Page 61 of Merry Little Hate Notes

“Holly, we’ll fix this. I promise.”

I wish I had his confidence, but life had taught me otherwise.

MY DAD WALKED THROUGH THE door to find me lying on the couch with a spoon hanging out of my mouth while I savored every last bit of the chocolate chip cookie dough I’d just shoved in. A stomachache was probably in my near future, judging by how little cookie dough was left in the bowl resting below me on the floor. Its position gave me the easiest and laziest access.

Dad carried two festive-looking bags from one of my favorite department stores. “Holly,” he sounded surprised to see me. “I didn’t think you would be home yet. I was doing some Christmas shopping.”

It touched me that he was making such an effort, especially because we really couldn’t afford to be shopping at Nordstrom. He should have at least gone to Nordstrom Rack.

Dad eyed my fetal position and the bowl of cookie dough. “Are you sick, honey?”

“I will be soon, I’m sure.” I dropped the spoon in the bowl.

“Did something happen between you and Brandon?”

“No,” I whined. “But knowing my luck, something will.”

Dad tilted his head. “What does that mean?”

“Nothing.” I didn’t want to sound as pathetic as I looked and felt.

Dad dropped the bags by the door before hanging his long wool coat on the old coatrack he’d had specially crafted from a famous woodworker out of London. “It’s not nothing. Talk to me.”

I sat up and ran my fingers through my hair, which was tangled from me lying on it.

Dad took a seat next to me and put his arm around me.

My head fell on his shoulder. All I could do was sigh repeatedly while I breathed in the scent of old books that always seemed to linger on him. It had been a long time since I’d shared my troubles with my father. He’d been in no state to help me, or even himself, for years. I’d almost forgotten I could talk to him. Although, it still made me nervous. What if I said something to trigger him and he felt like he needed a drink to cope?

When I didn’t respond, Dad kissed my head. “Holly, you need to stop protecting me.”

“That’s easier said than done,” I admitted.

“You are such a good kid. I’m so sorry for what I’ve put you through. Please talk to me,” he pleaded.

I didn’t know where to start. I hadn’t talked to him about moving out yet, thinking I would save that until after the holidays, when I knew it would be possible. But now that was in question.

“Holly, please. What happened today?”

I curled into him more, like I was a little girl. “When I agreed to work with Brandon, the deal was I would receive half of Brandon’s commission on any account that closed before the end of the year.”

“That was quite generous of Brandon.”

“It was. It is. Except, I’m not sure now that anything will close. The biggest account we were working on just fell through.” I did my best to hold back my tears. “I was hoping to use the commission from it to pay off all our debt and ... um ... move in with Carmen. Live the single girl’s life for a while.” I held still, waiting for Dad to respond to my bombshell news.

Dad didn’t say anything right away.

The guilt bubbled up inside of me. “It’s not because I don’t love you, it’s just—”

“Holly,” Dad interrupted. “Don’t mistake my silence as anything other than me being in awe of you. But I need you to listen to me. The debts you speak of are mine, not yours. You have to stop shouldering responsibilities that aren’t yours. You should move out. In fact, I’ll kick you out if you don’t.” He tried to sound stern. He’d always been terrible at it, which was probably how we’d gotten away with so much growing up, especially Christian.

“Dad, you can’t afford for me to move out.”

“No, honey, you can’t afford to stay. I see what it’s doing to you and it’s not right.”

That was quite the way to put it. It was kind of killing me inside. I hadn’t wanted to admit that because I needed to be strong for my dad. Yet, I wasn’t sure if I could let go. “What will you do if I move out?”

“Despite my behavior for the past several years, I am capable of standing on my own two feet. Iwill figure it out, and you have to let me.”

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