Page 170 of Naughty Nelle

CHAPTER 5

Why the hell are we outside? More bloody sunshine! I’ve got a splitting headache and feel jittery all over. I need a cup of coffee. Desperately.

“This is our Enchanted Garden,” beams Elzmerelda. “We grow our own vegetables, fruits, and grains.”

It’s all one big green blur to me. I’m getting edgier and edgier. A rabbit scampers by me. I want to crush it. Turn it into rabbit stew. Seriously, if don’t get my daily dose of caffeine soon, I am going to cause some major damage.

“Get me my coffee!” I order.

A single, simple cup of black coffee. What’s so difficult about that? Even in that decrepit dungeon, I always got my morning coffee.

“Oh, we don’t drink coffee at Faraway,” she says in that sickening singsong voice. “We only drink herbal tea. It’s part of the healing process.”

My life is over. I’m never going to make it out of here without my coffee.

“Here’s a basket.” The loony hands me the extra one she’s holding. She’s so relentlessly cheery a fire-breathing dragon couldn’t melt her smiley façade.

I’ve had it. Coffee or no coffee. I’ve got to get out of here. My eyes search in every direction for an exit until Miss Cheerful and Deranged yanks me toward a patch of berries.

“What kind of tea do you like?” she asks. “My favorite’s chamomile.”

Mine is anything that will shut her up. Permanently.

“Lalalala!” sings a stout, silver-haired woman in a red frock and bonnet, waving a wand. When she turns her back, I catch sight of a pair of wings and a butt as big as a warthog’s.

“People, let me hear you sing it louder!” shouts another big butt woman in an identical green getup. I recognize her immediately. She’s that rude fairy spa-mother I met yesterday.

“Bring it on!” cheers a third wand-waving, winged woman in blue who could easily be the shorter, roly-poly sister of the first two.

How can they be so energetic so early in the morning? I bet they get coffee!

Singing their “lalalalas” in perfect harmony, the trio is supervising a pathetic group of losers who are picking berries and attempting to sing along. There’s a troll with glazed eyes and a pronounced limp, a woman about my age but triple my size, and the scary-skinny chick I saw mopping floors yesterday. She bears a strong resemblance to my new “roomie,” except she’s anything but cheerful. Who are all these freaks?

“This is the way we start our day,” Elzmerelda tells me. “The Good Fairies believe singing brings out the best in people.”

Is she kidding? It’s bringing out the worst in me. This “lala” stuff is driving me crazy. I know. It’s a conspiracy to prove I really do belong in this nuthouse.

“And they believe a rustic diet will restore our souls.” Doesn’t she ever shut up? I want to rip her tongue out. “We only eat things made from fresh fruits, veggies, grains, and eggs we gather ourselves.”

Peasant diet is more like it. What happened to the “you will eat like royalty” promise? Another lie. I am going to sue!

Elzmerelda frolics over to the others, leaving me alone. Brainstorm! While no one’s watching, I’ll run away and escape. The front gate can’t be too far off. Ha! By the time they notice I’m missing, I’ll be long gone.

So long, losers.I’ve hardly taken five steps when the three Badass Fairies touchdown in front of me and grab me forcefully by my arms. I try to wrestle myself free but am no match for their astounding strength. They’re like a pack of winged behemoths.

“Hello, I’m Fanta,” says the one in green.

“I’m Flossie,” says the one in red.

“And I’m Fairweather,” says the one in blue. “And you must be our new resident, Jane Yvel.”

My real name. I haven’t used it in years. At that dungeon, everyone called me The Evil Queen. Everyone!

“Welcome to Faraway!” they say together.

“Come join us for breakfast,” says Flossie as they haul me back to the berry patch. “We’ve baked some fresh muffins.”

All I want to do is tear off a pair of their wings and blow out of here.

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