Page 60 of It's Holy Matrimony, Baby

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Marriage is weathering the storm

Sometimes we fuck it up

But I’d rather be fucked up with you

Than without you

NOX

“Beck, you up yet?” I knock the cabin door closed with an elbow and carry the coffee and cupcakes I picked up in town into the kitchen. She didn’t sleep well last night, thanks to the storm. She’d lain awake, staring out the window most of the night. I could tell something more than the storm was on her mind with the way she curled up close to me. She’d barely fallen asleep when I had to leave this morning.

Placing them on the counter, I head into the bedroom. Hollander’s curled up in the center of the bed, the sheets scrunched up around him. He opens one green eye.

“Know where she is, bud?”

Curling his head to his tail, he ignores me.

I leave him to it. Check the bathroom. Head outside. Last night’s storm did some damage. Broken branches littered the road this morning while I was making deliveries. Debris everywhere. Couple of the metal sheets on the shed roof are loose. Nothing inside is damaged. Thank heaven for small mercies.

I make my way around the building and down the path that leads to the grove. Don’t expect her to be down there but I need to assess the damage anyway. She probably went into town to see Liv or to the library to work on her article. My pulse gets a bit bumpy at the idea of her and Liv together. They’d practically been joined at the head yesterday, they were that deep into their whispered conversation. Can’t imagine keeping a secret would be easy between those two. Especially with the way they kept glancing at me like I was the topic.

I stutter to a halt as I take in the picture in front of me. I left before it was light this morning, so I didn’t notice the chaos. Never seen anything like it. Almost unbelievable, except I’m seeing it with my own eyes. There aren’t just broken branches scattered about the grove, but trees. Some of them, their roots still in the ground, have fallen on each other like dominoes. A couple have been completely uprooted and thrown about like ragdolls, their tips charred gray though the buds are still green.

Beck stands in the middle of the grove, her arms wrapped around her waist, staring at the tree in front of her.

“It was hit by lightning,” she says when I get to her. “But it’s still standing. That’s good, right?”

“Don’t know.” I slip my hands into my pockets and shrug with my elbows. I’ve hated these trees so much for so long. Pretty sure I would have revelled in this mess at one point. Can’t find it in me to be happy about this now, though. “Could be dead inside. Or dying. It’s hard to tell.”

“I hope not. I know it’s just a tree but...” She glances at me with wide, unhappy eyes as she reaches out to rub an already curling leaf between her fingers. “Those people who say that orange trees are a symbol of a good relationship also say that a fallen one is a sign of a break up. And death.”

“I thought you said they were still just trees.” Don’t like the idea that in her head she’s imagining our marriage is dying too.

“I know.” She turns and walks back to me. “I know I’m being dramatic again. Trees are trees and curses are only real if you believe in them, but...”

“You still have doubts.”

“I can’t quite shake them. After everything that’s happened over the years. And this feels like a warning. Doesn’t it feel like a sign to you? All these trees knocked over.”

“A big storm went through, that’s all.” I cradle her face in my hand. “Just a storm.”

“Just a storm,” she echoes. “But what if...”

“Trees fall over all the time. Storms cause damage all the time.” Have to get her to rationalize what’s happened in the grove. Have to keep her with me. Can’t let this be the reason she finally decides that we’re not worth it. I’ll be damned if I let her go. “It’s not just here. There’s a pine down across the road on the other side of town. There are branches everywhere. These trees are just part of the mess left by the storm. If this was a sign wouldn’t the damage only be here? More personal. Something that only affects us.”

“I suppose so.” She glances around at the destruction last night’s weather produced. “It’s such a mess.”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s nothing. We’ll clean it up. We’ll fix it.” I wrap my arms around her and press my lips to her hair. “And we’ll prepare for the next storm.” Whenever and whatever that will be. Get the feeling it’ll be soon though. It twists me up inside. Makes my heart hammer. I can’t stand to imagine her reaction. The idea of her not being here. It opens a void in my chest.

How am I supposed to tell her about my deal with Liv when she’s waiting for something to go wrong between us? I have to though. I can’t keep this secret from her anymore. It’ll only make things worse. Can’t fall any deeper for her without knowing whether she’ll stay despite my flaws, keep being my wife even when I’m not sure I deserve it, and give me the future I’ve started to believe is possible only if she’s in it.

She steps out of my arms, and I want to drag her back in. Hold onto her as long and as tightly as I can. “We should—”

“Well, at least... sorry I interrupted you.” she says.

“Doesn’t matter,” I say. Not sure how to tell her anyway. “What were you going to say?”

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