Page 62 of Salvatore

Never in my life have I hated myself more.

“Hey, Aedry,” Apollo says from the back of my ride. “Do you think you can make us Ma’s lasagna tomorrow night? It will go good with the pie, don’t you think?”

That’s another thing Aedry’s done for me and my brothers, brought a little of our mother back to us. Apollo found our great-grandmother’s recipe for lasagna in an old cookbook, the same recipe my mother made that she’d learned as young girl. It was written in Italian and it took some doing, but he and Gianno painstakingly translated the recipe so Aedry could make it.

No one told me what was going on. I came home one night following a hell of a day dealing with Vin to the smell of “home.” It was my birthday. I didn’t care enough about it to mention it to anyone. But my brothers remembered and told her ahead of time.

Instead of spending money on something I didn’t need, she prepared the lasagna, gravy, and garlic bread exactly like my mother once had. That was her gift to me, to us. I swear, I’ve never been given a gift with so much heart.

We ate in silence, my brothers and me remembering a time when the woman we all loved was still with us. I don’t think Aedry realized the impact this gesture would have on us. Or maybe she did. Apollo ate with one hand shielding his eyes and me and Gianno savored every bite like we were scared to let the moment pass.

That was the night I realized I’d found another woman to love in a way a man like me never thought possible. It should have made me feel good. But it didn’t. If anything, it was a reminder that she’s with the wrong man and how much of a coward I am for keeping her with me?how selfish I’m being for wanting her as much as I do, and not letting her find someone who deserves her.

I couldn’t find the words to thank her for that meal and for all the good memories it brought. Instead of getting pissed, she smiled, kissed me, and wished me a happy birthday. I didn’t feel enough like an asshole, I suppose I needed reminding she’s always been too good for me.

“We’ll see, honey,” she answers Apollo.

I take the exit ramp into Jersey City. She’s been quiet since our talk. A and G noticed and they have been talking up a storm since we left Pennsylvania, making up for the uncomfortable silence between us.

“You want to watch Big Ass Spider tonight?” Apollo pushes, trying to keep her talking.

She releases a small breath. “I won’t be staying over tonight,” she responds quietly.

My attention cuts her way. She keeps her focus ahead. That’s not what we planned. She was supposed to stay with us all weekend.

I work the muscles of my jaw. I shouldn’t be pissed. After how I treated her and what I said, what did I expect?that she’d come home to me, to my bed? But I am pissed, at myself.

I take a sharp right at the last possible second, surging the tension thickening the air.

“What?”

“I’m dropping you off first,” I tell Gianno, cutting him off.

Aedry’s place is on the way to our apartment. I’m going completely out of the way by going back to my place first. That doesn’t raise suspicion or anything or bring the silence around us down like an ax.

I pull into our parking space about fifteen minutes later, setting the SUV in park. “Let’s walk them up and get them settled, then I’ll take you home if you want.”

She doesn’t move. She’s not coming up, likely guessing I’m trying to keep her here. Again, my brothers don’t miss a thing.

“Don’t God damn bother,” Gianno snaps, throwing open his door.

Any other time, I’d rip into him and tell him to watch his mouth. But he and Apollo are furious, knowing I screwed up with Aedry. She slips out, hugging them close like it’s goodbye. It just about tears me apart.

What the hell is wrong with me? Didn’t I practically give her an ultimatum? Tell her I didn’t want what she was offering? If she wants to walk away, she should. It would ease my fucking conscience for keeping her with me and from a man who deserves her love.

It’s what I believe. So why does it I feel like I’m losing my right arm in one slow torturous pull?

Because she’s a part of you, asshole, I tell myself. No matter how many times I remind myself that I’m nothing but toxic to her, there it is. I don’t want to be without her.

She slides back in, reaching for her seatbelt and snapping it in place without a glance my way. If she was anyone else, I’d call her an Uber. No way would I drive her home. But she’s not some skank who’s trying to take a swing or asking me to buy her shit. She’s Aedry. A woman who deserves respect.

She wants to be my everything, she claims. She can’t see she already is.

I ease out of my spot carefully and pull onto the main road. Again, we drive in silence. Again, it eats at me all the way to her neighborhood. I find a spot almost at the end of the block. The minute I set my ride in park she opens the door, walking toward the front of her building without saying goodbye or bothering to see if I’ll follow.

I cut the engine, flinging the door shut behind me and stalking forward. I slow my steps when I realize she’s not in a rush. She unlocks the door as I reach her, allowing it to fall behind her as she steps inside the foyer.

I catch it before it closes. She didn’t exactly hold it open, but she didn’t slam it behind her, either. I’m not sure what she’s up to. All I know is that I’m getting pissed.

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