Page 42 of Those Heartbreak Scars

Quitting was not the plan, but I can’t go back. I don’t know how I’ll explain it to my parents or to Indy. After everything she’s been through, not being able to stick to the plan feels like I’m failing her too. I don’t have a clue what I’ll do long-term without my doctorate. But the idea of walking those university halls, seeing him, I can’t do it. “I need to withdraw.”

“Can you drop by my office next week?” she asks. “We can go through what you’ll need to do. Discuss your options moving forward.”

“Okay.” I bite my thumb nail. Perhaps I can get Gray to come with me so I don’t have to do it alone. I won’t have to worry about running intohimif Gray is with me.

“I’ll see you then.” Ruby hangs up.

I have a bunch of notifications and time to kill so I go back to my conversation with Indy. Her first message makes me snort.

Indy: God no. I meant for you. I only need Theo. His hands are huge and his penis is pierced. You know what I’m talking about. ;p

I don’t believe for one second that my bestie didn’t write some huge essay on her feelings for Gray. And for Theo. Before settling on being flippant. Not because she wants Gray back. But because of how they ended.

And while I have come across a pierced peen or two in my time, I’m not sure they measure up in any way to Gray and his mouth. But that’s my opinion. One I will take to the grave.

Another message comes through.

Indy: I love Theo so much. In case that wasn’t clear.

America: We all love him. We’re so glad you found each other.

Indy: I hope one day you’ll know what it’s like. To look at your man and just want to explode with love. But you better introduce me first. I need to vet him, and make sure he’s right for my bestie.

How could that possibly work? If I showed up to Christmas dinner with Gray holding my hand.Hey babe, this is my boyfriend. You know him… on a biblical level.

Not the perverted level I’m getting to know him on though. She always said he was sweet and considerate. I took that as code for boring. Or at least that’s what I told myself in an attempt to quiet my attraction to him.

She never told me I’d want to tongue-in-cheek call himsirwhile falling to my knees before him. She never admitted he had such a dirty, perverted mouth.

This slutty, panty-ripping level I’m getting to experience makes my knees weak, and a dribble run down my thigh. Both because thinking about a replay of this afternoon gives me tingles, and because my panties are still moist and messy from the afterglow.

I drop into the closest chair as I type out a response. I’m getting ahead of myself, imagining any kind of future where the three of us are in the same place at the same time. Just because he said we have things to talk about doesn’t mean that he wants more than what we’re currently doing. On our best days we’re friends, and the sex… it’s fantastic, but it’s just sex.

He loved her so much. He still loves her. Even if he’s convinced himself it’s hate. And Indy loves him too, though it’s different for her because she loves Theo as well.

You don’t spend your entire life with someone, and not need time to grieve when they’re no longer a part of you. They say it can take half as long as you loved someone to come to peace with losing them.

I don’t know what that means for Gray and me. I’m a distraction. I know that. But after today, it feels like we could be more. Except…

America: I’m not telling you who HE is.

Indy: Oh come on. I’m dying over here. We don’t keep secrets from each other.

America: You’re not dying anymore, you can’t use that excuse.

Indy: Too soon? That wasn’t what I meant. I’m just excited to meet your hot British boytoy.

America: I promise if anyone meets him, you’ll be the first.

She has no inkling that I’ve been in love with Gray forever and that as much as I moved here for the university it was also to put some distance between us when she was supposed to be marrying him.

I close my eyes and rest my head against the wall. Gray wants to talk. Maybe when we’re done talking, I’ll have more idea of what, if anything, I should tell my best friend.

Chapter Sixteen

America

Cutting across the road, I skip over the gutter in my favorite heels. The ones with the ankle strap and the four-inch heel. They’re silver and remind me of Christmas. Specifically the Christmas I accidentally ended up under the mistletoe with Gray.

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