My mind is still a jumbled mess as I cook dinner in McKenzie’s tiny kitchen that night. She left to make a phone call, and all I can do is stare at the pot of water on the stove, waiting for it to boil.
I can’t get River’s face out of my head. After six years, I thought I’d let him go. I thought if I ever saw him again, he would have no effect on me.
I can’t believe I was so arrogant.
McKenzie appears in the doorway to the kitchen, one hand on her belly, and my thoughts are momentarily tamed.
“I can’t believe you’re turning me into an uncle.”
“Believe it,” she replies, moving around me to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. “Maybe your nephew will have you visiting more than one time in six years.”
I look away from her. “I’m sorry.”
Her voice softens. “I know. I get why it’s hard for you to come back. I…I miss you.”
My shoulders relax just a little. “I miss you too.”
Probably more than I could ever say. After Dad died, all I had was McKenzie. And I repaid her by running away with barely a goodbye.
She’s quiet for a minute, but I can hear her twisting the cap on her water bottle back and forth. Then she asks softly, “Are you getting help?”
“McKenzie—”
“Because you said you’d think about it, and that was ages ago. So? Are you talking to anyone about it?”
“No.” The word comes out on a bite.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
“River got help.”
Just hearing his name makes my breath catch in my throat. “Well, good for him.”
“You really think Dad would be happy with what you’re doing?”
“Don’t bring him up.” It’s low, even for an argument of this kind. I was always closer to Dad than she was. We did everything together. He was the first person I ever told about my attraction to guys.
“Well?” she demands, undeterred by my tone. “Would he?”
I grit my teeth and fold my hands into fists by my sides. “No. I guess not.”
She sighs and moves up to stand beside me, staring down at the same unmoving water in the pot. “If you talked to someone, you’d feel better. Maybe you’d stop blaming yourself for what happened.”
“I love you, Kenz, but there’s nothing you or anyone can do. Just leave it alone.”
It’s hard to get the words out because I know I would be doing the same thing to her if I were in her position. But the truth is, there’s nothing anyone can do. River and I were kidnapped because of me.
We were raped because of me. I can’t take that back. And I don’t deserve to find any kind of peace.
***
I sneak out of McKenzie’s house early the next morning and go for a run as the sun starts breaking over the horizon.
I used to go running at this time with River back in high school. I played football; he was on the track team. Some days I don’t think about him at all. And other days, missing him is a physical ache I feel all the way into my bones.
I hate that I fought with McKenzie about it last night. I know she’s only trying to look out for me, but what the fuck is talking about that supposed to accomplish?