Page 166 of Naughty Nelle

CHAPTER 3

I’m back in that mirrorless dungeon. It’s the kind in the middle of nowhere you can never escape even if you think you can. I’m devoid of all worldly contact, except for a lowly guard. A dim-witted green ogre who brings me meals. Lousy meals I barely touch. Trust me, I’d rather eat green curds and whey.

Every day, I beg him to go to my castle to fetch my magic mirror. I want to know what I look like. Where I stand. I’ve even promised him a royal position if does me this one itsy bitsy favor. He can be my new Huntsman. No deal.

Seven years. That’s how long I’ve been here. The only way I know is by the monthly magazines the guard brings me. His wife works at some beauty center and gets all these style and beauty magazines free. Palace Digest, Princess, Royal Style to name a few. Rather than throwing them out when she’s done with them, her husband, the ogre, passes them on to me.

The magazines have helped me pass the time away. Even better, they’ve kept me up on the latest beauty trends. If I ever get out of this hellhole, I know what I have to do. Go to a spa! That’s what all the fairy-tale princesses are doing these days. I grit my teeth every time I think about Snow White living the spa-life—happily ever after—while I’m rotting away in this cell.

Yes, spa treatments! With a few deep-cleansing facials, body scrubs, and massages—okay, and a little makeup—I’ll knock Snow White right off her pedestal. And I’ll show my stupid-ass looking glass—in fact, any crappy looking glass—who’s Fairest of All.

While I’m reading about the anti-aging benefits of bulbadox juice (I could kick myself for wasting it on that evil potion) in my latest Princess magazine, a jingling sound distracts me. I look up. It’s the ogre, and he’s dangling a large metal key.

“You’re getting out of here.”

Did I hear that right?

“Read this.” He holds up a brochure with an illustration of a castle on the cover.

Tossing my magazine, I wrench it away from him through the rusty iron bars. I start reading.

WELCOME TO FARAWAY

FARAWAY is a unique treatment center that will give you the tools to find your inner princess. It’s a magical place where recovery and self-discovery happen every day. Guests reside in a magnificent castle where they can chill out and relax. Our tranquil center also features an enchanted forest, lush gardens, and a lovely hillside view.

We offer a personalized therapy program, developed by our renowned staff to meet your individual needs. Our unique program offers a variety of proven clinical methods, including one-on-one therapy and supportive group sessions. As part of our multi-faceted program, we offer hiking, Arts and Crafts, nutrition, yoga, and fine dining. You will eat like royalty.

Once we feel you are ready, you will re-enter the enchanted world of fairy tales and participate in our apprenticeship program. Each assignment is customized to meet your special needs and skills. When it is completed to our satisfaction, you will be able to resume your fairy-tale life.

We, at Faraway, provide a comprehensive mind-body experience that treats the needs of the whole person. No wonder our graduates report that their lives are better and more fulfilling in every possible way. You’ll look and feel more beautiful, inside and out. Get ready to live happily ever after!

You’ll look and feel more beautiful. I read the words over and over as the guard unlocks my cell door. I can’t believe it! I’m being sent to a spa! I’m being given a second chance to reclaim what is rightfully mine—my crown and my title, Fairest of All.

From a distance, Faraway promises to be everything the leaflet said it would be. Perched high on a hill, the castle looks quite luxurious. It’s even surrounded by a high stonewall and a moat. There’s nothing like privacy.

The coach crosses the drawbridge. As it follows the yellow brick road toward the guardhouse, my heartbeat accelerates. I can hardly wait for my first spa treatment. And, at last, to look at myself in a mirror.

The guard, a friendly giant named Gulliver, unlocks the massive iron gate and lets us in. The driver pulls up to the castle where a plump fairy godmother-type in a green uniform with wings is waving. Of course, she must be a spa attendant. Clever! A fairy spa-mother.

“Welcome to Faraway!” she says in one of those bubbly voices I so hate. “We’ve been expecting you, dearie.”

Dearie?Is she kidding? Doesn’t she mean “My Queen”? Or “Your Majesty” or “Your Highness”? I’d even settle for “Queenie.”

Before I can set her straight, she whisks me inside the castle.

Inside, Faraway doesn’t quite measure up to what I expected. The “grand entrance” is not so grand. The walls are painted dingy yellow, and in some places, there are signs of chipping. The shabby furnishings, for sure, are from some junk store. Nowhere is there evidence of the lush lounging areas I’ve read about in those beauty magazines. Perhaps, the place is about to undergo major renovations. It seriously does need an extreme makeover.

“Here, fill this out.” The fairy spa-mother hands me a sheet of parchment and a quill.

“Please answer all the questions below,” it states on top. Of course, the admissions form.

1.   What are your goals here at Faraway?

To get beautiful, then split.

2.   Do you have any hobbies and talents?

Disguises. Also, making evil potions.

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