Page 72 of Inseverable (Carolina Beach)

“And she was five?” I don’t mean to speak out loud. But I do.

He doesn’t answer, returning his attention to the unlit fireplace directly in front of him. “Tell me what happened,” I say.

He shakes his head and rams his eyes shut when I sniff. He knows I’m crying, and I hate myself for it. But what he’s saying is important, and needs to be said. Not just for him, but for us.

I let my feet slip to floor and drag my heavy body closer so my hip rests against his. My hand slides along his back. “Please tell me.”

For a long time, I don’t think he will. But when he finally opens his eyes, he does, spilling his soul painfully slow. “It happened three days before my discharge from the Army. Our intelligence discovered insurgents plotting an attack and moving weapons into an area we thought we’d secured the previous month. But the war being what it is, regardless of how hard we fight it, nothing guarantees anything will stay secure for long. In just a matter of days, our so-called clear zone had quickly become hostile territory again.”

His eyes briefly dart my way. He wants to know if I’m listening. And I am. Right now, I’m hanging on his every word like it will somehow keep him from slipping away.

“I was one of several snipers positioned on rooftops throughout the city. Given my record, and skill, I was placed deep into enemy territory. Convoys of Rangers were moving in, most of them among my best friends. Like me, they were good at what they did. So they were sent in first to sweep, and locate those weapons before they were used against us.

“I’d been in position for several hours, watching, and waiting without needing to fire a single shot. That’s when I saw a mother and her little girl moving closer to my boys. The woman had a detonator in her hand. I shot her in the head?”

My hitching breath cuts him off.

Callahan bows his head. “I don’t mean to upset you, Trin. And I can’t take back what I did?any of it. But if you want to know the real me, then you should know I didn’t hesitate to shoot. Her job was to kill. Just as mine was to protect my men sweeping the streets. So I pulled my trigger . . . and killed her in front of her child.”

I press my lips tight, trying to beat back my tears that fall. It’s one thing to hear these awful stories on the news, or read about them online, it’s another thing to hear the man you love tell you firsthand what he’s done, and feel what it’s done to him in return.

My body settles against his side as my arms wind around his waist. “I’m sorry you had to do that to her, and her daughter,” I tell him. “But you had to save your friends.”

He releases his breath in a shudder. “Trin . . . I didn’t save my friends.”

The blood drains from my cheeks and down to my gut.

Callahan’s face is buried in his hands. It’s then I know I’m not crying alone. “I didn’t hesitate to shoot that woman,” he says. “But I hesitated to shoot her little girl. My men trusted me, so when they saw the woman go down, they moved forward, thinking they were safe?believing I’d saved them. But unlike the detonator the woman had?the kind you have to push, her child had one that fires when pressure eases off the switch. So when I killed that child, I killed my friends, too.”

“No.” My voice is harsh, angry andvicious. “Those people?thosecowards?who strapped that little girl with explosives, and shoved her out the door to die?they’re the ones who did that to your friends,andher,andher momma. You didn’t do this, Callahan. That wasn’t you!”

I’m on my feet now, but I don’t even remember standing.

Callahan rises, his chest heaving in and out faster than seems possible. “I know what the enemy does, Trin. I lived and breathed it, and saw it every time I was there! I shouldn’t have hesitated. Knowing what I know, I should’ve fired because that’s what I was trained to do?it was the right thing to do by those men. But Ididn’t. Instead I watched my friends get blown to pieces!”

I cover my eyes. It’s all I can do, unable to fathom what he went through that day alone. It would be like me seeing Hale, Sean, Mason?my friendsdead. But they weren’t. They were Callahan’s.

He takes another moment, and another after that, before pressing on. “I wish I can tell you I grieved, that I went down to collect what was left of my friends. But I never had the chance. We came in too close to where the weapons were stored. The mother and daughter were more than just a way to take us down, they were a distraction in order for our enemies to move their shit out. So instead of mourning, instead of going into shock like my body was fighting to do, I added to my list of kills. And this time, I didn’t hesitate.”

I stand numbly in place for what seems like too long, yet not long enough. “You want to know why I have long hair and a beard?” he asks. His statement catches me off guard, but it’s the agony behind his words and those that follow that clench my heart like a vice. “Because after that day, after I let my men down, I couldn’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. I can’t stand that man I see. He should’ve died along with his friends. Instead he was given a medal he didn’t deserve, and a chance at life they’ll never have.”

“You’re forgetting about me,” I choke out.

His head whips my way.

“You’re forgetting what that man means to me.” I step forward and take his hands in mine. “You had a human moment, in a very inhuman situation. Not every soldier hangs onto his soul during combat, because theycan’t, it’s too hard given what you have to do. You hung onto yours, Callahan. You hung on tight all the while shielding your heart. I’m sorry you lost your friends?I’m so sorry you watched so many die.” I’m crying so hard, I’m not sure he can hear me, but I continue, doing my best to be clear. “But I’m not sorry you lived. You came into my life when I needed you. And I thank God for that. You may not like the man you see, but I do. He’s the best man I know and I don’t know what I would do without him.”

Callahan tightens his jaw, and for a moment all he does is stare. My chest collapses inward when he slips his hands from mine. “I wish I could believe you. But I can’t.”

He withdraws from me, not just physically, but in the way his essence tears away from mine.

Time passes like melting snow along a rooftop. My head is pounding. I need to eat, to drink?I know I do. But as Callahan’s exhausted form sinks into the couch, I know there’s something else I need more.

And maybe he does, too.

His stare travels to the ceiling as I inch forward. “If you want to go, I’ll take you home,” he says. He closes his eyes briefly and breathes. “And if you don’t come back, I’ll understand.”

I answer him the only way I can, placing my knees on either side of hips and lowering myself to his lap. “You know how you said I can take my words back?” He meets my eyes as another tear spills down my cheek. “I can’t,” I admit. “Because they’re true.”

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