Page 80 of Karma's Kiss

I don’t answer him. I don’t look at him. I breathe through my nose, count to five, feel a sob building in my chest.No.

“Madison?”

I ignore him again and eventually, Sawyer slips the baby milestone book and the stuffed bear off the corner of my desk before he leaves. I wait until he’s gone, rush to lock the front door of our office, and make it to the bathroom before I really lose it.

Go anywhere! Be anything! Dream big!

Or in this instance, sit on a toilet and sob.

CHAPTER 18

It’s Saturday,close to lunchtime, and I’m crammed into the front seat of Queenie’s car with boxes wedging me in on all sides. We stuffed as many as we could in the back seat and the trunk, but there are still two at my feet and one on my lap, blocking my view out the front windshield. Queenie helped me pack up all the pregnancy stuff from Sawyer. I told her about the tests when I got home from work on Monday night, and she’s been my rock these last few days, letting me cry, rubbing my back, even skipping book club on Wednesday to stay with me and veg out while we binged a murder documentary.

Now, she turns down the volume on the country song blasting on the radio and frowns over at me.

“It’s been a few days now, hun…”

I offer a noncommittal hum.

“I just…I’m trying to wrap my head around it. You didn’t even seem this shaken up when you and Matthew ended things.”

I wasn’t.

“I really wanted a baby.” I say it as I stare out at the cornfields whipping past us. I don’t want to look at Queenie now. I haven’t cried at all today, and it feels like a real accomplishment.

“I know that. I just wish you weren’t taking this so hard. Babies will be in your future. You and Sawyer tried once, and not really—what’s stopping you from trying again?”

It’s not that simple. I’ve tried to explain it to her.

“Can’t you see? It’s one thing to get pregnant accidentally…”

“No, actually I can’t see. I don’t have my glasses—lost them two days ago. I think they’re somewhere at the office.”

I whip my head in her direction. “Then why are you driving?!”

“I can mostly make out the road fine. You just tell me when I’m supposed to turn off.”

We’re heading to drop some boxes with Marge’s niece. She’s pregnant and living on her own in a small trailer on the outskirts of town. When we get there—after a few wrong turns thanks to Queenie’s near-blindness—I unload everything onto her doorstep while my mom waits in the car. I feel like I’m making quick work of it, but I’m not fast enough because when I’m on the last one, Marge’s niece—blonde hair, big eyes, wide smile—swings open the screen door and starts bawling when she sees the amount of stuff we brought her.

“You have no idea how nice this is!”

She comes over, and her cute pregnant belly presses into me as she hugs me.

I pat her shoulder tepidly. It’s all I can manage. “No problem. Marge kept the compression socks. You’ll have to beg her for them. She’s pretty attached.” I sound pretty matter-of-fact about it all.

She laughs and wipes under her eyes as she pulls away from me. “Marge can keep them.Look at all this stuff.”

She’s right. It’s a lot. I hadn’t realized how much Sawyer was buying since it was trickling in day by day, package by package. “Root through it and let me know if there are still things you’re missing.”

“Are you kidding?This is more than enough! Thank you!”

Once I make it back to the car, Queenie’s waiting for me with a smile. “Now didn’t that feel good? Bet it lifted your spirits to help someone like that.”

“Eh, not really.”

She snorts at my depressed reply and throws the car into reverse. “Well you just need to get outta your funk. You know what you need?Fried okra.A whole plate of it with a side of ranch. How ’bout it?”

I sigh, tired of doing this song and dance with her. “Sure. Sounds good.”

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