Page 72 of Those Heartbreak Scars

I stumble down the stairs and across the main floor. Blindly, I push people aside as I search for an exit.

Eventually I stumble out onto the street. My steps quicken. Tears fall faster too. I start to shiver and wrap my arms around myself. I can’t believe I let myself get put in that position.

And Gray… quit. He just quit like we didn’t have a huge falling out over his job weeks ago. I don’t know what to do with that after tonight.

I’m nowhere near my little flat, and I’m walking around alone in the dark. Jumping at shadows. I have no idea where I am.

My phone rings. I consider ignoring it, because it’s probably Gray. And in no way am I ready to talk to him.

It’s not Gray though. It’s Indy.

Indy who I desperately wish I could talk to about all of this. Who would know how to make me feel less like a whore for almost fucking Everett in front of Gray so that he could keep the job he just quit. Who would tell me that Everett should have let me up when I asked even though I allowed myself to be put in that position in the first place.

Because God, now I feel guilty about not being strong enough to walk out when Everett made his demands. As guilty as I feel about being in love with her ex. Perhaps more so. It’s like something in my head is so broken that I felt like the only way to survive tonight was to force myself to be a willing participant. Or how no matter how much I just want to belong I never can because I’m not like Gray or Everett or Indy. I am always alone. Always lonely.

And the only way I have ever been able to fit in is to be untrue to myself. Let people use me. Live with how stupid that is whenall I want to do is scream. But tonight, oh, that takes the cake… Why couldn’t I just tell them both to go to hell from the get-go?

Hope is a bitch.

And the only person in the whole wide world who can make me feel better is calling. I need her right now. Her friendly voice that will wrap around me like a hug. She always knows what to say. So I answer the call, prepared to let her talk my ear off. Because I can’t talk to her about anything that happened tonight.

“You’re not yourself,” she says after a few minutes. “What’s going on with you lately?”

“Too much,” I say. “And none of it good. You would hate me if I told you.”

“Hardly,” she says. “You’re my ride or die. We stick with each other no matter what. You stuck with me through my worst days. When I was hurting people I love. Let me stick with you.”

A new influx of tears turns everything watery. “I wouldn’t know where to start.”

Especially when so much of it is tied up with Gray.

“Anywhere.”

My throat is clogged with my emotions. “I… can’t.”

“Then we’ll talk about other stuff. And when you’re ready just break in with whatever is on your mind, okay?”

“Mmhmm.”

“So we could talk about how my brother has naked pictures of your flatmate on his phone. Or we can talk about our trip to the Dells. It’s not so far away.”

“He has pictures of Dove?” I pinch the bridge of my nose and press my fingertips into the corners of my eyes. Does that mean they’re in contact?

“I accidentally stumbled on the images while looking for snaps of his vacay. When I asked him about her, he turned as red as a tomato and mumbled something about nosey sisters losing their noses.” She laughs. “It’s possible he forgot they were there. But I don’t think he deleted them after I pointed them out either.”

“EJ.” I tsk. “Cheeky. Would not have expected that.”

“I know, right?” We move on to talking about the trip and I start to feel better. We’ll have so much fun now that she’s healthy. Last time we’d planned it she was so ill she wouldn’t have been able to do much without it being risky.

“You only live once, right?” She says, like YOLO has become her own personal motto. “So we shouldn’t hide from it. Or our best friends.”

“I… let someone treat me badly tonight.” My words come out choked.

“Yourhe?” There’s an edge to it now, like her esteem of this person she has no clue about has gone down.

I can’t imagine how she would react if she knewhewas Gray. “No. But he was there. And he was part of the reason that I went along with it. Not because—”

“That bastard.”

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