Page 5 of Feel Me

Declan doesn’t give anything away in his features. He doesn’t have to, his silence is enough to show me he’s stunned. I’ll take stunned. It means he’s human and not secretly celebrating the possibility of becoming the youngest D.A. in Pennsylvania’s history.

I fiddle with my hands, almost wishing he’d jumped for joy. It would give me another reason not to like him. It would also prove to Dad he’s not the right man for my unit.

“I’m sorry,” Declan says.

He had to go and say that, the way his words slip from his mouth carrying the weight of his worry. He doesn’t think Dad is coming back.

I’m not sure he is either.

The burn filling my chest expands the longer Dad remains silent filling each small space with fear and more than its share of sadness. This is the part where he’s supposed to assure me and Declan that he’ll be fine. But he doesn’t, his silence causing my next breath to release in a painful shudder.

Declan knows I’m not taking the news well and spares me by keeping his focus on Dad.

“Things often happen that can’t be helped,” Dad offers. “I’m trying to control those things I can. This is why I want you to take charge when the time comes.” He offers a small smile. “If the time comes.”

Declan steeples his fingers, his focus flitting to me. “I see,” he says.

A glimpse of his concern pushes through his professional persona. It’s not much, just a hint of what lurks beneath the man all the staff appears to bow before, but I appreciate it more than I can explain. Kindness is something my father desperately needs, coming to terms with his diagnosis is just the start. I realize as much, just as I realize I really need it, too.

God, I’m so raw, it’s taking all I have not to cry. I’m picturing what would have happened if Dad had told me at dinner like he’d planned. It would have hurt, and I would have cried those thick awful tears I hate shedding. But to witness how much pain he’s enduring made this nightmare more real. As it is, I can’t shake the image of his paling skin. It’s like a part of him died as I held him.

“Who else knows?” Declan asks. His tone is so low, if I weren’t reading his lips, I would have missed what he said.

Dad’s voice remains steady. But then he’s had time to absorb the news and set a plan in motion. “The governor, the chief, and now you,” he answers.

“So only those who need to know,” Declan infers. At Dad’s nod, he tilts his chin. “Then that’s how it will stay until you choose to disclose it.”

Dad nods in a way that indicates he’s done talking. He stands, appearing to struggle. I hurry to help him, but think better of it. My father is a proud man. I can’t let him lose face, especially now.

“I’m sorry,” Declan says again, appearing to force himself to remain seated and not help. Like me, he recognizes Dad doesn’t want to be perceived as weak.

“Don’t be sorry,” Dad tells him. “Just do right by me when the time comes.”

I start to leave with him, but the look he tosses me holds me in place. “I’ll leave you two to talk,” he says.

In other words, stay here and play nice. “All right,” I answer. I lift up on my toes to kiss his cheek, trying to keep it together and push aside the thought that our goodbyes may be numbered. “See you later. Okay?”

He smiles like always and pats my upper arm, like my world hasn’t stopped spinning and he isn’t as sick as he is.Be strong, he signs.

I’m not so sure if I can, Daddy.

I watch him leave, keeping my back to Declan until I think I’m ready to face him and not fall apart at his feet. I return to the chair directly in front of him and cross my legs, waiting for him to speak.

Maybe he’s waiting for me to speak, because we end up sitting in silence longer than necessary, doing little to ease the strain that has existed between us since the first moment we met.

I start to question which victims he’d like me to reach out to first when he asks, “What did Curran say to you?”

“What?”

“Curran, my brother,” he says a little louder. “What did he say to you?”

I don’t mean to become defensive, but it’s hard not to with Declan and his talent for saying all the wrong things to me at all the worst times. “I know who he is,” I reply.

“I know. I just wasn’t sure if you heard?” He grimaces as if in pain. “I don’t mean because youcan’thear?I would have asked anyone that question?anyone who said ‘what’ like you did.” He passes his hands along his face, mumbling something under his breath that I don’t catch. “Never mind.”

I blink back at him with my jaw unhinged. Good Lord in heaven,thisis the man I’ll be working with. And it’s barely our first day together!

“I heard you,” I say, trying to remain calm. “Your question just caught me off guard because?” I shut my mouth. I don’t want to admit that I expected him to say something about Dad because I don’t want to cry, especially in front of Declan.

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