Page 151 of Sinful Games

I’m sorry, Caia. God, I’m so sorry. It destroys me to know how much pain I’ve caused you. That your dream was shattered in the worst way. You found a love so pure, only to have it ripped from you. And I can’t stop imagining how many tears you’ve cried since Lukyan was taken from us.

Every night since you left, I’ve prayed—begged—for God to reunite me with our son. If I can’t have you here with me, then I begged for Him to show me mercy, to take me too. To let me be with Lukyan in whatever world comes next.

Death doesn’t scare me anymore. It’s the only comfort I have. Knowing that none of this—nothing I do, nothing I am—matters in the end. One day, maybe soon, the pain will stop. Life will stop. And I’ll see our boy again.

But until then, I’m begging you. Please, Caia, come back to me. Find a way to forgive me. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved. The only one I’ll ever love. You’re the only one who can fix this broken heart of mine. And maybe, just maybe, I can help heal yours too.

One day, you asked why I always call you moya solnyshka.

The answer’s simple—you are. You are my sunshine. You’re the only light that pierced through the shadows of my wrecked life. Sohere I am, asking for another shot—come back, burn through my darkness again. I need your fire, your light, to scorch me back to life, Caia. Please.

For Lukyan. For us. Please.

Yours,

Alexsei

Dear Caia,

How are you holding up? Are you eating enough? Sleeping at all? Do you still put the TV on when sleep won’t come? How many pistachio ice creams have you had since you left? How many times have you laughed, and how many tears have fallen? Are you still out there with your camera, capturing pieces of the world like you promised you would? Do you even miss me, just a fraction of how much I miss you?

How many times have you heard my voice in your dreams? Felt the ghost of my touch? And Lukyan… does his face still visit you in the night? Is he still a reminder of everything we lost?

Are you finding comfort in the life you’ve built without me? Have you found new people, created some version of a life now that I’m not in it? Do you still dream of anything, or did our past kill that too? And Caia… have you forgiven me? Will I ever see you again?

These questions keep me up at night, swirling in my head, unanswered now that you’ve cut me out of your life. When you left, I told you that you’d unleash the monster in me—but I was the one lying. You didn’t unleash a monster. You shattered me. I’m barely surviving, barely living.

I left Moscow months ago. I had to. The city was choking me, every corner holding memories I couldn’t bear. Now, I’m in some village in Switzerland called Hermance, near the shore of Lake Léman. You’d love it here. It’s peaceful, almost painfully beautiful—perfect for you to capture with your lens.

I’ve been wandering ever since, drifting, searching for something I know I don’t deserve. Searching for you, even though you’re gone. I’m lost, Caia. Lost in a sea of pain that drowns me a little more every day.

The nightmares come more often now. You. Lukyan. Everything we lost. I can’t escape the image of our son, lifeless, stealing a part of me I’ll never get back. And finding you like that… a part of me nearly followed him into the dark. But God showed mercy. He let you live.

Maybe telling you that I begged for your life will only make you hate me more. I know you would’ve rather left with him. But you’re everything to me, Caia. I couldn’t lose you too. And now, even though I already have, I still can’t let go.

I’m sorry, moya solnyshka. So, so fucking sorry.

Yours always and forever,

Alexsei

Himoya solnyshka,

It’s me again.

I’m in Zakopane, Poland. It’s this cozy little town that’s absolutely magical at Christmas. But I can’t even feel it because it’s my first Christmas without you. Without Lukyan.

I’ve been trying, Caia. These past few months, I’ve done everything I can to hold onto hope, to keep believing that somehow, we’ll find our way back to each other. I know if you read this—or any of my letters—you’ll probably think I’m delusional. Maybe I am. But what else do I have? These dreams are the only thing keeping me going.

Today, I walked through the snow-covered streets, surrounded by happy couples and families, and all I could think about was the Christmas we should have had. Lukyan would’ve been running around, full of energy at two and a half, his laughter filling our home. I can almost hear him, Caia—telling you how much he loves you. You were his world.

His first words? They’d have been all about you. No question.

I can see it now—us lavishing him with gifts. A new book, a toy truck, maybe a tiny car for him to zoom around outside. And for you… I had something special. A gold necklace with our initials, yours, mine, and Lukyan’s, all intertwined. You’d have worn it close to your heart, just like you held onto us, onto our love.

Baldwin said the man to be feared is the one with nothing to lose. And he wasn’t wrong. I’ve got nothing left, Caia. I’m hollow, just this shell of pain and grief. I’d do anything to have you back. Anything. But here I am, wandering through a world where nothing I do matters, where no amount of love or pain can bring you back to me.

So I walk these empty streets, haunted by what should’ve been. I can’t stop thinking about you. About us. The way we made love, how our bodies fit like they were made for each other. Your eyes—they always held this tenderness, this desire that melted me. Every touch, every kiss… it felt like we were creating magic. And we did. Lukyan was proof of that, born from the deepest parts of us.

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