Page 67 of Feel Me

This all goes back to his cheating father, who betrayed his mother and their children. I should understand, and I do. But knowing and understanding doesn’t make his words easier to take.

Sitting on his lap the way I am, and hurting this much, I’m not the unbiased counselor I trained to be. I’m the woman who doesn’t want to lose him. Even though I think I already have.

“I wasn’t supposed to feel this way,” he says, stroking my cheek until I meet his gaze. “And I’m not sure I want to.”

“Why?” I ask, barely getting the word out.

“Because I don’t believe in happily ever after. I only believe in the drive that’s taking me to the top, the hard work that’s brought me where I am, and the goals I still need to accomplish. I don’t believe in love,” he repeats, his voice splintering. “But if I did, it would be what I feel for you.”

He waits for me to speak. When I finally do, it shatters my resolve. “Based on my past, and too many friends and lovers who have hurt me, I didn’t believe in trust. It’s not something that comes easy for me. But I took a chance and I trusted you.” My voice is shaky and I can’t stop trembling. “You didn’t want to love me, but you’re forgetting that I didn’t want to trust you.”

I slip off his lap. He doesn’t stop me. “My father, the man who does love me is dying. He wasn’t supposed to develop cancer. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle when I found someone who could promise me forever, and I was supposed to give him grandchildren to keep him young when he was old and feeble. My dad is probably not going to walk me anywhere, and he’ll likely never hold his grandchildren here on earth. But at least he was brave enough to love, and someone who could value my trust.”

Darkness shadows his features as I step away. “Mel . . .” he says. “Don’t walk out of my life.”

My hand quivers as I pass my fingertips along my moist cheeks. “I’m not walking out of your life. We work together, Declan. I’ll still be there come Monday.”

“That’s not what I mean!” he says charging to his feet.

I almost say if we’re meant to be, we’ll find our way back to each other, but I don’t. Chances are, being who he is and commanding the room the way he does, he’ll move on to that perfect person I hoped to one day be for him.

I return to the hall where I dropped my purse and keys. I lift them from the floor, not bothering with my suitcase.

Declan circles my waist as I straighten, his head coming down to rest against my shoulder. “Don’t do this,” he whispers. “Please.”

I start to cry all over again. I want to turn around and hold him. I want us to make love all night and wake tucked against him like I have so many times since he first kissed me. But I can’t.

“Let me go, Declan. Give us both the space we need.”

The words are hard to say. I don’t want to imagine my life without his arms around me, and that’s what I’m risking by walking away.

But I can no longer trust him to be the man I needed.

I march forward when his arms fall away from my waist. My muscles tense despite how unusually light my feet feel.Maybe he’s right, I tell myself as I reach the door. Maybe it’s better not to believe in love.

Then I wouldn’t be hurting so badly.

CHAPTER 19

Declan

My eyes sweep across the evidence spread across my desk, my stomach shriveling so painfully, I have to look away. Seventeen children all under fourteen years of age, the biggest case of child abuse this office has ever seen, and it’s up to me to figure out the next step.

Finn. Jesus Christ, all I can think about is my little brother right now. It’s not just the images in front of me that make me want to puke. It’s more that I’m actuallyseeingwhat was done to him.

I can’t deal with this. Some things are just too evil to be real.

If it were up to me I’d drag the defendant out of jail and set him on fire in a public square. Problem is I can’t do that. I represent the law. But it’s the side of me that serves the public sector that wants to send this piece of shit straight to hell.

Babies, that’s all some of them were. Innocent little kids taken by the wrong man. Just like my brother.

Three Assistant D.A.s sit in front of me, including Tess. Curran stands behind her, and Detective Melo, the lead investigator waits to her right. But my stare falls on Melissa who’s sitting off to the side, beneath the framed picture Rosana drew of me. Her arms are crossed and her fair skin a horrible shade of white. Like the rest of us, she’s sick down to her gut.

Every gaze is anywhere but on the pictures covering my desk. It doesn’t matter, they’re ingrained in our minds and will likely haunt us for the rest of our damn lives.

“Tess, I want you to take this,” I finally say.

Curran straightens, his balling fists ready to take a swing. The other two D.A.s, both new, sigh with relief and quickly pile out.

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