Page 7 of Bruise Me Tenderly

“Do you think I shouldn’t let him be a part of my life now?”

“You know I can’t give you the answer to that. Only you can decide something so big,” Walter says. “I can help you sort out the pros and cons. What would be good about Judson being back in your life?”

I don’t even have to think about it. “I’d have my best friend back. He’s the only one who really gets what happened in Ian’s house because he was there with me. And…I just miss him. If I let him back in my life, that hole he left wouldn’t be there anymore.”

“Those are all valid reasons,” Walter says with approval. “Now, list some cons.”

This answer comes to me immediately too, but I don’t necessarily want to say it. Walter knows Judson and I were together, but he doesn’t know how it all happened. He doesn’t know that I gave my virginity to Judson in the basement of Ian’s house because I told him I didn’t want my first time to be with Ian. We both knew what he was going to do with us.

“River?” Walter prompts softly. “Would you like to give me some cons?”

I take a breath and let it out slowly. “I almost wished I hadn’t made it when I learned that Judson had left me when I was in the coma. I was in love with him, and I needed him, and he wasn’t there. And I know I’m older now, and I have the maturity and tools to deal with it, but I guess I’m a little worried that if I let him back in, when he leaves me again, I’ll end up in that same position. And I don’t want to spend time clawing myself back out like I had to do the first time.”

“I see.” Walter taps his knee with his index finger for a few seconds, studying me.

I try not to fidget under his scrutiny. I can’t help feeling like that wasn’t the answer he was hoping to hear.

“In one of our first sessions together, I asked you who your biggest hero was,” Walter finally says. “Do you remember what your answer was?”

I frown, trying to think. But those weeks after the hospital are pretty much just a blur. “No, I don’t.”

“You said it was Judson. You said he protected you from Ian, that he took more so you didn’t have to.”

When he says that, I do remember. I’d never looked at Judson much as a hero before that. He was just my friend. My crush. I liked him, but I didn’t consider him incredibly heroic.

“I’m bringing it up because I think a part of the reason why you’re struggling so hard with this is because you’re still looking at Judson as the person he was in Ian’s house. He was most likely just as scared as you were, and he still protected you as best he could. Perhaps some part of you feels extremely betrayed because he wasn’t there to protect you again.”

I swallow around the sudden tightness in my throat. “You make it sound like I was using him.”

“Not at all,” Walter replies. “I’m always on your side, River. I’m simply saying that maybe Judson was trying to protect himself. You said it was difficult for him to watch you hurt; maybe it was too hard for him to wait around and hope you woke up from the coma. For him, leaving was the option that would help him the most.”

“So you do think I should let him back into my life?”

Walter laughs a little. “No, River, I didn’t say that. I’m just trying to give you an idea of where his head might be at so you can approach this situation with him from a different angle.”

I chew on the inside of my lip as I turn his words over in my head. All of it makes sense. Judson was never great seeing someone else in pain, and he nearly lost his mind the first time Ian touched me.

“The bottom line is, you need to have a conversation with him. A civil one where you can keep your emotions in check if possible. Until you two clear the air, you’ll continue feeling like you’re in a limbo space between two lives. And you shouldn’t be living like that. You deserve more than some fractured relationship, River.”

I keep my hands folded in my lap, pressing one of my thumbs hard onto the other one. I know that what he’s saying is true, but I still feel fractured from what Ian did, and it doesn’t take a genius to see that Judson does too. And if that’s how we both are right now, what chance does any kind of relationship between us have?

Five

Judson

I’m still feeling out of sorts from my conversation with River when the weekend rolls around. McKenzie’s spending the morning at some Mommy and Me class, so I head out to see Polly. It was weird to see the coffee house without her behind the counter.

When I get to her house, I find her windows open, soft jazz spilling out of them. I pull open the screen door and knock on the weathered door frame.

“Coming!” she hollers from somewhere deep within her house.

I listen to her bustling around inside, baking pans clanging together. Then there’s nothing but silence until she opens the door.

She frowns for half a second before recognition lights her eyes. “Judson Clark! Get in here. What the heck are you doing knocking? You know you can use your key. Come in, come in.”

My chest lightens as I step over the threshold and hug her. She’s over a head shorter than me, but she doesn’t hesitate to pull me closer to her. She smells like sugar cookies and cinnamon.

“Oh, I’ve missed you so much,” she says, squeezing me tightly. “Come into the kitchen; I’m making cookies.”

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