Page 126 of Grave Matter

I then run up the stairs to the deck. The wind and rain blast me, and I look behind me at the lodge. We’re further down the inlet but still pretty close to shore. I go to the wheel and drop the speed down another knot so that the boat is crawling. The waves are hitting us, but I know outside of the inlet the swells will be much worse. I know a boat like this is made for blue water cruising and can take a beating, and as long as it stays on autopilot, Wes should get to Winter Harbor. Hopefully, he wakes up before it crashes into a dock.

I look back at Madrona, at the lights flickering through the trees. The power to the main buildings might still be out; it’s hard to tell from here.

I only have one choice.

I grab the life ring from the back, slipping it over me like a Hula-Hoop, then step to the edge of the boat.

I stare down at the black water and waves, knowing it’s going to be so cold when I land that I’ll forget to breathe.

But knowing I’ve already died once makes it a little easier.

I take in a deep breath.

And I jump.

I land in the ocean with a splash, just as a wave crashes over my head. I hold on to the ring as tight as I can, all the air leaving my lungs, my limbs seizing up immediately. It’s so cold I think it’s stopped my heart, all the dark water whirling around me as I sink.

Then the buoyancy of the life ring snaps into gear, and I pop up through the water until I’m right side up again, staring at the boat as it slowly moves past me, guided by auto. I turn and start kicking toward the shore. It’s only a few yards, and as long asmy legs are able to keep moving, and as long as the waves don’t crush me against the rocks, I should be able to reach it.

I keep kicking, telling myself to keep going, to not stop, that I’m going to make it, that I’ll make it to shore and that everything will be alright, that Wes will be alright.

But at the thought of him, my heart bleeds.

I loved him. I truly loved him, didn’t I?

And he loved me.

Why did we break up?

Why was I brought back to life with all my previous memories here erased?

And why can’t I remember more? It’s like I only remember the bits and pieces, I only remember the Sydney Denik from the Polaroid pictures. I don’t know what I did when I was here. I don’t remember how Wes and I fell in love, only that I know we were in love. I don’t remember why Everly was so nice to me back then and why she’s so cruel to me now.

I just don’t remember any of it.

I know who I was before I stepped off that seaplane.

I know who I am after I stepped off that seaplane, three years later.

Somewhere in the middle, there is this other Sydney, another version of myself. One who fell in love and made a home for herself here. One who found family in the lodge, who never went back to California but stayed at Madrona year-round.

Did I…work here?

Yes. I worked here.

The realization dawns on me as I kick closer, trying to avoid the rocks. It’s too dark to see anything, but I aim for a gentle slope under the trees where the shoreline looks more manageable, and it’s here where the waves slam me into the shore, pounding me into the pebbles.

I gasp, spitting out seawater, and then crawl up on the beach. My body is starting to shake, and I know the hypothermia will set in soon if I don’t get warm.

I manage to stagger to my feet, my sneakers sliding on the pebbles, and toss the life ring to the side. I glance over my shoulder atMithrandir, bobbing up and down in the inlet as it slowly moves away.

What if you made a mistake?I can’t help but think.What if Wes was telling the truth?

I can’t think about that now. I’m here. He’s there. And I don’t know what to think. Where to begin. Even before all of this, he was acting erratic. Dangerous. He tied me up. He wouldn’t let me call for help. He was kidnapping me. None of those things suggest he’s someone with my best interests at heart.

But he loved you. He loved you.

I walk up the shore, my feet numb, but I keep going, making my way through the woods. I hear the trees whisper to me, but they don’t bother me anymore, not when I know what’s happened. Of course I can hear them; we’re all connected by the same things. We are one.

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