Page 27 of Merry Little Hate Notes

“Exactly.” I reached in my bag for my phone to type out notes for the song. “That could be our twelfth day. Twelve team-building exercises.”

“I like it.” Brandon nodded.

“What else? Maybe eleven endless email chains,” I suggested.

“Good one,” Brandon agreed. “What about ten office temp wars?”

“Yes.” I typed it into my phone and added, “Nine odious-smelling lunches.”

“Those are the worst.” Brandon’s nose wrinkled for effect.

They really were. Save your stinky food for home, please.

Brandon and I went back and forth, making fun of office culture in our song for the next hour like we were old friends. We even considered putting Jason in the song by making fun of his over cologning but decided it would probably be in poor taste. Even if Jason offended us all with his twentieth-century body spray. When it was all said and done, we came up with the following masterpiece:

On the twelfth day of Christmas, Elevate gave to me: twelve team-building exercises, eleven endless email chains, ten office temp wars, nine odious-smelling lunches, eight smart boards, seven comfy couches, six free snack bins, five missing puzzle pieces(we threw this in for Jane’s pleasure), four Slack messages, three broken printers, two crappy coffee makers, and one employee parking spot.

I basically serenaded Brandon with this rendition without thinking twice. Something about being with Brandon was working some weird magic on me. It was as if my old self appeared out of nowhere, and the tightness in my chest I’d been carrying around forover a decade loosened up just a bit. Well ... that was until chart-loving Holly looked out the window and noticed that in all the fun I was having, we had reached Vail Pass, and the flurries had turned to a full-blown four-alarm fire of a snowstorm. And ... Vail Pass meant we would soon see the turnoff for Beaver Creek. The placeithad happened. This was all assuming we didn’t have our own unfortunate event.

Brandon was laughing at the song when I went ashen and silent, running the worst-case scenarios in my mind while gripping the door and breathing shallowly, trying not to be a freak in his presence, but oh, was I about to get freaky.

“Do you want to record it?” Brandon asked, not realizing he had a basket case on his hands.

I couldn’t answer. All I could do was stare blankly out the window at all the giant snowflakes blanketing everything, including our vision.

“Holly,” Brandon’s voice showed he realized all was not well in Hollyland. He reached out to me, but that only freaked me out more, and not just because he no longer had both hands on the wheel. The fact that I so badly wanted to take his hand startled me more than anything. Which was saying a lot, seeing as I was picturing us careening down the steep grade and crashing into multiple vehicles before we hit the side of the mountain. Cheery thoughts, right? It was just something my mind did in the aftermath of all the unthinkable things. My strategy was, if I thought through all the things that could potentially happen, I could prevent them. Did I realize this was a sick and twisted coping mechanism? Yes, yes, I did.

“Please keep your hands on the wheel,” I eked out.

“Okay, okay. I got it. Promise. I won’t let anything happen to you. I’m in control. We’re safe,” he spoke to me as if I were a child. Not that I didn’t appreciate it, but it was humiliating to be so vulnerable in front of him, of all people. Really anyone, with the exception of Carmen. She was the only person who truly knew how cautious and afraid I’d become. She was well acquainted with the charts.

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. “All I want is to live my best Monica Geller life,” I whispered to myself.

“What?” Brandon asked.

“Nothing.” I was an idiot.

“You want to live in aFriendsepisode?” he asked with a smile in his voice.

“Something like that.”

“Do you want to move to New York?” Brandon sounded a little worried about this. I suppose that made sense, given I worked for his father’s company.

“No. Just some cozy apartment building in town with Carmen. As long as two cute, eligible bachelors live across the hall from us and there’s a nearby coffee shop with great seating and lattes.” Ugh. Why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut around him?

Brandon chuckled.

I opened one eye, and judging by the grin on his face, he found me quite amusing. “You think I’m ridiculous?” Of course I was.

He glanced at me for a fraction of a second. “No. I was just thinking how lucky Chandler and Joey will be.”

“Oh. Ha ha.” No way he meant that. He was just patronizing me. “I know I’m acting weird. You probably think I’m insane—maybe I am. My worries have worries, and those worries have charts. But things have been ... well ... they haven’t been easy for a long time.”Oh my gosh. Quit spilling your guts to him.My mouth refused to listen to me. At all. “And this deal could mean me living out myFriendsdream. I really want that dream,” my voice cracked, filled with so much pent-up emotion. “But this ...” I waved my hand all around at the snow pummeling us. “This scares me.”

Brandon swallowed hard, probably afraid of me and wondering if he needed to call for help. Not that I blamed him.

I leaned my head against the frigid passenger-side window that was developing a thin layer of ice, feeling so stupid and wishing I could crawl out of my skin and hide. The only sound to be heard was the windshield wipers furiously trying to keep up with the snow. But in the silence, I could hear Brandon’s trepidation. Why did I have to blurt out the feelings I was usually such a pro at hiding? I’m a professional at making people think I have my act together. I’m so good at it, even I believe it. And most of the time, I feel as if I have life under control. It’s just that I’d been holding everything together for solong, I was exhausted. For once, I wanted one of my dreams to come true. And I was so close. I didn’t know if I could take another dream slipping from my grasp.

“Holly, I’m sorry,” Brandon punctuated the awkward silence.

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