Page 8 of Those Heartbreak Scars

The vodka has loosened my lips, or perhaps it’s because Gray and EJ have always been who I turned to for advice when it wasn’t something I wanted to discuss with my parents. “Was angry while grading my papers. His wife is the head of faculty. There doesn’t seem like much point fighting it.”

He stares at me, and I wait for the sound of disappointment. I close my eyes, prepared for it, but not wanting to see it on his face. I’m not eighteen. There are people my age who are settled into their careers and marriages. I’m old enough and smart enough to know and do better. Or I should be.

“He should be the one out of a job.” Gray’s voice has a viciousness to it.

He’s angry on my behalf, and while that will change nothing—not the choices I’ve made. Not the consequences I’m dealing with—it feels a little less shameful now. “Thank you.”

“Ever think about dating a reasonable guy?” he asks when the lull in conversation starts to stretch out. “Someone who won’t turn out to be a raging asshole.”

“Oh…” My pulse races. He’s too close to the truth. I make bad decisions around men like it’s self-preservation. Or more accurately, for their preservation. They’re never the man that I want. Not really. Bad decisions almost seem like a reasonable consequence to dating when there’s no future in it, but I keep trying because pining for a man who doesn’t see me as anything more than a friend is no future to look forward to. “What? Like you?”

“Well, no… that’s not what I meant.” He looks grim, like the thought of dating is painful. “I think I’ll be an old man before you’ll see me want to start something new.”

“I was joking.” I laugh it off without actually laughing. It’s not funny that he’s hurting. Or that I love him so much I can’thave a real relationship with someone else even though I know, logically, that I don’t deserve to be so unhappy.

Indy moved on and she had his love. I’m so broken I need a factory reset. But then I always do hyperfixate on things I’m into. Languages and Gray, mostly.

“It’s just after… I don’t think I’ll ever…”

“Say no more.” I lay my hand on his jaw. “We don’t have to talk about it. But if you ever do want to talk about it…”

“You’re an angel.” He turns his head so that his lips press against the center of my palm.

I close my eyes and relish the feel of that small token of affection. It’s not even a real kiss, but it gives me butterflies.

He’s drunk, though, or getting there. So am I. I shouldn’t let it mean anything. In fact, I should probably go to bed.

“How about another drink?”

Chapter Four

America

“I should go to bed.” I drop my burning palm from his jaw and massage the branded spot with my thumb. I’ve made so many mistakes this year that I’ve fulfilled my quota. If EJ and Dove weren’t singing their orgasmic opera in our Airbnb, I’d hurry on back to the villa.

Or at least that’s what I should want to do.

“Just one.” He stares at my mouth like he’s never noticed it before, then he focuses on my eyes. “It’s been such a nice night. I’m not ready for it to end. My thoughts are not… they’re not fun. When I’m alone.”

I can’t seem to make myself walk away, but then again I don’t really want to. We haven’t caught up in ages. Who knows when there will be a next time. And I hate to see him in pain.

It’s not like I’ll be able to sleep while he’s on the balcony drinking anyway.

I lift a hand and extend one finger. “One more and we’ll call it a night.”

“Great.” His smile widens. “What will you have?”

“Vodka, please.” I follow him inside.

I’ve lost count of the cocktails I’ve had tonight. Mine and mine and Dove’s and… then there’s the vodka… and we can’t forget about the pre-drinks.

He pours another tiny bottle of vodka into my glass before handing it to me, his fingers brushing against mine.

The summer heat and the vibe between us have me breaking out in a sweat. “Is the pool still open? I’d love to cool off.”

“There were people in it until two this morning.” He wraps his lips around the rim of his glass and tips some of the liquor into his mouth.

“I think I’ll get in then.” I pop out my Calmer earbuds, drop them into my purse. I wear them to places like the club we went to tonight so I don’t get overwhelmed by all the noise. I don’t need them now. Here, with Gray.

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