Page 61 of Snow Going Back

Kate rubbed her forehead, her nerves still scattered and skittish from the panic attack she was still only just holding at bay. She was exhausted, physicallyandmentally, and she knew that probably had a lot to do with her particularly emotional reaction, but knowing that didn’t make her feel any better. She felt Lance’s hand move across her back.

‘I’m sorry,’ he said in a gentler tone. ‘I should have spoken to you about it – you’re right. I was just missing you, and I guess I just got carried away with the idea.’

Kate leaned into his arm, burying her head in his shirt. ‘It’s OK,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry I flipped out on you like that. Admittedly, that wasn’t the best reaction. I’m just tired and stressed right now.’

Lance kissed the top of her head. ‘I know. Not long now though, right? You’ll be done soon, and you can settle back properly. Maybe take some time off, if you can. I think you need it.’ There was a short silence. ‘Kate?’

‘Yeah, maybe,’ she managed to reply.

But as the panic reared up again, like a wild horse fighting against the reins she gripped in her blistered mental hands, Kate knew it wasn’t just the house. This panic attack wasn’t going to calmly melt away because it was aboutallof it. The wedding, the future, the responsibility she had to everyone around her, the loss of control over her life,everything. It was all suddenly far too real, and she had no idea what to do about it. Whatcouldshe do about it? It was too late. There was no way out of this whirlwind she’d slipped into. Not without blowing up her entire life and everyone in it. Not without destroying Lance and her mother and even Amy, with all that the four of them did together.

A tear escaped her eye, and Kate quickly rubbed it away before it rolled onto Lance’s pristine white shirt. The wedding was booked – it waspaidfor. Everyone had been invited; everybody they knew was watching them and counting down the days. This was it, she realised. She had no choice but to keep calm and carry on, like the good old British war slogan. And there had to be something in that, she reasoned hopefully. If it had pulled a whole country through a war, surely it could see her through this. Ithadto.

Because in three weeks she was getting married, and after that they would buy a family home and work out a timescale for children. That was the plan, it seemed. The wheels were fully in motion and the train was now steaming towards the platform.

Kate’s mind reeled as she just about held on to the reins. In just over three weeks, she would walk down the aisle. And there was no way out.

THIRTY-TWO

4 August 1955

It finally happened. W asked me to marry him. The sad part is that the proposal was the sweetest proposal there could ever have been. He took me out on a boat to the little island in the middle of the lake for the afternoon. We took sandwiches and lemonade, and the weather was truly beautiful. We’d had a lovely time, talking and laughing together, but then he got down on one knee and everything changed. He talked of my beauty and grace, and about how my smile lights up his day. He declared that he wants to take care of me, make me happy every day for the rest of my days. Then he told me, in that quiet way of his, that he knows I don’t love him the way he loves me, but that he’s OK with that. Because he knows I love him enough, and that I will grow to love him more once we are married and he has earned it.

That broke my heart, because that man is one of the kindest souls I know, and he shouldn’t have to earn anybody’s love. He already deserves it. And for one fleeting moment, those words made me feel a flutter of something more. They truly did. But that fleeting moment passed, a mere drop in the wide ocean of tides that wash over my heart every day for M. If I’d never met M, I imagineI’d be happy with W. But I did, and I can’t change that any more than I can stop the sun rising in the sky.

Mother spoke with me long into the night, begging me to make the right choice. She has never admitted it out loud, but I know that she knows about M. I suspected a while back, but now I am sure. She told me stories of hardship she endured when she first married my father. She told me how they stripped the shine off of their love for one another. And whilst I can’t imagine anything so unimportant as hardships ruining what M and I share, I must imagine that she also didn’t believe that at the time. Which does give me some cause for hesitation. The rest of my life is a very long time. And as all mothers like to say, those married in haste repent at leisure.

I stand at this momentous fork in the road not knowing what I should do. Do I trust my wild heart, or is it the fickle creature of so many women’s tales, which will turn like the tide at the first storm? Or if I trust sense and logic, is it sure to bring me contentment down the line, or will I feel unfulfilled with a husband who’ll grow to resent me when he realises he will never be enough?

How, in the name of all that is holy, am I supposed to choose?

THIRTY-THREE

A few days later, after settling back into life at Pineview Falls, Kate ventured out to the Christmas market for some fresh air and a distraction from her spiralling thoughts. Having been suitably distracted from the moment she arrived, and unable to resist all the mouth-watering smells filling the air, she trudged back up the snowy hill a couple of hours later laden with paper bags fit to burst with delicious seasonal treats.

It wasn’t just the market that had brought back her smile though. It was also eager anticipation for the trip she was taking to one of Sam’s housing projects that afternoon. Since learning what he did for a living, she’d been more and more intrigued, and eventually she’d worked up the courage to ask him if she could go along and see it in person. Sam had been surprised but more than happy to let her come along. Kate could hardly wait. Hearing about all the inspiring things that Sam was doing here interested and excited her in a way nothing else had for a long time. The creative things he’d developed fascinated her, but the more she thought about it, the more she realised her excitement lay in what these things meant for the people they helped. She admired what Sam was doing and realised she envied him, too.

She envied him the gift of waking up every day knowing he was going to make a difference to someone. Someone who needed it, rather than some penny-pinching CEO trying to hide failing parts of their business in the paperwork of a complicated deal.

Lost in thought and humming the tune to ‘Deck the Halls’, Kate didn’t initially notice the car slow to a crawl behind her. She heard the window wind down though and glanced back. For a moment, she assumed it was someone looking for directions, so she stopped and turned properly. But then she saw who it was and froze.

‘What doyouwant?’ she asked coldly.

Aubrey moved alongside her and leaned out the window with an angelic expression of sorrow. ‘I want to apologise,’ she said humbly. ‘I really don’t know what came over me that day – I swear to God, it was like something justtook overmy body. I wasn’t seeing sense. I wasn’t seeing anything atall. All I can remember is that we were having a nice talk over a cup of yourlovelytea, and then my grams arrived, and – and then suddenly Sam was there and there was water all over the floor, and when I learned what I’d nearlydone. Oh mygosh…’ She put her hands to her cheeks and shook her head, looking stricken. ‘Kate, I justcannotbear it. Can you find it in your heart to ever forgive me? Ican’tforgive myself, but if I know I have your forgiveness along with the good Lord Jesus on my side, then I may just get there someday.’

Kate made a sound of derision. ‘Ugh… Don’t useJesusas part of your scam this close to his birthday, Aubrey. It’s reallynotgood form.’

She turned and carried on up the hill, glad that it was still daylight and that other cars were regularly driving past. The luck on her side was that with the snow, Aubrey probably couldn’t mount the pavement with her car, so Kate was at least safe frombeing run over. But she still felt tense with the woman so close behind her.

The car moved to keep pace alongside Kate.

‘Kate, it’s the truth,’ Aubrey insisted. ‘I’m really not a bad person. I feel horrible. Honestly, I think it was seeing my grams. There’s all sorts of bad childhood trauma there, you see.’

‘Mhm,’ Kate murmured. ‘With agramslike yours, you’d think your acting skills would be a little better.’ She turned to face her. ‘But even if they were, that excuse isn’t evencloseto believable. Childhood granny issues don’t cause someone toaccidentallytry to blackmail a lawyer with violence and permanent scarring. Whatyoudid was…ugh…’ Kate recalled the dark, vindictive look on the woman’s face as she’d gone for her that day. ‘That was something else entirely.’

A glint of annoyance flashed across Aubrey’s face, even as she tried to keep up the act, and Kate shook her head, a fierce feeling of protectiveness for Coreaux Roots sweeping through her like a hot tidal wave.

‘Look, you’re not getting any part of Coreaux Roots, Aubrey,’ she said suddenly. ‘Not youoryour grandmother. That’s what you’ve come sniffing around for, so you might as well know that now.Neitherof you understands what that company really is or cares about it atall! Which means neither of you are worthy of it.’ Kate watched as the mask dropped and Aubrey’s face contorted with bitter sparks of hot rage. She reined her emotions back in and suppressed a shiver. ‘You need to leave now.’

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