Page 54 of What if I Told You

Taking a deep breath, I look into August’s eyes and tell him, “I don’t think I’ve ever had a penetrative orgasm.”

His mouth opens as if he’s going to say something but then it closes…and then opens again, his blank stare making me feel like he may not have heard what I said until he emphatically asks, “What?”

Squeezing my eyes closed, I shake my head and then wave my hand. “Yeah, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. Really. We don’t have to?—”

“Yes we do, El,” he says, finishing my sentence for me. “Yes, we do. We’re talking about this.”

“But—”

“What do you mean when you say you’ve never had a penetrative orgasm?”

“I mean exactly that,” I huff and then quickly announce, “I’ve never had an orgasm brought on by a penis inside me. There. I said it.”

“But you’ve had sex?”

“Yes.”

“More than once.”

“Yes.”

“With more than one person.”

I roll my eyes. “Yes.”

“And by sex I mean a dick has actually been inside you.”

I bulge my eyes and let my jaw hang open before saying, “Wait…the dick really has to goinsideme?”

He gives me an unreadable stare before wiping his hand down his face as if he can’t believe what he’s hearing but then I pat his arm and giggle. “Relax Auggie. That was a joke. And yes, I’ve had a dick inside me on more than one occasion.”

“Then how the hell is that possible?” he nearly shouts and then sees that his tone disturbs me and takes a deep breath softening his voice. “I mean is that just a personal preference thing for you? Are you not on birth control or do you have a condom allergy or something?”

“Nooo.” I laugh nervously. “I’ve been on birth control since freshman year of college, remember? My mom made me have that mega don’t-have-sex-until-you’re-thirty talk but put me on the pill in case I got assaulted at school.”

“Riiiight. I do remember that.”

I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.

I can’t believe I started this.

I can’t believe I’m about to tell him about my sexual history.

“It’s just that, well, most of the guys I’ve slept with haven’t lasted more than a minute or two once they’re inside me and then once they’ve, you know, started, they can’t stop or slow down so they just plow through until they’re spent.”

“Wait.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Do you mean to tell me you’ve never had an orgasm at all?”

“No. Of course I have.”

“So how do you get off when they’ve blown their load after two minutes?”

I shrug innocently. “If they get me off at all, it’s usually with their fingers or maybe a toy if we’re at my place.”

“So, you don’t even get off every time?” Auggie’s eyes widen and his mouth hangs open.

Christ, this is embarrassing.

“Not always, no.”

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