Page 182 of Naughty Nelle

Flossie leads us through a series of movements she calls “sun salutations.” They’re a bunch of weird poses that require a lot of flexibility. I can’t believe how flexible the Badass Fairy is. Fluidly moving from one pose to the next, she’s like a dancer.

Following along, I glance at the others. Elzmerelda is as graceful as a gazelle. Even maimed What’s-His-Name and super-plus size Winifred move with ease. Distracted, Sasperilla shoots me a what-are-you-staring-at look. Right back at you, bitch. She loses her balance and falls. She grimaces; I smile. Wickedly.

I focus my attention back on Fanta. She chants, “Om ravaye namah.”

Gulp! She’s casting a spell on us! She’s going to turn us all into frogs!

“Let it all go,” she says. “And say OMmmmm.”

Reluctantly, I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and prepare for the worse. When I open them, I’m surprised. I’m not some ugly ribitting frog princess. Oddly, I’m at peace with myself.

So relaxed, I’m not looking forward to my second session with Shrink, especially after all the insults she threw in my face yesterday. The nerve of her! She’ll be sorry if she pulls that stuff on me today. I’ll have her on her knees, begging for forgiveness. Then I’ll stomp on her and turn her into pixie juice.

“Hello, Jane,” says Shrink in her no-nonsense voice as she flies into her office.

Lying on the velvet chaise, I tilt my head up slightly and gaze at her with disdain.

“Jane is an interesting name,” she begins. “It rhymes with both ‘plain’ and ‘vain.’ Which one are you—a plain Jane or a vain Jane?”

Plain Jane.The two words send a chill down my spine. It’s been so long since I’ve heard them, yet I can still hear my mother’s deprecating voice as if it were only yesterday. “You waste of human space. You’re nothing but a plain Jane.”

“Well, Jane, which one are you?” Shrink’s words hurl me back to the moment.

“I’m not answering that question.”

“Well, then I’ll answer it for you. You’re a vain Jane. That’s why your best friend was a mirror.”

How does she know that my best friend was a mirror? Of course, she read my “admissions form.” Some enrollment application! It was just a bunch of trick questions to reveal my secrets. Sasperilla was right; they’re all spies around this place.

“What did you use to ask your mirror?”

“None of your business.”

“Jane, that’s not what you used to say to your mirror. Now, tell me, what you really asked it.”

“Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest one of all?” I blurt out, unable to control myself.

“And why did you ask your mirror this question?”

“Because it told me I was the fairest.”

“And why did you need to hear this?”

“B-because…” I squirm.

“Because you needed instant gratification,” steps in Shrink. “Instant gratification is a fundamental part of an addict’s personality.”

“I am not an addict!” I shout, straightening up.

“And what happened when your mirror told you someone else was the fairest one of all?”

“I tried to kill her!” Wait! Why am I telling her all these things? What’s wrong with me?

“Yes, your addiction to beauty drove you to evil.”

“Stop it!” I grip the arms of the chaise. “You think you know everything about me, but you don’t!”

“Jane, you are here because you have a problem. And I am here to help you overcome your problem.”

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