Page 34 of Merry Little Hate Notes

“So why come home now? Did you miss torturing me?” she teased.

I walked over and handed her a plate, wishing she knew how much she tortured me, but I didn’t want to scare her away. “You got me. I’m sorry for all this cozy torture I’ve made you endure tonight.”

“Ha ha.” She took the plate. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. What can I get you to drink? Or will that be too torturous for you?”

She rolled her eyes. “Just some water, please.”

“You got it.” I grabbed her drink and my plate, then set them on the coffee table. I decided a little mood lighting was appropriate. “Check out this view.” I turned off the lights and opened the curtains to reveal a postcard-worthy sight. The condo had a river view. While the river barely flowed this time of year, the snowy banks and trees adorning it glowed in the dark. The falling snow looked like specks of stardust lighting up the night. It felt like home and the holidays, and I missed it. I missed Holly.

Holly’s breath hitched. “Wow,” she breathed out. “It’s beautiful.”

I took a risk and sat in the middle of the couch. Closer to her, but not too close. The glow of the firelight fell over her, making her appear even lovelier.

Holly eyed me carefully but didn’t ask me to move to the opposite side of the couch. I took the win and grabbed my plate. For several moments we ate, not saying a word to each other while Katherine Heigl and Josh Duhamel battled it out on the TV. But I knew the wheelsinside Holly’s pretty head were turning. I both feared and wished to know what she was thinking.

“Do you remember the first time we vacationed up here with your family and I didn’t know how to ski?” Holly gave me a peek into her thoughts.

I nodded, thinking back to the days when life seemed so simple and happy.

“I had to take ski lessons, but Christian didn’t need them. He just naturally seemed to know how to do everything. Sometimes I was so jealous of him,” she seemed ashamed to admit. “I watched you both zip down the slopes while I could barely stay standing on my skis. I thought you would make fun of me, but you didn’t. Instead, you helped me and went down the bunny slope with me a few times.”

The mood shifted, and I liked where this was going.

“I remember.” I smiled at her.

She didn’t return the smile. Instead, she pensively searched my eyes, wrinkling her brow. It was then I realized the mood hadn’t shifted in my favor.

“Brandon, I have at least a hundred memories of you playing my best friend and even my hero. But ...” Her voice seemed to get caught in her throat. “You perfected the part of playing my worst enemy. I felt like your yo-yo. How do you ever trust someone like that?” she begged to know, not out of spite or malice—it was just an honest question.

Damn.I dropped my slice of pizza on my plate and fell back against the couch, feeling as if she’d slapped me. It hit me how much I’d toyed with her emotions. Sure, I’d had some idea. Hell, I ruined her first kiss and ignored her for years. But I hadn’t stopped to think about the entirety of our lives together, how much I really had tortured her. I always focused on how much she tortured me—the girl I wanted but could never have. I knew I was a jerk, but it turns out I was a straight-up bastard.

“I don’t know that you should,” I honestly said, wishing I could give her another answer.

“That’s probably the smart thing to do.” She sighed like a deflated balloon, long and disappointed.

I expected her to get up and head to the bedroom. But she set herplate down on the coffee table and curled more into the blanket, blankly staring at the screen. As the night wore on, she seemed determined not to move. Occasionally, she would glance at me as if waiting for me to say something. I wanted to tell her the truth, but I had given her no reason to trust me. I had no idea how to fix that, even though I wanted to more than anything.

Halfway into our second movie,27 Dresses—yes, I had a crush on Katherine Heigl, sue me—Holly fell asleep, resting her gorgeous head on a throw pillow. In the flickering of the firelight and the glow of the TV, I watched her even breaths rise and fall. I longed to touch the tendrils of hair framing her heart-shaped face and let my fingers dance across her smooth, creamy skin. More than that, I wanted to let her know I was no longer the boy who felt like he was caught between two worlds, even though I knew Christian would never forgive me.

“Holly,” I whispered. When she didn’t stir, I proceeded, needing to release some of the pressure weighing on my chest. “There are so many things I want to tell you, but I’m not sure I’m ever going to get the chance. First, I’m so sorry I hurt you and confused you. It was never my intention. But you’re right—it was like I had you on a string. I always had to walk a line with you because of Christian. I think he knew how I really felt about you, and he was adamant I never cross that line. But damn, did I want to. And I did when I kissed you ...” I blew out a large breath. “Holly, that kiss set my world on fire. But I should have never kissed you, because I knew we couldn’t be together, no matter how much I wanted us to be. What I didn’t know was that Christian saw us that night. To say he was angry was an understatement. So, I lied and told him I did it on a dare. I never thought he would tell you. It’s not an excuse and it doesn’t make it right, but I didn’t know what else to do at the time.”

I scrubbed a hand over my face, feeling like an idiot talking to a sleeping Holly, but it didn’t stop me.

“You don’t know how badly I’ve wanted to tell you the truth, but how could I betray Christian? Honestly, I felt like there was no coming back after my douche move. But there’s been no forgetting you, no matter how hard I’ve tried. That’s why I came home. I’m tired of running from you and the truth, even though I know how much youhate me. I had to do something, though, so I begged my dad to let me work with you. And I wrote the hate notes because they were our thing. Well, that and my mom thought I should keep doing it. Yes, she knows all about our game. Apparently, she found our notes from when we were young. She says it’s your love language.” I chuckled.

“I’m not sure about that. But I thought maybe they would tick you off enough, and you’d write one back. Anything would be better than your silence. I thought for sure you would nail me on the November face note, and at least correct me for botching your beloved Shakespeare. Obviously, it didn’t work, even though my mom thinks I should keep trying. She fancies herself my wingman. She’s the one who gave you those merry little sticky notes. Even saying that out loud sounds ridiculous. But something she said won’t leave me. She told me if I want to find Christmas again, I need to help you find yours. I’d love to do that. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I know it’s not just Christmas I’ve come searching for. It’s home. And I’ve finally realized there is no home without you. I think that’s why I’ve stayed away for so long. How could I come home knowing I can’t have you?”

I couldn’t help myself. I reached over and let my hand rest on the blanket covering her thigh while admiring her beautiful face. Her breath remained even as she peacefully slept.

“Holly,” I whispered. “Maybe one day I’ll get to tell you this when you’re awake. Just tell me what to do to make you trust me again and I’ll do it,” I pleaded into the night. “Believe me, my wingman isn’t much help—not unless you count holiday team-building exercises meant to bring us closer together. Sorry about that, by the way. My parents just want us to be happy. I want that too. More for you than myself.”

I patted her leg and sighed. “Anyway, thanks for sleeping through myWhy Brandon Is an IdiotTED Talk. Good night, Holly-Pops. I love you.”

HOLLY

BRANDON LOVES ME.THAT WAS definitely not on my bingo card for this year, or any year for that matter. His words hadn’t left me since I’d heard theWhy Brandon Is an IdiotTED Talk Monday night. I stared into the bathroom mirror at work Wednesday morning, still freaking out about it. Knowing what I now knew, I couldn’t tell you how awkward the ride home was on Tuesday, especially since it was slow going because of the snowy roads. And what did I know? Brandon was an idiot. Albeit an attractive idiot, perhaps a sweet one too, but that still left me with an idiot who had been lying to me for almost half my life.

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