Page 94 of Feel Me

I ground to a halt when I find Declan leaning against the doorway to my bedroom.

“Hey,” he says. “I probably shouldn’t be in here, but we’ve been apart for so long, I didn’t want to wait anymore.” He sighs. “I fucking miss you, Melissa.”

My stare falls to my clasped hands. “I wish I could believe you, Declan.”

His voice deepens. “I wish you could too.” He pushes off the frame and walks forward, lowering himself onto the edge of my bed. “Will you sit with me, please?”

I nod, carefully settling beside him. At first, neither of us speaks or moves.

He’s so close, his body heat radiates against mine. Not so long ago, we wouldn’t hesitate to touch each other. Knowing so makes this moment all the more painful.

I swallow hard when he takes my hand in his. “I went to see your dad tonight after work. He told me you were here, and about the surgery next week.”

His hands stays over mine, covering it completely and reminding me of better times. “I was sure you’d be with him,” he says when I don’t respond.

“I have been,” I assure him, though I don’t confess that I’ve rarely left his side. “I came back to sort through my bills and then went for a run.” We’re making small talk which I’d normally hate, but right now it just feels good to hear his voice despite the subject.

“How are you doing?” he asks.

“Not great,” I answer honestly. My fingertip passes over the hook to my hearing aid, more because I’m nervous than a need to adjust it. But the feel of it beneath my touch, and the squeal I create from the contact, remind me of my imperfections, something I could do without in Declan’s presence.

I remove both, and place them beside me, the sudden loss of sound granting me a little peace despite how exposed it leaves me.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” he says when I look up, permitting me to read his lips.

My thoughts revert to all the insecurities I possess. I’m not certain why, perhaps it’s because Declan has a way of stripping me bare and depicting my vulnerability without ever touching me.

I take a breath and let those thoughts release.

That I wish my father could live and that I could be that perfect person you needed. That I can’t find my smile without you and what remained of my heart stayed with you the day I walked away. It’s everything I’m thinking. It’s also everything I can’t tell him.

So I tell him what I’ve been feeling since I left my dad this morning in Mae’s care. Mae, who’s suffering right along with him because like me, there’s very little she can do to ease his pain. “I’m thinking that my father gave up everything for me, even love.” My voice shakes. I’m ready to cry, knowing what I say is true.

He wraps his arm around me, pulling me close. “You’re wrong,” he tells me. “He sacrificed what he thought was necessary to be a good father. In turn you made him proud and gave him more happiness than any man could hope for.” His fingers skim along my waist. “You say he gave up love for you. What you don’t understand is he found it the day he met you.”

His lips pass along my jaw. “Declan,” I whisper.

He pulls back, making certain I can read his lips. “I’m not trying to seduce you,” he says. “That’s not what I’m here for. But I have to tell you, it’s killing me to see you in pain.”

I brush a tear away. “Melissa, please don’t cry.”

I drop my hand away. “I can’t help it. It’s so hard to see you and not . . .” I don’t finish my thought.

He smooths his hand across my belly. “And not what?” he asks, his voice lowering. “Tell me what you want to say. I need to hear you say it.”

“And not be with you,” I reply.

His hand sweeps through my hair to hold my face. “No, tell me how youfeel. So I know you still feel it.”

Tell him I love him, he means. But it hurts too much to say. I squeeze my eyes shut, allowing more tears to scatter along my cheeks.

When I don’t respond I wait for him to pull away and steel myself for what will be our final goodbye. He’s upset. After our fight at the hospital, and now this, he must be. So when I open my eyes and his features hold nothing but tenderness, I’m not prepared. Nor am I prepared for his words.

“I’m not staying on as D.A., and I’m not running for mayor. If you leave for D.C., I’m leaving with you.”

“What?Why?” I scan his face. “Declan . . . this is everything you’ve ever wanted.”

The muscles tense along his jaw. “Because last night when I was sworn in as District Attorney?when I took the first major step in getting everything I’ve worked for, and fought for, and dreamed of, it meant absolutely nothing. None of it?the job, my career, my fucking life? means anything without you.” His hand strokes my face, his touch so gentle I barely feel the caress. “I need you, Melissa,” he says, his stare drilling into mine. “For all the good, and all the bad. I need you with me for all of it.”

---