Page 34 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1

But I needed something, some part of her.Five fucking years was too long to live without breathing.That is why I joined the crowd of people who had surrounded her outside the ice cream shop she was about to enter.Although I told myself to stand back, I couldn’t resist the compelling urge to get closer.

I saw the second she felt me, saw the way her breathing changed, and her chest rose and fell more rapidly.And when her head whipped around and our eyes met from behind the shades we both wore, I saw the slight lifting of her lips before she remembered, and it disappeared.I took that hit to the gut and stored it away.

But it was the blush on her cheek, the way her hand shook as she wrote, that told me that she was not unaffected.I could live on that for the next little while.Now I have something new to add to the memories from my nights spent by her hospital bed.

So, although I was almost close to tears because of the loss of her, I held onto the hope that I could turn things around.That I could one day be back in her orbit where I could partake of the genuine love she had for those who mattered.

I stood back and let the others around me push forward with their hands outheld, waiting for her to sign whatever it was that they’d grabbed upon seeing her and felt more alive than I had in the days past.

When I’d learned through the people I had on her that she was taking a trip, there was no question that I was going to follow.My treatment was only halfway finished, and there was a danger of me regressing, but I didn’t care.I couldn’t not be here.I’m not sure why because I still can’t get close to her, but I needed to be here.

I won’t go back home until I’m sure I’m ready, and there’s no guarantee that I wouldn’t be noticed if I went back to LA, so this was probably the last time I’d be able to be this close to her for a while before she goes back home.

I stood back now and watched as she laughed and joked with her adoring friends and felt like I’d won the greatest thing when she lifted her head one last time and searched for me in the crowd.I couldn’t beat the tears this time and was too close to doing something stupid, like going to her and grabbing her, so I turned and walked away with wet eyes and a heavy heart.

Chapter 22

*Elena*

It can’t be; there’s no way.But I know what I saw.Or do I?Maybe I’m losing my mind again.Uh-uh, nope, I’m not going back down that rabbit hole of destruction again.I won’t fill myself with doubts and what-ifs again because that shit takes forever to end.But what’s the alternative?Should I believe what I saw or write it off as my mind playing tricks on me again?

The way my heart was racing and my skin tingling, I was afraid I already knew the answer but was just too afraid to accept it because I didn’t know what it meant.If I didn’t accept what my eyes and heart had seen, then I’d have to make a trip back to the doctor and admit that I’d failed once again, and if I accepted, it’d just be opening a rusty can of rotten worms that I’m not sure I’m ready to deal with.

Ryder?Here?How?Why?And why now?This is crazy.I barely made it through my last smile for the last fan without a complete meltdown or panic attack before making my excuses and heading into the ice cream shop.

I was doing my best not to give myself away to Sydney and Rachel because I didn’t want to sound or look crazy, but my mind was racing with questions.There was no way for me to pretend that it didn’t happen.To just push it aside like I do everything else and pretend that life just goes on.Ryder had most definitely been less than six feet away from me.I can still feel him.

Now I’m wondering if what I felt in the hospital was real.Granted, I didn’t see him then and had no real proof, but I know what I know.I’d felt him before I saw him, and that, more than anything, was bothering me.

After all this time, how could I still feel him?Sense him?The way I always did in the past.Strong and powerful, like an electric current rushing beneath the surface of my skin that ignited every fiber of my being and always made me come alive like no one else ever could.

“Hey, chicklet, what flavor?Are you okay?”I plastered a smile on my face and hoped she didn’t look too deeply into my eyes or touch me right now because I was pretty sure I was vibrating.It didn’t work because the smile turned into tears, and she rushed me out of there so fast my feet barely touched the pavement outside.

“Head down, head down, here, take my phone, pretend that you’re talking to someone.”She laughed and tapped my shoulder with the fingers of the hand she had wrapped around me while I fumbled to get her phone to my ear.To anyone looking, we were sharing a joke with someone on the phone.

I heard Rachel running to catch up and then Sydney shooing her away with a lie, “It’s her agent; we’ll meet you back on the boat; forget the ice cream for now.”Rachel didn’t leave right away, and once again, I could only imagine the look Sydney gave her to get her moving.Those two have yet to call a cease-fire, and I’ve long given up trying.

If Sydney hadn’t been guiding me, I doubt I would’ve made it back in one piece because I don’t remember my feet touching the ground, and I never lifted my head up to see where I was going.Tears were the only thing I saw as they filled my eyes before running down my cheeks.I thought I was done with this; I really did.

She hustled me onto the boat and below deck as soon as we reached, which was a good thing because I was close to breaking point.On the walk here, when I wasn’t freaking out, I’d been thinking in that short space of time of all the things I should’ve done differently instead of freezing at the sight of him.

I took it easy on myself and admitted that there were too many emotions running through me at the time for anything but the result I gave, and besides, I hadn’t been prepared.Maybe I’d finally conjured him somehow with all the hidden thoughts I still can’t get rid of.No one ever tells you that it can take close to forever to forget someone, even long after you’ve convinced yourself that you are over them.

I hadn’t seen him face to face since the award show, where I sang on the stage in front of him.The press had had a field day with his response back then, something that I’d done my best to ignore, even though it was obvious that he’d been affected.As far as I was concerned, he was already married to someone else, so what did it matter if he wore a look of guilt and unease and looked at me with soulful eyes?

All that did was cause another uproar that I’d wanted no part of.There were a million different angles of his face that night as if all the cameras in the building were on him, and his reaction to seeing me and hearing my song had been captured for posterity and all the world to see.

There was new speculation about his marriage and our relationship, and the questions had started all over again.Something new and shiny came along not long after, and the paparazzi moved onto that, leaving me alone again, but the fans were like a dog with a bone, even mine.

My fans, who had torn him and his wife to shreds until I begged them to stop, had once again started building castles in the sky with the two of us playing the main roles in whatever fucked up play they had running in their heads.At least they weren’t calling for him and his wife’s blood any longer, so a win is a win, I guess.

I’d heard bits and pieces about him being missing in the last few weeks and have tried my best not to care; easier said than done.But still, it was no longer my problem.The fact that my heart still hasn’t let go is neither here nor there.

The heart will always want what it wants, but there’s a flip side to that coin.The heart is deceitful above all else, and that bitch is the first to give out when shit hits the fan.She’s like a mischievous little sister who starts shit with someone else, then run away or hides behind you when things get real.So, my heart can want whatever the hell she wants, but I’m not playing that game.

Life had already kicked my ass but good the last time.That bitch had used both her legs and arms to take me out.I am not going back for more of that shit.So, my heart and other parts of me that were going pitter-patter could calm the f*ck down.

Things have finally been looking up for me.I have a better handle on things now, especially where my mental health is concerned, and I’d only be doing a disservice to myself, not to mention to all the people who’d worked so hard these last five years to get me back on my feet if I allowed myself to be sucked back into anything to do with Ryder Sumner again.

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