Page 101 of What if I Told You

Anaheim verses the New Orleans Gators.

Any other game we play during the season doesn’t affect me. It’s just another game. Another team. But the New Orleans Gators aren’t just another team. Not to me. The Gators is the team my childhood rival, Jeff Furbling, was playing for when I ended his career. By all means it shouldn’t be a big deal now. It’s been seven years since that day. Almost eight. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think about what happened every single time I play against this team. To him, I’m positive it’s a huge deal. It doesn’t help that in past years Furbling would ramp up his social media bashing of me during the week leading up to the game. Oddly enough though, this past week has been relatively silent.

Does that make me feel any better about this game?

Not even a little.

It’s the guilt.

The whole idea that not only did I land the crushing blow that resulted in the end of another player’s career, but that it was Jeff fucking Furbling. He was someone I knew. He was someone I trained with. Someone who went through everything I had gone through to get where we are. Well, were. We were friends way back when, before we became rivals. Before we really knew what competition was. Before we had to compete against each other to prove we were the best. Now he’s not on the ice anymore and that’s all because of me. Now every time we play the Gators that same sinking feeling comes back like a punch to the gut. I know it wasn’t my fault directly. I know I didn’t walk into that game planning to hurt anyone let alone end someone’s career, but the fact of the matter is it happened.

It all fucking happened.

And as much as I sort of despise the guy now, the guilt of what I did still sits with me.

“Hey.” Ella nudges my shoulder at dinner before the game, her brows pinched with worry. “What’s going on with you?”

“Huh?”

“Why are you all up in your head today?”

“What do you mean?”

She cocks her head and gives me that don’t-shit-me look. “Auggie, you forget I know you inside and out. Not to mention your ice practice this morning sucked. You missed six out of thirteen shots and that’s not like you at all.”

“You watched practice this morning?”

“Yeah.” She shrugs. “I had a meeting with Marlee and then some promo videos to make so I figured I would pop down and watch a bit when I was done. You were kind of sluggish. Even Hicks called you out about it.”

“Yeah. He did.” I nod not wanting to recount Coach’s reprimand.

“So, what’s going on?” she asks me, rubbing my back gently. “Do you need to talk about it?”

“Nah.” I shake my head. “Just my stupid past punching me in the stomach again.”

Realization hits her and she cringes. “Oooh, the Gators.” She palms her forehead. “I’m so sorry, Auggie. I was so busy this week I didn’t even consider what team we were playing tonight.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s also okay that it bothers you still,” she tells me.

“It pisses me off that it still bothers me,” I finally confess. “It’s been years. What happened, happened. I can’t do anything to change it. I’ve apologized over the years. I’ve sent gifts, I’ve donated to charities. Anything I could do to get him the fuck off my back.”

“Has it been bad again this year? I honestly don’t remember seeing much of anything about it on social media.”

“Actually, it’s been eerily calm,” I tell her.

A relieved smile appears on her face and she pats my forearm. “Well maybe that’s a good thing then! Maybe he’s finally realized he’s been a complete douchebag to you over the years and you don’t deserve it. Maybe he’s decided to fuck all the way off and leave you alone because his words fall on deaf ears anyway.”

“Deaf ears?” I scoff. “Ella, his words are heard by every fan out there.”

“And those fans have watched you play your heart out for the past six years,” she reminds me adamantly. “They’ve watched you grow up and become a man. They’ve supported you through all your growth and encouraged you along the way. They’ve cheered for you and loved you and they encourage you and love you now. Need I remind you that last year when he started in with all his bullshit several fans came to your defense?”

She’s right.

That did happen.

And it felt damn good.

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