ugly,” she whimpers.

“No, you’re not.” Who am I kidding? She’s as ugly as sin.

“Yes, I am!” she insists. “In Lalaland, everyone called me Cinderella’s ugly stepsister. Hook will never fall for me.”

She’s right. What she needs is an extreme makeover.

I may be a master of disguise, but I’m not a makeover magician. Still, I’ve got to give it a shot. The poor girl is desperate.

Using every trick I know, I style her limp hair, make her bite down on her thin lips to give them a little color, and pluck a few of her unsightly chin hairs. One final touch—I tell her to lose the hair bow.

“How do I look?” she asks.

For once, I’m glad there are no mirrors at Faraway. She definitely looks more attractive. But you can only go so far with what you have. Okay. Let me put it this way: I haven’t exactly transformed her into a Rehab Goddess.

“I don’t feel beautiful,” she mopes.

“Elz, that’s exactly your problem,” says Winnie, who has stopped by on her way to breakfast. “Beauty is an attitude.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Men are attracted to women who think they’re beautiful.”

What does this two hundred-pound bruiser of a woman know about beauty that I don’t?

“And besides, there are other attributes far more important than mere physical beauty for attracting a man,” she continues.

Now, she’s really got me curious. Elz is also all ears.

“It’s simple. Be confident. Be playful. Be interested. Men are fascinated by women who find them fascinating.”

What is she—some kind of seduction genie?

“Winnie, how do you know all this sh…stuff?” I ask with a tone of distrust.

“I landed a husband,” she says before forlornness edges out the pride on her face. “You know, I was thin once.”

At breakfast, Elz flutters around The Enchanted Garden, singing her “lalalas” louder than ever.

“Careful,” I overhear Winnie whisper to her. “Let him know you exist, but don’t be too obvious.”

To my amazement, Winnie’s words of wisdom work like a charm. Hook strides up to Elz and checks out her pillar-like body. Even in flats, she’s several inches taller than him.

“Elzmerelda, you’re looking particularly lovely today,” he says, flashing his pearly white teeth.

“Really?” She sounds more disbelieving than flattered.

He sneaks a wink at me. Asswipe! Fortunately, Elz is too enraptured to notice. I just don’t get what she sees in this pompous asshole.

“Puh-lease!” comes a sarcastic voice nearby. It’s Sasperilla. She moseys over to us.

“Captain, why are you wasting your time with her? Smiling coyly, she bats her eyelashes. “Everyone says I’m the pretty one.”

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