Page 12 of My Bully's Crush: Vol1

“Nope, you were always there for me.What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t do the same for you when you needed me?”

I hugged her and felt it for the first time.It’s not the first human contact I’ve had since this all started, but it was the first time I felt it, really felt it, and it brought tears to my eyes.“I love you, Sydney, I really do.Thank you for always being here.I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through this without you by my side.”

“You’ll never have to know because I’ll always be here.”We sat there with my head on her shoulder, enjoying the silence as I took on the weight of what I’d just committed to.Knowing Sydney, she’d never let me go back on my word, so I was pretty much locked in.

“Great, now what am I going to wear?”We both laughed at that, knowing the chaos that was about to ensue.Hopefully, it’ll keep me too busy to stress about the decision that I’d just made.

***

Okay, breathe, Elena, just breathe.How can I when it feels like there’s a bolder on my chest and ice in my veins?Why did I let myself be talked into this again?Why did I fool myself into thinking that I was ready, that I would be okay?Just as I thought, the weeks following my acceptance had been hectic enough to keep my mind off what was coming.

The hours spent choreographing and rehearsing had helped both mentally and physically, but now that D-day was here, I felt like a failure.I wanted to run out of there, straight back to bed, and pull the covers over my head for the next week until this all blew over.

“Great, I found you.What’re you doing back here alone?”Sydney looked around at the darkest corner I could find to hide in the midst of all the hustle and bustle that was the backstage of these things.My only saving grace is that no one seemed to have noticed my absence but leave it to her to be the only one.

“Look at me!You’re a professional.You can do this.This is what you’ve dreamed of your whole life, what you’ve worked for since you were a child.So, what if he’s here?Perfect, show him that he means nothing to you, show all of them that they didn’t break you, show the whole damn world.”

Okay, she was still pissed at my ex.Since we haven’t spoken of him in all these years, I never really knew, though it was suspected.But there was no mistaking the venom in her voice when she spoke of him and “them.”Them would be the clique made up of his wife and her friends.A group of mean girls who seemed to have forgotten that we were no longer in high school and never knew how to act accordingly.

In the very beginning, when I was trauma-seeking, their names would always show up in mentions with my ex and his wife.They made for a very happy bunch back then, but I haven’t heard anything about them lately since, even with the success of my newly released single, I’ve still steered clear of all social media.

Rachel has been in charge of that aspect of my life for some time now, and she knows better than to mention them even though there have been a few slipups here and there of late.She, like Sydney, thinks it’s high time I face my fears head-on; they just go about making their opinions known in very different ways.

Believe it or not, Sydney is the more patient of the two; as for Rachel, she talks a good game when it comes to pushing me, but when it seems to be too much, she’d be the first to backpedal.And none of that is of any use to me tonight.I need to get out of my head long enough to get through this and then go back to where I was before.

I know one thing, I’ll never do this again.After tonight, I’ll never make a promise to put myself out there.I wasn’t ready; I thought I was, and maybe everyone else around me probably thought I should be, but I’m just not.This was a mistake.

“This was a mistake.I can’t do this.

“Okay, fine, let’s get out of here then.”

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah, if you can’t do it, I’m not going to force you.That’s not what friends do.So come on.I’ll make some sort of distraction while you sneak out the back.”

“But wait, wait a minute.Everyone did so much to make this happen.There’s so much that went into this.How can I let all those people down?I can’t… Oh, you’re good.”

“Who me?What did I do?I haven’t said a word.”She zipped her lips with a straight face, but I wasn’t buying it.

“You still wanna get out of here, kid?You don’t have to think about anyone or anything else.Just think about yourself and what you wanna do.If you stay, fine.If you leave, that’s also fine.Your choice.”I took a deep breath and tried to remember everything I’d learned in my mental health sessions with others who were suffering the same as me.

Of course, now that I needed it, my mind kept drawing a blank.But their faces, the faces of all those men and women who’d found the bravery to speak their truth in a circle of strangers, will never fade.How many more were out there, just like me?Without a voice, with no one to speak up for them.

“I’ll do it.”Not for the celebrities sitting out there waiting to get their first look at me in the flesh since they watched my life explode catastrophically before their eyes three and a half years ago.But for those countless faceless sufferers who had no voice.

A feeling of calm came over me, and I knew I could do it.The smile on Sydney’s face was further proof that I was making the right choice.“Come on, let’s get you ready.”I kept myself from thinking about anything other than those faces.Through my makeup touchup, a few breathing exercises, and voice checks, I thought only of those faces in that circle and held onto my calm.

I heard nothing else that went on, listening only for my name.I knew it was close because Sydney disappeared from my side with a quick kiss on my cheek.I didn’t hear the words she said because I’d gone slightly deaf and numb by this point.

I walked out on that stage with my heart thundering.The lights were blinding, and the roar of the crowd sounded more like rushing waters than human voices.I opened my mouth and started to sing the song by rote, but even I could hear the strain in my voice.

The first few lines came out shaky and amateurish, and then it happened.My eyes, though I’d promised to keep them trained in one spot and stay there, had drifted right into his.Oh fuck I’m going to die right here.Floor, just open up and swallow me, please.I heard Sydney’s voice call out to me in the crowd, drawing my gaze away from his and onto her.

The fear drifted away little by little; then the shakes became less and less until my voice gained strength, and I let the words and the music wash over me.Midway through, though, when it was almost time to sing the new song that had not been released anywhere, I started having second thoughts.

Though it was hard to hide the fact that the first song was all about him and what he’d done to me, the next one was all about my glow-up.I’m not feeling very glowy right now.Still, there was no way to stop it now, no way out.

I closed my eyes as the final strains of the first song came and segued into the next effortlessly.The roar of the crowd almost drowned me out and helped me get through it until the end.I barely remember walking off the stage or what happened next.

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